Foster Further

 Last week James turned 5. It's been a hard week with too much going on. (Prepping a house for sale, my grandmother dying and then her funeral, my niece's wedding, Seth's twice postponed graduation reduced to a cheesy drive-by event.) We did the house, the funeral, and James' birthday and missed the wedding and the graduation. But, still, it was too much and I can tell the girls are feeling neglected.  How do I know? Because Jane started singing tonelessly and incessantly to herself on the car ride home after James' birthday celebration. She hasn't done this in almost a year. Her face, when I looked back at pictures of James blowing out his candle, is pure hatred. She is so jealous she looks like she wants to scream and throw his cake on the floor. For some reason birthdays and birthday parties are a source of intense focus for her. Getting stuff is always how she feels validated and loved and the constant positive attention she receives from people absolutely e...

Tonight we had family dinner. All five kids, both adults, eating and talking. And it was good. Easy. Natural. Simple. Delicious. Enjoyable. I've waited a year and a half to say that. I distinctly remember the first time we tried to have a family dinner. I don't remember any details about what or when other than the complete disaster unfolding around me. The girls bounced around like frenetic monkeys putting on the loudest show they could. They could not figure out why we were all gathered in one space so they compensated by attention-seeking. James was afraid of the chaos and hid under the table. The big boys grabbed their plates and went to eat in front of their screens. I lost my temper. Theo abandoned ship. I remember sitting there at the empty table that was a disaster zone of spilled drinks and splattered food and putting my head in my hands and crying. What had I done? For a long time that night has been a symbol to me of the havoc I wreaked on our home by bringing in mor...

Spring is really here. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, my children are outside playing in the dirt every second of the day. I'm getting yard projects crossed off my list, we're having fires outside just because we don't want to come back in the house. Everyone is going to bed with sore muscles and clear minds. And Jane, like a shy flower, is blossoming at last! A few weeks ago she began earnestly "helping" around the house. It's only things that a 4-yr-old can do but she does it all on her own without prompting and is so deeply proud of herself that it's absolutely endearing. I hug her and kiss the top of her head and thank her genuinely. She beams. It's lovely. I love it when she has her own idea instead of copying someone else. I love it when she focuses and completes a task. I love having something to genuinely praise her for. The day she organized all the shoes on the porch into neat pairs nearly made me cry with happiness--finally, a...

A few days ago I put all three littles in the minivan, even though the seats were all laid down since Theo had been hauling lumber in the van. I let them sit or lay down or roll around while I drove the back roads--maybe taking some curves a tiny bit fast to give them a thrill. I felt like a kid back on the farm when a whole slew of cousins would pile into the back of a pickup truck and dad would drive home from the field and we'd all be sliding around on the curves laughing and clutching at each other. My kids have never before ridden in a car without being belted into a carseat. From a five point harness to total unseated freedom was intoxicating, exhilarating. They exited the car, 20 minutes later, wide-eyed as if stumbling off a roller coaster. This is so out of character for me. Something about living in dangerous times and the need to suddenly embrace it, even for a few minutes, instead of constantly fighting it. Something about the desperate need to give small children s...

We're barely even into this thing and people are already writing advise articles and inspirational memes about how not to lose the great lessons we are learning from the nationwide self-quarantine. (Proving that Americans really can't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes.) But, I wouldn't be your average middle aged, middle class, moderately educated American woman if I didn't stop and consider the inspirational meme in order to feel guilty about whether I was, in fact, learning something profound from this experience. That's why these memes exist, after all. For maximum guilt with minimum accuracy. So most of them say something about how after this we should continue to spend time with our families and avoid going back to our hyper-busy lives. I spent a moment really pondering this. Is this quarantine teaching us to spend more time with our kids? Are we now spending better quality time as a family? Am I fundamentally changed as a mother? NOOO! ...

Jane is sick today. The family had dodged the flu bullet so far this year and I thought we might get all the way through but maybe that was too optimistic. Even with me being the hand-washing Nazi it looks like some germs snuck through my defenses. She started getting sick yesterday but the girls had their visit scheduled with grandma and we don't like to cancel. We're down to once a month visits and she hadn't seen them since before Christmas. Also, aunt and her family were up visiting from KY and it's important to maintain that connection. So, the girls went to the bowling alley we'd chosen for this visit anyway. Jane was a complete mess on the way home. Sobbing inconsolably over a lost penny; fighting with her sister, etc. Put her right to bed at 5:30 with books and lots of water to drink and made her stay there. This morning there's no fever but still the runny nose and congestion. And THE ANGER! Wow, I've noticed before that when she's ill she...

Why is tentativeness annoying? For the past week or so Jane has entered his scaredy cat/hovering/tentative demeanor that drives me crazy. It's hard to define exactly how her behavior differs and why it's annoying and yet it's so, so real. It really is. Here's an example. About 30 minutes ago, after kids and dog and cats were fed and pottied and dressed and started on their day, I sat down on one side of our loveseat/double recliner and began working on my laptop. Jane immediately crawled up into the other recliner and began leaning over the console so her head was hovering less than an inch from my shoulder. She was mouth breathing all over me and staring at my screen (which was just text as I was working on a document). I'm working hard on being patient and kind when correcting her. So, with a neutral tone I said something like, "this is mama's time to work. I need some space when I work. You can be near me but please sit in your chair and don't le...

Today I began my grand plan to convert Jane from an ADHD-addled squirrel to a real human girl--when it comes to playing with toys, that is. I shared this description with Theo and he about busted a gut, by the way. Exclaiming: yes! That's it! I can totally see it! What finally pushed me into focusing on this area was thinking about how she plays by herself during Quiet Time. She's totally different during that hour of the day. Every kid is alone in a room with a special set of toys that only comes out during this time. Jane loves it! She takes her little doll house and its miniatures into her room and plays with great imagination. I hear her and she's so happy! Contrast that with play downstairs where she's like a squirrel/tornado scattering toys as wildly as she can, hiding bits and pieces all over the house in a perpetual attempt to hoard a stash all her own that no one else can touch. She looks unhappy and stressed and is prone to bickering and meltdowns during...

The facts: due to Thanksgiving chaos, in the past three weeks Jane has faced a slew of obstacles. 1) We revisited birth family in a home she used to go to often for the first time in a year--lots of memories triggered by being in that space again. 2) We traveled out of state and were gone from home for 4 nights--a major disruption to her sleep and sense of security. 3) Something like 30+ people we rarely see were a part of those visits--this highly social girl is exhausted. 4) Due to the travel we missed two dance classes and two O.T. sessions--big factors in her physical well-being. 5) She's 4 years old and only one year into a safe environment and really, only a few months into feeling calm and safe every day. So, looking at it like that, of course I should expect negative consequences, right? Honestly, looking at those factors it's been much smoother than it could've been. I see that she's more hyper, less able to focus on toys, more prone to pestering the ...

Jane is struggling since we were at Ken's house for a pre-Thanksgiving meal a few days ago. She is clearly distracted and sad. She says to me that she wants to be alone, doesn't want Kate or James to bother her, that she just wants me to hold her all day and read books to her. During one of our holding sessions today she cried about a whole range of things. It started with Ken and the toys at his house and went to her cousin, Gabby. Then on to missing her birth mother and all the stuffed animals and her Minnie Mouse bed. Objects figure hugely into Jane's world. She is very much like her grandmother, who absolutely must bring gifts to every visit. No matter how raggedy or cheap it is she has a deep compulsion to give gifts to show her love (she once brought me an entire grocery bag of worn out teen-sized shoes reeking of smoke that she said her friend had 'pulled out of the back of the closet'. They went straight to the trash). And Jane is thrilled every time. Th...

Long story, short, the lesson of the day is: I will not wedge my head into a space so small that I am then trapped and panic and begin flailing about nearly breaking my neck until I can be found (under the furniture) and rescued. This is the lesson Jane, the girl with no spatial perception, logic, or impulse control, learned today. Remember that character from Family Ties who kept getting his head trapped between the banister railings and it was a joke that he did it over and over again? I always thought that was a ridiculous plot line that had no basis in reality. I was wrong.

I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details. This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate). I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk. I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'...

Another bad day today. It's 2:20 as I write this and it's already been a full day. We didn't go to preschool today because I'm dealing with either a migraine or a sinus headache that's making me sore and queasy. I pulled it together long enough to get them to the park for a half hour this morning in hopes that that would help her behavior--I know she needs large motor/large joints engagement for her sensory seeking needs. But, nope, as soon as we got home, literally before I even got my coat off, she started in with the pestering behavior and then the sneaking around and lying. She's incredibly attuned to my health and mood. She knows when I'm less aware and an easier target. First she took one of their toys and put it inside the dog crate knowing the dog would chew it up. This sent Kate into a panic and she was shrieking about the loss of her toy. Both girls accused the other of doing it. I asked them to sit in a separate room and think and tell me what...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

Yesterday a good friend messaged me to ask questions about foster care. She and her husband are considering it, as I already knew, and she wanted to get my opinion on it. She said, in part, "... Knowing everything that you know now, would you do foster care again? I know that’s a hard question because it’s impossible not to recognize that’s where your daughters came from."  I have no problem whatsoever in airing my opinion and was about to jump in with my list of top things the foster care agency doesn't tell you...but my eyes could not leave that second sentence.  Because...? Why? I felt so conflicted absorbing her thoughts.  Should I be offended that someone was politely opening the door for me to own up to the fact that I have regrets? Should I just come out and say, no, really, that's okay, I don't really think of them as my daughters yet anyway, no offense taken! Am I supposed to get to the point in my life where I feel more comfortable hiding or ne...

Two days ago the most potentially dangerous thing that's ever happened at our house occurred. Jane opened the gate to the goat pen and let them out so they had access to where the three little kids were playing unsupervised (I was inside making dinner). Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or ...

Both girls have been talking lots lately about how old they are, who is bigger, what age they will be next, what their names are now and are going to be, etc. I feel like we're close enough to the finalization of the adoption that it's safe to answer with definitives. Interestingly, Jane had this whole conversation with me where she asked what her name was when she was born and what it'll be when she's a grown up. Like she wondered if maybe it changed every few years. She was kind of worried throughout our conversation--wondering if she was losing her identity? She felt reassured when I told her that her first name had always been the same and always would be. I'm very glad we didn't change their first names for just this reason. Then, tonight, Kate had an interesting conversation with me. At only 2 years, 9 months she can't have very in depth conversations but I know she's got bigger thoughts than her vocabulary is able to express. She's a very ...

We are approaching the end of the hardest year our family has endured since, well, it's very first one. (In our first year of marriage Theo and I coped with the death of his mother a week before our wedding; an unplanned, high-risk pregnancy; two moves; and struggling to live on one salary that didn't cover both rent and groceries. Besides being newly married and having no clue how to actually live together. Really nothing we'll ever face will be harder than that year. Honestly.) But, back to present day. Things are winding down. 1) The house painters are gone. Eight days of "final touch-ups that will just take a few hours". Eight days of watching them patch a spot sloppily with putty so the putty got on the green trim. Then repainting the green trim to cover the putty. Then repainting the yellow house paint where they slopped the green trim paint. True story. Now multiply by every inch of a two-story house with a porch, chimney, and 19 windows and three ext...

Despite a rough week there have been some really nice moments lately. Seth got a 1530 on his SAT. He got a perfect score on the  math portion! I'm super excited for him. He's filling out college applications and I think just knowing his score is that high makes him feel more confident and motivated. He took the CLT (Classical Learning Test) and got a 98. The college he really wants to get into requires a 100 in order to qualify for their best scholarship to their Honors College. He's going to retake it and he's pretty sure he'll do better. He hadn't studied for the CLT, that was his first time taking it, and he was out till midnight the night before at a marching band performance. It's hard to think about him going off to college but it's also really exciting. After the typical teenage stage he's now coming out of that phase and becoming a nice person again. I think he's going to have an amazing future. College is where Theo and I met, we fo...

We're two weeks into the Keep-Your-Panties-Dry Incentive and New Bedtime Routine. Exciting times around our house. Kate completely regressed about a month ago to wetting herself all day long. Could hardly go three hours. Doc recommended medicines and OTC remedies didn't work. It was becoming an area of anxiety for her. I think she actually began peeing herself out of fear when she thought she might've peed herself but hadn't yet...bizarro situations she couldn't unravel at 2.5. So, back to diapers full time but with these caveats: a) I ask her every morning if she wants diapers or underwear and honor her choice (she's relieved to be able to choose diapers but once did choose underwear). b) I prompt her to use the potty regularly. She pees in it about four times a day but still has a soaked diaper inbetween. She always poops in the potty, thank god. On the day that I told Kate she could go back to diapers Jane was standing there and I watched this animali...