Foster Further

This is a hard day. My grandmother died. It was a slow decline and not unexpected...but still. The finality of death. I wrote her or sent pictures or sent a silly craft the littles had made every month of this last year of her life. She'd been moved to a home and, more even than cheering her up, I wanted the staff there to know that she had family who loved her and would be checking in on her. She didn't want to go into that home. It wasn't right. She seemed so sad when I visited her there. I'm sad that that tiny room was where she died. She should've been in one of our homes and among family. I was holding my other grandmother in my arms when she died. My mom on one side and me on the other, making a three generation nest. I literally felt her final shuddering breath. I watched her spirit rise from her body and leave the room. I touched my dad's cold arm in the emergency room bay after they finally quit trying to revive him from his drowning accident. They'...

I'm talking to Theo about something serious when one of the little three kids comes up and says, "Mama, I found an eyeball." Didn't even look at them, just held out my hand and something hard and round dropped into it. Put it in my pocket and continued the conversation. Later I took the item out and it was a marble as, I think, I'd probably expected vaguely in the back of my mind since they've been playing with marbles lately. But then I had to think: how far gone into the world of parenting and farming have I gone that a kid saying, "I found an eyeball" prompted me to hold out my hand without a glance? I mean, the other day I'm feeding the cats when Gus warns me, "Don't step backwards or you'll step on a bird leg." Sure enough, the cats had left behind a little gift from their last hunting excursion. Didn't bother me. Totally forgot to clean it up. Later it was gone and I don't know where it went. Nor do I care. Sometim...

Today I was snuggling Kate at a random moment during the day. She asks me to hold her at least 5-10 times per day. It's usually for just a few minutes. Sometimes I feel like a human heater--that she just needs a moment to warm up before dashing off pell mell. Or maybe a human charger--she needs to re-energize? So, this morning I was holding her and something she said led me to, out of the blue, ask her if she wanted to see Grandma. She said no. We talked a bit more and she was sad but clear in her thoughts. When I asked her why she didn't want to see Grandma anymore she said, "Because I want to always stay here with you." Which, from a 3 yr old, is about the clearest definition of bonding I can think of. Now, of course I take all this with a grain of salt. She's only 3 and has a personality that's prone to please. She can be easily swayed to say absolutely anything. And, she could change her mind tomorrow. If Grandma pulled up in her car and said, "wa...

Why is tentativeness annoying? For the past week or so Jane has entered his scaredy cat/hovering/tentative demeanor that drives me crazy. It's hard to define exactly how her behavior differs and why it's annoying and yet it's so, so real. It really is. Here's an example. About 30 minutes ago, after kids and dog and cats were fed and pottied and dressed and started on their day, I sat down on one side of our loveseat/double recliner and began working on my laptop. Jane immediately crawled up into the other recliner and began leaning over the console so her head was hovering less than an inch from my shoulder. She was mouth breathing all over me and staring at my screen (which was just text as I was working on a document). I'm working hard on being patient and kind when correcting her. So, with a neutral tone I said something like, "this is mama's time to work. I need some space when I work. You can be near me but please sit in your chair and don't le...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

Two days ago the most potentially dangerous thing that's ever happened at our house occurred. Jane opened the gate to the goat pen and let them out so they had access to where the three little kids were playing unsupervised (I was inside making dinner). Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or ...

Today we held Jane's 4th birthday party.  On the whole the party went well. I mean, none of the major things I was dreading happened. No surprise visits by banned people. Jane had fun. We got nice family pictures. She was thrilled with her cake and balloons and presents. She was polite and kind when opening gifts, saying thank you and giving genuine hugs. All the kids were thrilled to see each other and ran around on the playground together. They got tons of attention from adults. From her perspective, it was great. From my perspective, it was miserable and annoying. I'm never again going to get roped into doing all the work for a bigger party than I want to host. Here's how it happened. Several months ago I stayed home and Theo did the visitation with aunt/grandma and they dreamed up the idea of going to this park (farther away from our house so it'd be halfway for each of us to drive) plus renting a pavilion to house a bunch of people. They assured me there were...

I write so much about Jane. She is, by far, the most disturbed child in our home. She does inexplicable things (maybe only due to the first three years of her life lived in a home of trauma, or maybe also due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in addition) that I need to work through my experiences with her by writing about them. But she isn't the only person in our home. So, as we launch into the transition from summer to another school year, here is where my family stands. Theo works from home most days but then has phases, due to the nature of a project, where he goes in to the work site, or travels out of state, or just works incredibly long hours from home. We love the flexibility but hate the constant demands on his time. As I've said to him, working from home means you are always working at home. Our marriage is in the best place it's ever been. 18 years of marriage and I think we've got this figured out. I wouldn't say we have less conflict--I'd just say t...

The girls cry when I say 'bedtime'. It's automatic. Even for all possible synonyms and euphanisms. Happy kids.  +  "Bedtime"  =  Wailing kids. After months of trying a bazillion strategies I finally landed on a possible solution: removing sleep from the equation. A few nights ago I was emotionally exhausted to the point where I knew that all of my children needed to go far, far away from me for everyone's health and well-being. But it was a half hour before bedtime. And the light outside was going to be full, glorious summer sunshine for another two hours. So, I rushed through their bedtime routine but said, "And now you get to STAY AWAKE and play with toys and read books in your beds! Oh boy! What fun!" They trotted off to their beds, smiley-faced, and I never heard from them again. It was so bright outside that I left their light off but their curtain open and that was enough light to play by so I guess as it got dark outside they just cu...

I got a phone call that my grandmother is not doing well. She's been moved into a home and likely will not live much longer. She says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up. She just turned 96. My grandpa died 15 years ago. She's had a long life and is ready. I told Seth and Gus and they are upset. Gus, especially, was close to her and loved our annual visit to see grandma. But the younger three do not know her. James last saw her at age 2 and the girls have never met her. We're going up next weekend to visit and, I imagine, most likely say good-bye. I'm wrestling with what to say to her. I've sent her letters and pictures of the girls. I think she's fairly aware but at this stage in her life she can't possibly really care that I've brought two more great-grandchildren into her life. I'm not even sure, at this point, how many great-grandchildren and even great-great-grandchildren she already has. (My dad was one of seven kids.) So, I n...