Foster Further

 I really should just change the title of this blog to The Jane Show, shouldn't I? She's the only one I need to write about anymore.  Everything, and every one, else is doing so good right now. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. For some reason, over this last month I have just felt the anger melting away. Anger I didn't understand, didn't know where it came from or why, anger I couldn't control. It's gone. I'm quiet and calm even when one of them breaks the TV and the other messes with my computer.  Kate is in one of those adorable phases. She flipped the switch from 3 and stubborn to 3 and sweet and it's just so much fun. She is cute and funny and says those things that make adults smile all the time. She's happy and affectionate and just...normal. Completely and utterly normal.  James is also growing in all good ways. Suddenly his vocabulary has blossomed and he's developing a sense of humor. He's full of jokes and bur...

 For continued disobedience yesterday Jane had to spend part of this afternoon in her room while the other two played. She cried bitterly. After she settled down I opened her door to talk.  She looked up at me, her face blotchy and tear-streaked, and it all came pouring out. Her articulation and phrasing and vocabulary were like talking to a 10 yr old, not a 5 yr old. This is the true Jane who I believe is her real, honest, authentic self. It is the Jane we so rarely see.  She said everything. Yes, she knows she's lying and she plans to do it because she likes to, "keep things inside myself". Yes, she knows she chose the negative consequence and she knew even before it happened that that's what she was going to choose because she doesn't want to "give in and do what you say, mama." She went on and on. Rehashing every single moment from yesterday and confessing that she knowingly created the situation. Confessing (in even more detail than Kate had shared ...

 It's Friday after five full days--after six months of nothing much--and wow, I have three exhausted little people. They haven't protested a bedtime one night this week. Here's the rundown on what I observed.  At pick-up the second day Kate jumped in my arms exclaiming, "Mama!" She was relieved I was there to pick her up, still a bit unsure of her new schedule and when she'd see me. Once in my arms she got a bit weepy and whispered in my ear that she'd been looking for me alllll day long . I sat down and cuddled her on my lap and assured her that I loved her and would always come back. Very poignant moment.  James also ran to me, hugged me, and said how happy he was to see me. He held it together in school but in the car he used a lot of big facial expressions and sad words to tell me about all the hard times in his day. At one point his voice got very sad and he said his teacher was, "not nice to me" because she wouldn't let him look at the ...

 Last week James turned 5. It's been a hard week with too much going on. (Prepping a house for sale, my grandmother dying and then her funeral, my niece's wedding, Seth's twice postponed graduation reduced to a cheesy drive-by event.) We did the house, the funeral, and James' birthday and missed the wedding and the graduation. But, still, it was too much and I can tell the girls are feeling neglected.  How do I know? Because Jane started singing tonelessly and incessantly to herself on the car ride home after James' birthday celebration. She hasn't done this in almost a year. Her face, when I looked back at pictures of James blowing out his candle, is pure hatred. She is so jealous she looks like she wants to scream and throw his cake on the floor. For some reason birthdays and birthday parties are a source of intense focus for her. Getting stuff is always how she feels validated and loved and the constant positive attention she receives from people absolutely e...

Jane is stuck in the tongue-thrust stage of development. It took me over a year but I finally figured it out. You know that stage in an infant's development when you first start feeding them solid foods? They're about 4 months old and so tiny you have to strap them in tight in the high chair so they don't flop over and bang their head on the tray. You've just bought new baby feeding spoons and someone has a camera ready as you open the baby food jar. You make faces at your baby and they are delighted and laugh their toothless grin back at you. Right when their mouth is open you slip that first spoonful in and immediately, reflexively, they thrust it right back out with an emphatic tongue thrust as their expression turns from confusion to horror. We capture the moment on camera and put it into their baby books and laugh about it later. That reflexive tongue thrust pushing the food back out of the mouth is so cute at 4 months old. It's positively gross at 4 years old....

Jane has lived here for 19 months. Just over a year and a half. She came at 3 yrs, 2 months. She is now 4 years 10 months. Soon she will celebrate her second birthday since coming here. I've bought all the clothes and shoes and coats and toys she owns. I decorated her bedroom. I choose what she eats and when. I give her baths and wash her hair and sometimes assist her in the bathroom. I can tell you the exact shape of her toes and how their shape differs from mine. I can predict how she'll react to most situations. She doesn't like ketchup or baked beans. When she is most anxious she needs the super bright night light. I know she's in a good place when she asks for the smaller night light. She picks on the cat when she's mad at me. Jane and I have spent enough time together and know enough about each other (I bet she knows all the same details about my likes and dislikes) to be bonded by now. But I don't think we are. And I don't know that we will ever be. T...

Two days after I got back from being gone for five days, Jane let all her insecurities loose. She baby talked all day. She pestered the other kids in every tiny way she could be. She forgot to do things immediately after I asked her to do it. She was just low-grade angry all day. Day One after my return was full of tentative love attempts--creeping up to me, staring at me hungrily like she'd forgotten what I looked like, drawing a thousand heart pictures and presenting each one like priceless treasure and then being hurt when I wasn't enthusing over the twentieth picture in ten minutes. Day Two was angry. And anger for her is extremely passive aggressive. Low-grade annoyances toward everyone without ever once looking or sounding angry. This all escalated throughout the day very gradually until at bedtime I was standing next to her while she was brushing her teeth and realized she reeked of urine. I asked her if she'd peed her pants and she began to cry this hysterical cry t...

...an organized mind. Planning, finding patterns, predicting outcomes, maintaining focus long enough to follow through creatively--I am suddenly seeing mental skills I've never observed in Jane before. This week Jane began lining up her dolls when playing with them. She played school with them for the very first time in her life, ever.  In the sandbox area Jane has begun putting on tea parties. Each container (all identically holding mud, but some decorated with leaves while others have stones or twigs) is a different food. There are even condiments such as salt and paper and sprinkles. She does an elaborate explanation for me while inviting me to sit down and partake. It's so earnest and intentional and creative and REAL to her. She's enthralled. She began writing "storybooks" which consist of multiple pages with pictures and scribbled lines that she tells me are the words of her story. She tells me what she plans to write before she makes a book. Her stories hav...

So this just happened. Jane got up from breakfast, waded into the mess of toys that were gotten out yesterday (while I was sick in bed most of the day) and never put away, and looked at me and said: "I want fancy toys. I saw them at the store. I wish I could have those kind of toys. Fancy ones like I saw at the store. That's where they are; we could go get them." It took me about 30 seconds of silence to process what she was saying. The little brat was, mere days after getting all new Christmas toys, asking for better toys. Fancy toys. Sparkly, plastic toys. Wow. I seriously wanted to burn it all down. Take every one of her toys and throw it away and leave her with nothing but sticks and dirt to play in. Teach that girl some gratitude. Instead, I calmed myself and led her through the thought process of acknowledging all she'd been given and how disrespectfully she was treating her new toys by leaving them all over the place. But, I gotta say, what a lesson...

Dinner tonight encapsulated all my issues with Jane (and hers with me, too, now that I think of it). Theo was at Vespers, the boys had had a late lunch, it was only 5:00 but Kate was acting slightly ill and I knew both girls hadn't slept well the night before. I decided to feed them dinner, give them a bath, and then send them to bed early. Kate is playing but Jane is in the kitchen with me, spinning on an office chair (I know when she needs to spin she's been under-stimulated and is compensating). I pull some homemade chicken broth out of the fridge that I made last week, throw in some rice, chop up a carrot, add garlic and oregano and start to simmer the soup. I want Kate to get some good nourishment so she can fight off whatever is starting before Christmas. As it's cooking I ask Jane if she wants to have some of this soup or if she wants some of the Shepherd's Pie I made last night (which is what everyone else will be eating again tonight). I absolutely do not...

Today was better. Kids felt calmer. I think being at the cottage with Grandma for 3 days really disturbed Jane's equilibrium...but I also think that she has resettled quicker than she once would've been able to. One small, but HUGE thing happened this morning. Jane rode all the way to church and back, 20 min drive each way, without any singing. I know I sound like a curmudgeon but I have to clarify that it isn't really singing. It's toneless, mindless, repetitious droning of the same few syllables for miles and miles and miles. Even the therapist said it'd drive her batty when I demonstrated it for her once. I'm guessing that Jane rode in cars where the radio was blasting all the time. I'm guessing that no one ever spoke with her as she rode. I'm guessing that, in her need to orally process every single thing, and witnessing that she talks to herself endlessly while playing, the lull of the moving car reduced her to one sing-song phrase as she tried ...

I'm focused on Jane's lying because it seems like the next opportunity to forge a trusting, meaningful relationship between us. We lie to those we don't like or respect or need; or to those we feel afraid of. We tell the truth when we feel safe enough to be vulnerable. As long as she keeps lying there will always be a lack of trust and connection. But, just as her finally reaching out to us for comfort during medical events gave us the opportunity to meet her physical needs in a loving way; I want her to change her "muscle memory" of reflexively panicking and lying and treating us like someone she's afraid of, and work through the process that leads to trusting. It's going to be intensive work and require lots and lots of opportunities for practice. Luckily I'm pretty much a human bull dog in my tenacity and working kids through a process of intrinsic behavior change is my actual profession. Also, she's super young and stupid and tells ridiculo...

When I look at the whole journey I can see that things are getting better. Our family is settling into the new normal of five kids, including three toddlers. I'm settling into managing the household demands of groceries, meals, laundry, baths, bedtimes, etc. Theo and I have figured out that I need way more support than ever before and how to provide that. The big boys have carved out their zones and we are intentional about preserving their interests and identities. The girls are truly becoming less anxious and more at home here every day. So many behaviors have come and gone. The negative behaviors that remain are less severe. Progress has been slow but it has also been steady. Kate has completely attached. At our family visit two days ago she cried when I walked away to buckle James into his carseat first and didn't want to stay with Grandma, as I'd intended. She calls me mama and acts towards me exactly as my bio children did when they were her age. I feel like she...

The local zoo was sponsoring a Mother's Day event so I chose that as the place we'd have our family visit with aunt, grandma, and cousins. I waited till yesterday to tell Jane that she'd be seeing them today. Her nightmares had gradually lessened since the visit two weeks ago. Then last night she had a bad one. She couldn't sleep for several hours and only drifted off after she was sure she could reach out and touch me whenever she needed to. I'd told grandma and aunt about the nightmares and asked them to find a way to reassure her, during their time with her today, that she was safe at my house and would not be returning to her bio mother (since fears about bio mother's house seemed to be the focus of the nightmares). I hoped hearing it from them, too, would confirm to Jane that her life is settled now and she'll no longer be bouncing around to various homes, especially hers. At the end of the visit I asked them if they'd had a chance to talk to ...

On Saturday I took the girls to aunt's workplace at 2pm. She drove them to her house where they played for about 2 hours with family and friends, and then brought them back to meet me about halfway between our houses. Though the girls have been alone with family before this was the first time they traveled without us and the total visit was 4 hours instead of 2 due to the travel time. So many little tidbits to mull over. Before the visit I prepped Jane about lots of things but the thing she latched onto was that she was NOT going to sleep at aunt's house but would be coming back to her own bed here.   I was surprisingly sad and anxious when her car pulled away. Would the girls even want to come back? How do divorced parents do this handing off of children? It feels awful to have so many conflicting emotions (have fun...but not too much fun) all at once. I had nothing to say by way of good-bye. My throat closed up. Aunt was uncomfortable and rushing things. I still hold b...

Finally, for the very first time in the 3+ months since she arrived, Jane initiated real, meaningful, lengthy cuddle sessions. I'm still feeling crudy from the flu so I spent a lot of today on the couch watching the Great British Baking Show on Netflix. Several times Jane came over and crawled up on my lap. Sometimes she talked about yesterday's visit and other times she was quiet. I followed her lead and was quiet or responsive based on her. Why today? I guess if I reflect back there have been little signs that she's bonding with us. (And maybe I was distracted because Kate all of a sudden began bonding fast and furious--doing all emotional stages from about 9 months through 24 months simultaneously, and adamantly demanding that I solve all the needs in all those stages--which has been exhausting and all-absorbing.) Maybe I thought Jane would be the same way but instead it's just going to be a more gradual, subtle process for her. She coped well with the visit ...

I feel the need to document how the girls acted after our return because I feel their behavior is indicative of so many important things: how they cope with and recover from the stress of change, how they manage grief, and how bonded to us they truly are. First, I've noticed that Jane becomes constipated any time she experiences interpersonal, relational stress. She would withhold bowel movements after every family visit, for example. So, it was no surprise to me that she quit having BMs about three days before we left on our trip when I first showed her the calendar I'd made showing when we'd leave and when we'd return. And, my mom reported that she had to resort to feeding prunes to help Jane go while we were gone. The first day we got back Jane was happy to see us with pretty typical 3-yr-old behaviors. Then, the second day she sought me out and began talking. We'd already done a script about care-giving with meals used to convey love and care the day before....

We got home from a six day road trip to look at colleges with our eldest son, Seth. We took all three boys, even James, the 3 yr old, but we left the two girls at home with my mom because we can't take them out of state and because we felt we needed some family time to reconnect. The trip started as one simple thing but kept getting bigger and longer as odd things got piled on. (We bought a car--because the next state over had cheaper prices. So now we can all ride together in one monster vehicle. The least fun, most practical car buying trip ever. "Least fun" pretty much characterizes most of our major decisions these days.) The trip was good for James. Back to his usual place of the youngest child with tons of attention from everyone. I noticed his vocabulary and speech complexity blossoming. And he was soooo happy and calm. Back to being our easy-going, unstressed, mostly compliant toddler. I loved and loved and loved on him, and still felt teary-eyed when we pulle...

We are on vacation. Half-way in and this may be the best family vacation we've ever had. Because everyone is just too tired to care. We're grateful for anything. Even sitting in a sterile hotel room all day long; even walking around a mediocre historical site on a cold, rainy day; even touring an upholstery museum is better than being home neck-deep in foster care land. This feels like those days after a newborn arrives and you're grateful just for a shower...except the whole family is in the midst of this emotional exhaustion, not just the mom.  We left the girls at our house with my mom. They've met her twice before and adore anyone called, "grandma" since their grandmothers have spoiled them rotten. I don't think they even cared that we left. (I know they didn't care. I made a calendar with visuals and talked about our trip for three days leading up to it. No reaction. No interest. These girls have lived in chaos for too long to expect anything ...