Foster Further

On Saturday I took the girls to aunt's workplace at 2pm. She drove them to her house where they played for about 2 hours with family and friends, and then brought them back to meet me about halfway between our houses. Though the girls have been alone with family before this was the first time they traveled without us and the total visit was 4 hours instead of 2 due to the travel time. So many little tidbits to mull over. Before the visit I prepped Jane about lots of things but the thing she latched onto was that she was NOT going to sleep at aunt's house but would be coming back to her own bed here.   I was surprisingly sad and anxious when her car pulled away. Would the girls even want to come back? How do divorced parents do this handing off of children? It feels awful to have so many conflicting emotions (have fun...but not too much fun) all at once. I had nothing to say by way of good-bye. My throat closed up. Aunt was uncomfortable and rushing things. I still hold ba

This past week the big new behavior has been tattling. I know, as a teacher, that behaviors move through a classroom like a virus and sometimes it's best to ignore them and let them work themselves out whereas other behaviors need an intervention. As I've been observing and weighing what to do I've mainly been gauging my own reaction. One reason I thought I was equipped to do foster care is because I've cared for other people's kids my entire professional life. And, as a special ed teacher, it's been a pretty close relationship with the need to communicate about and work through some pretty tough stuff with parents. Yet, what took me by surprise is how different it is to be parenting, in my own home, someone else's kids. Maybe if these girls had remained typical foster kids who were on track to return to mom then it'd be easier and I'd still have some professional distance. Now that rights are terminated and we've begun the adoption process

Tonight Jane and I ate dinner alone. Everyone else was either out of the house or had fallen asleep early. I pointed out that we were having a special time together and she was immediately enthralled.  You can literally watch her whole being inflate with joy when she's happy. It's a beautiful thing. She often goes back and repeats what has become a script about why she lives at our house when we're alone (she never brings up the topic if anyone else is around, even Kate). This time she said her usual handful of sentences, but then she said something new. She said, "I didn't feel safe there. I don't want to go back." Wow. That absolutely floored me.  True she's never acted like she did want to go back, has never asked to be with her bio mother, but still, this was so blunt. And whereas she's been rather robotic the last few times she recited her script, this time there was real emotion in her voice. Then she went on adding details about

I was looking ahead on the calendar to our next visit and suddenly realized it fell during Mother's Day weekend. A flood of mixed emotions hit me immediately. Mother's Day is not a deeply important holiday to me. It's nice and all but I've never had super big emotions about it.  The girls can't know what it is yet and won't have any big feelings this year. But...years from now...will this be a uniquely difficult holiday?  So if no one cares right now can I just kinda slide this one under the rug and avoid all the drama? Please, please, please someone confirm this is a real option!?! Ugh, but what about the birth family. Is this a big deal for them? Are there major traditions? Will this be a minefield of potential hurt feelings? Is there a tactful way to call them up and say, so, on a scale of 1 to 10 how invested are you into making this a big rigamarole? While thinking this through I did some googling and found that the local zoo does a special Mother

I invited grandma to join us at church on Easter Sunday. She had given me a beautiful Easter dress for Kate to wear and Theo and I are committed to including birth family in special moments as often as possible. It seemed like a sweet idea to let her be there when people oohed and ahhed over the girls in their Easter finest. (This first part is an aside but so bizarre I have to include it in the full story. Grandma was about 20 minutes late. The congregation was seated and the service well underway when I noticed heads around me turning to stare. I looked too and spotted what appeared to be a very angry, slightly demented lady pacing up and down every single aisle staring at people. Oh. My. God. It's grandma. She's looking for me. I never dreamed she'd do such a thing. The church held about 300 people and had 4 aisles--she went all the way to the front of each one searching. I was seated in the last section she approached. It took all my courage and integrity to weakly

It seems like I should be recording the cute (and maddening) little things three toddlers do as my own journal of their antics. This would be the post to skip if you aren't into the minutia only parents find interesting. Kate is sooooo two and in love with 'no'. At the table, Kate: Mommy, all done. Me: Okay, you want to get down? Kate: no pause Kate, teary: Mommy, get down? (as if I'd been the one who said she couldn't get down) I helped her down. In the bathroom watching me get ready, Jane stares at herself in the mirror for awhile and then announces: my nose is like a door. Me: a door? (panicked that she's shoved something new up there) Jane, flaring and closing her nostrils: yes, see? It can open and close! I have a feeling the kid's pronunciations are going to work their way into the family vocabulary as Gus's 'yogrit' became our word for 'yogurt'. My favorite so far: banbaids (bandaids) samwich (sandwich) James h

When I posted this picture on FB I explained the events in a few short sentences. And got the expected hahas and wows. But the real story is so much longer...and more wonderful...and weird. Briefly, here's all that happened. Jane has been a bit off since the family visit three days ago: less cheerful and starting to be sneaky in ways I've never seen before. Basically, there have been a few too many opportunities to teach why it's much worse to lie when confronted than just fess up right away.  Today as I walked into the playroom she jumped up and bolted out the other door guiltily. I called her back but she wouldn't say why she'd run. I reminded her punishments were worse if she lied and then sent her to the couch to think about what she wanted to tell me. A few minutes later she came to me and said, "I don't get in trouble if I tell the truth, right?" I nodded and then she said, "There's something in my nose. I think it's a

Where the most important question is...but wait, what did my sister get?

Today was another family visit day. We meet every two weeks, for two hours at a time. Usually it's in a public place--today was at a park with a big children's climbing thingy. Theo had to take Seth and Gus to a church youth group thing so I took all three littles: James, Jane and Kate to the park. Luckily I was only on my own with all three for about ten minutes before family showed up. After a little chit chat I explained that I'd be handing the girls over to them while I focused solely on James. That meant I left two girls in the care of five big people: grandma, grandma's boyfriend, aunt, and two teenage cousins. And still Jane got hurt THREE different times. THREE! I looked over at one point and saw four of them standing in a circle facing each other, all on their phones, while the girls took off in the opposite direction. First, Jane fell out of a swirly slide and hit her head. Then, she got run over by a kid on a scooter. Finally, she got hit in the chest

Today someone from the girls' past sent me pictures of them taken about 3 months before they came to us. I am truly grateful for the stability he brought to their life at that time and that he is kindly sending me pictures and telling us stories about their past. But my heart grieved, so hard, at those pics. The girls look...like poster children for neglect. They aren't looking at the camera. The photos are blurry and appear taken without any effort to pose them. They both have bangs that are overgrown and in their eyes, with the longer raggedy ends of their hair blowing in the wind. Their hair hangs loose and isn't pulled back in a barrette or pony tail and Jane's hair appears matted and missing chunks as I was told it used to be before she came to me. Their clothes don't fit. Jane's shirt is obviously a too-big cast off from someone else and it hangs from her shoulders. Kate's clothes are too small and so tight the sleeves cut into her arms. Everyt

Kate hit the big TWO and decided to test all the boundaries and reassert her will. Which means she says NO to everything including peeing in the potty. She went from reliably dry all day to wetting herself every 1-2 hours. So, today was recalibration day. I put the potty chairs in the kitchen, dressed she and James (who is a year older but behind her in every way, per the usual for my boys who hit all milestones on the late end of the curve) in only shirts, gave them water bottles, and planned a full day of kitchen cleaning. Last night, laying in bed planning today I got myself all excited about spring cleaning and wondered if I could even get caught up on laundry, too. This was gonna be great! Do you know what I did? I did dishes, made lunch, and emptied the veggie drawers in the fridge. That's it. In short, 4 hours in the kitchen this morning covered just my usual kitchen chores. Sure, I was interrupted every five minutes by a kid thing because I had two underfoot. But st

I've been thinking about how I react to everything the three toddlers do. After years as a special ed teacher and 16 years of parenting I feel like I'm pretty relaxed most of the time. I would generally describe my parenting style as: pick your battles and, really, are there that many battles worth fighting? But lately it seems like I'm having big reactions to some things that the three littles do. For example: they were all three playing in the front yard and Kate opened the gate and got out into the driveway, even though I'd made a big deal about only mama opening that gate. Walking outside and finding her outside the fence (the gate had swung shut behind her) was about the angriest I have been since the girls came. I went absolutely ballistic...to the extent that I won't even describe here what I did to teach her this was extremely dangerous behavior. We live in the country but our house is near a road that people go flying down because it's so quiet. No

I was thinking that I haven't focused on the positive in quite some time. I was so wrapped up in the stress and uncertainty surrounding the trial and then Kate's birthday party that I haven't been enjoying the girls, or anyone in the family for that matter. So, here is an ode to all things wonderful about Jane and Kate. Okay, they're adorable. Jane has huge blue eyes and porcelain skin in a heart shaped face. Her long dark brown hair is silky straight and shines in the sun. The ragged edges have grown out and I've learned how to manage the cowlicks so that each day I can do a cute hairdo. She's lost her too-hard, too-tight, trying-to-please smile and now grins a genuine smile full of joy. She's one of those people who looks even better in pictures than in real life. I wouldn't be surprised if with her looks and height somehow she finds her way into modeling at some point (though that isn't a path I'd push a daughter of mine into, if she wante