Today was another family visit day. We meet every two weeks, for two hours at a time. Usually it's in a public place--today was at a park with a big children's climbing thingy.
Theo had to take Seth and Gus to a church youth group thing so I took all three littles: James, Jane and Kate to the park. Luckily I was only on my own with all three for about ten minutes before family showed up. After a little chit chat I explained that I'd be handing the girls over to them while I focused solely on James.
That meant I left two girls in the care of five big people: grandma, grandma's boyfriend, aunt, and two teenage cousins. And still Jane got hurt THREE different times. THREE!
I looked over at one point and saw four of them standing in a circle facing each other, all on their phones, while the girls took off in the opposite direction.
First, Jane fell out of a swirly slide and hit her head. Then, she got run over by a kid on a scooter. Finally, she got hit in the chest with a football when she ran between two boys playing catch. And she isn't even the daredevil! It's amazing that Kate wasn't absolutely pulverized if Jane was getting hurt so much.
On one hand I do have to remember that people who aren't used to chasing toddlers all day are not attuned to looking for dangers before they happen. You kinda forget that 3 yr olds will run right into the path of danger without looking when you haven't been around them a lot. But, still. There were FIVE of them...they couldn't take turns?
There were two other interesting things. First, Kate was clearly looking for me. I tried to give them all space and play in a different part of the park with James but occasionally the kids would gravitate to the same section and we'd run into each other. Each time Kate spotted me she'd come barrelling over and launch herself into my arms yelling, "Mommy!!" She'd snuggled for a moment and then bounce up to run off and play. She just needed that moment of connection before she was ready to go play again. It was very sweet.
But, at the very end, after she'd been running hard for two hours, when she saw me she burst into tears and demanded to be picked up. She was so tired. She put her head down on my shoulder and just sobbed. I carried her all the way to the car.
I wish I could understand all the emotions she must experience. When she couldn't spot me did she think I'd left her? Did she remember the old days when seeing grandma meant leaving mom's house and going to grandma's house for days on end without knowing when she'd see her mother again?
It is so hard to explain time to a two-year-old. I try to explain before each visit exactly who will be there and what we'll do and I always stress that at the end they'll come back home but I'm not sure how much she can really understand and remember.
The second interesting thing was that Jane was an absolute brat. It was like a scene from a bad reality TV show where you can't believe anyone really behaves that way. She barked out her demands and the family jumped to meet them. She'd take two bites of a food and then toss it at someone and demand something else. She glared at me when I prompted her to say 'please' or 'thank you' and refused. She called them names and was snotty when they tried to say good-bye. And they took it all with either uncomfortable little chuckles or responded as if this behavior was normal.
I had seen brief glimmers of this behavior on previous visits but she always corrected when prompted. This was the first time I got a glare and continuation of the behavior. She even said weird things like denying that she liked spaghetti when she just ate two helpings of it last night. Clearly she needed to distance herself from me and test how far she could go in restoring old (unhealthy) relationships.
Needless to say, little miss bratty and I had a serious talk when we got home. I (temporarily) took away all the toys grandma gave her and she had a long timeout in her room while the others got a cartoon. She now understands that if one iota of that behavior ever happens again the visit will end immediately and she will come home to a serious consequence.
At the end of our talk Jane leaned against my chest and cried really hard. Suddenly she burst out, "I still love you!" (Clearly needing to hear me say it; which I did.) Then, she said, "And I always come back here!" (Again, saying it because she needed me to say it which I did and added more about how she lives here all the time now and we are her family.) This was deeply reassuring to her.
Every visit is still a surprise. Some visits they've been great during but then experienced a big meltdown on the drive home. This visit seemed to be difficult during but now, several hours later, they're back to normal.
Incidentally, at one point I asked grandma how she felt about us having the girls, because I'd heard that she's hired a lawyer to try to get custody. She said she feels good about us having them and even says that she calls us 'mom and dad' when talking to friends. She says she just wants to be grandma and not have to parent. I don't really believe anything she says but at least there's a chance this is true.
Theo had to take Seth and Gus to a church youth group thing so I took all three littles: James, Jane and Kate to the park. Luckily I was only on my own with all three for about ten minutes before family showed up. After a little chit chat I explained that I'd be handing the girls over to them while I focused solely on James.
That meant I left two girls in the care of five big people: grandma, grandma's boyfriend, aunt, and two teenage cousins. And still Jane got hurt THREE different times. THREE!
I looked over at one point and saw four of them standing in a circle facing each other, all on their phones, while the girls took off in the opposite direction.
First, Jane fell out of a swirly slide and hit her head. Then, she got run over by a kid on a scooter. Finally, she got hit in the chest with a football when she ran between two boys playing catch. And she isn't even the daredevil! It's amazing that Kate wasn't absolutely pulverized if Jane was getting hurt so much.
On one hand I do have to remember that people who aren't used to chasing toddlers all day are not attuned to looking for dangers before they happen. You kinda forget that 3 yr olds will run right into the path of danger without looking when you haven't been around them a lot. But, still. There were FIVE of them...they couldn't take turns?
There were two other interesting things. First, Kate was clearly looking for me. I tried to give them all space and play in a different part of the park with James but occasionally the kids would gravitate to the same section and we'd run into each other. Each time Kate spotted me she'd come barrelling over and launch herself into my arms yelling, "Mommy!!" She'd snuggled for a moment and then bounce up to run off and play. She just needed that moment of connection before she was ready to go play again. It was very sweet.
But, at the very end, after she'd been running hard for two hours, when she saw me she burst into tears and demanded to be picked up. She was so tired. She put her head down on my shoulder and just sobbed. I carried her all the way to the car.
I wish I could understand all the emotions she must experience. When she couldn't spot me did she think I'd left her? Did she remember the old days when seeing grandma meant leaving mom's house and going to grandma's house for days on end without knowing when she'd see her mother again?
It is so hard to explain time to a two-year-old. I try to explain before each visit exactly who will be there and what we'll do and I always stress that at the end they'll come back home but I'm not sure how much she can really understand and remember.
The second interesting thing was that Jane was an absolute brat. It was like a scene from a bad reality TV show where you can't believe anyone really behaves that way. She barked out her demands and the family jumped to meet them. She'd take two bites of a food and then toss it at someone and demand something else. She glared at me when I prompted her to say 'please' or 'thank you' and refused. She called them names and was snotty when they tried to say good-bye. And they took it all with either uncomfortable little chuckles or responded as if this behavior was normal.
I had seen brief glimmers of this behavior on previous visits but she always corrected when prompted. This was the first time I got a glare and continuation of the behavior. She even said weird things like denying that she liked spaghetti when she just ate two helpings of it last night. Clearly she needed to distance herself from me and test how far she could go in restoring old (unhealthy) relationships.
Needless to say, little miss bratty and I had a serious talk when we got home. I (temporarily) took away all the toys grandma gave her and she had a long timeout in her room while the others got a cartoon. She now understands that if one iota of that behavior ever happens again the visit will end immediately and she will come home to a serious consequence.
At the end of our talk Jane leaned against my chest and cried really hard. Suddenly she burst out, "I still love you!" (Clearly needing to hear me say it; which I did.) Then, she said, "And I always come back here!" (Again, saying it because she needed me to say it which I did and added more about how she lives here all the time now and we are her family.) This was deeply reassuring to her.
Every visit is still a surprise. Some visits they've been great during but then experienced a big meltdown on the drive home. This visit seemed to be difficult during but now, several hours later, they're back to normal.
Incidentally, at one point I asked grandma how she felt about us having the girls, because I'd heard that she's hired a lawyer to try to get custody. She said she feels good about us having them and even says that she calls us 'mom and dad' when talking to friends. She says she just wants to be grandma and not have to parent. I don't really believe anything she says but at least there's a chance this is true.
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