Skip to main content

What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences. 

Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content. 

But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is. 

She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--she has to say she's too warm because she can't admit we take care of her and meet her needs. 

I hadn't asked her about her room temp for a few weeks to see if she'd forget about making an issue of it. But, I do want her to be okay so yesterday I wanted to ask her. I stood there trying to think of how I could phrase the question. I thought and thought and could not think of a phrasing that would simply get to the truth. 

No matter what I said I knew she'd stand there thinking about how she wanted to skew the conversation. Did she want to please me? Did she want to complain? Either way she'd give an answer that served a purpose--not the simple truth. 

That is what her chronic lying has led us to. I do not trust her. At all. Complete distrust in her ability to answer the most basic of questions: are you too hot or cold? Truth is not a goal for her. Ever. All communication is about manipulation. Getting what she wants out of each situation. 

She lives in a state of hyper vigilance and constant manipulation. It is a lonely, and exhausting, place to live. I am sorry she insists on staying there. I have invited her to relax and join humanity in every possible way I can think of but, in the end, the decision to do so will be hers alone. 

So, this is our normal. On the surface most of the time things are fine. She isn't a problem (usually) that anyone else could see. But I live with a child whom I distrust to honestly answer even the simplest question. And it is very hard to have a relationship with someone you completely and utterly distrust.

It is sad. For everyone.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...