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What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences. 

Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content. 

But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is. 

She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--she has to say she's too warm because she can't admit we take care of her and meet her needs. 

I hadn't asked her about her room temp for a few weeks to see if she'd forget about making an issue of it. But, I do want her to be okay so yesterday I wanted to ask her. I stood there trying to think of how I could phrase the question. I thought and thought and could not think of a phrasing that would simply get to the truth. 

No matter what I said I knew she'd stand there thinking about how she wanted to skew the conversation. Did she want to please me? Did she want to complain? Either way she'd give an answer that served a purpose--not the simple truth. 

That is what her chronic lying has led us to. I do not trust her. At all. Complete distrust in her ability to answer the most basic of questions: are you too hot or cold? Truth is not a goal for her. Ever. All communication is about manipulation. Getting what she wants out of each situation. 

She lives in a state of hyper vigilance and constant manipulation. It is a lonely, and exhausting, place to live. I am sorry she insists on staying there. I have invited her to relax and join humanity in every possible way I can think of but, in the end, the decision to do so will be hers alone. 

So, this is our normal. On the surface most of the time things are fine. She isn't a problem (usually) that anyone else could see. But I live with a child whom I distrust to honestly answer even the simplest question. And it is very hard to have a relationship with someone you completely and utterly distrust.

It is sad. For everyone.

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