Foster Further

 It's been several weeks since The Big Consequence of losing a toy if Jane lies was enacted. After that first day when we took two trips she hadn't had another incident. It felt miraculous; and tentative.  But, also, it was wondrous to see her finally blooming. I feel like she's become happier by the day. Now that she herself has finally decided to live an honest and open life she's so much more affectionate and healthy in her interactions. No more always trying to monitor everything so she could gauge how to respond; always guarding her true feelings.  I also think she's become more resilient. If I do have to discipline her for something now it feels like she can bounce back and return to a calm, connected state quicker. I used to worry that one incident could send her reeling for days--and always with the looming fear that she'd do something harmful in retaliation. Now, if she forgets to put her shoes away I can tell her and it's no big deal.  So, after we...

 I'm puzzled by what I've just observed and so I'm going to record my observations here to try to work out what happened.  1. Today is Tues. It's the 5th of a 5 day stretch at home for Kate (regular Fri off school, then 3 day weekend plus a snow day). Very cold weather and storms so we haven't left the house. 2. Last week was a turbulent school week--special dress up days, Valentine's Day parties/crafts/activities, half-day schedule, etc. 3. Last week there was a lot of talk of "love" due to Valentine's Day. 4. Last week both girls seemed pissy, irritable, hyper, jealous, cranky when playing with each other, etc. 5. Six days ago Kate began pooping in her underwear. Filling them with poop. Sometimes she'd finish pooping on the toilet, sometimes she told me she only pooped in her underwear and never went on the toilet--just kept on playing. She did this every day for 5 out of 6 days.  6. Six days ago I discovered what was happening when I did the...

We were on vacation at the beach for a week. All the kids love this spot and the three littles played nonstop in the water and sand. Jane was swimming without her floatie by the second day. She went to the beach twice each day--morning and evening--and had to be lured out of the water during the heat of the day with promises of food and cartoons. The big boys love that she's fearless and were helping her jump waves and even tossing her about in the water. It was the most fun I've seen them have with her. By the sixth day she was exhausted. Sleeping 12-14 hours each night. She even told me she wanted to go home. Honestly, I could relate...that much fun IS exhausting. We get home and everyone takes a day or two to recover. Pretty much just laundry and laying around. By day 3 post-vacation everyone else is back to normal. Not Jane. Today is Day 4 and she's still all out of sorts. Yesterday she was non-stop naughty in that passive-aggressive, under-the-radar way she has. She ha...

This morning I had to go to the middle school to pick up items from Gus's locker. The school had cleaned out every child's locker and parents were asked to do a pickup while they returned other items such as band uniforms. Parents were instructed to stay in their cars, make a sign with their kids' name and tape it to the window, roll down windows to exchange but don't make contact, etc. Very well organized. I fought tears the whole time. Everything outside of the house makes me cry these days. All these safety protocols in the grocery store. They set off this urge to wail like a frightened child. Of course I don't. I don't show a single reaction whatsoever--but deep inside I'm totally panicked. So, seeing the school principal and secretary (6 years of kids in this building and I know them well) in masks and gloves and I just wanted to break down and weep. It's so scary and real in ways that a media website's charts and graphics just can't be. ...

Jane is sick today. The family had dodged the flu bullet so far this year and I thought we might get all the way through but maybe that was too optimistic. Even with me being the hand-washing Nazi it looks like some germs snuck through my defenses. She started getting sick yesterday but the girls had their visit scheduled with grandma and we don't like to cancel. We're down to once a month visits and she hadn't seen them since before Christmas. Also, aunt and her family were up visiting from KY and it's important to maintain that connection. So, the girls went to the bowling alley we'd chosen for this visit anyway. Jane was a complete mess on the way home. Sobbing inconsolably over a lost penny; fighting with her sister, etc. Put her right to bed at 5:30 with books and lots of water to drink and made her stay there. This morning there's no fever but still the runny nose and congestion. And THE ANGER! Wow, I've noticed before that when she's ill she...

Today I began my grand plan to convert Jane from an ADHD-addled squirrel to a real human girl--when it comes to playing with toys, that is. I shared this description with Theo and he about busted a gut, by the way. Exclaiming: yes! That's it! I can totally see it! What finally pushed me into focusing on this area was thinking about how she plays by herself during Quiet Time. She's totally different during that hour of the day. Every kid is alone in a room with a special set of toys that only comes out during this time. Jane loves it! She takes her little doll house and its miniatures into her room and plays with great imagination. I hear her and she's so happy! Contrast that with play downstairs where she's like a squirrel/tornado scattering toys as wildly as she can, hiding bits and pieces all over the house in a perpetual attempt to hoard a stash all her own that no one else can touch. She looks unhappy and stressed and is prone to bickering and meltdowns during...

The facts: due to Thanksgiving chaos, in the past three weeks Jane has faced a slew of obstacles. 1) We revisited birth family in a home she used to go to often for the first time in a year--lots of memories triggered by being in that space again. 2) We traveled out of state and were gone from home for 4 nights--a major disruption to her sleep and sense of security. 3) Something like 30+ people we rarely see were a part of those visits--this highly social girl is exhausted. 4) Due to the travel we missed two dance classes and two O.T. sessions--big factors in her physical well-being. 5) She's 4 years old and only one year into a safe environment and really, only a few months into feeling calm and safe every day. So, looking at it like that, of course I should expect negative consequences, right? Honestly, looking at those factors it's been much smoother than it could've been. I see that she's more hyper, less able to focus on toys, more prone to pestering the ...

Two days ago the most potentially dangerous thing that's ever happened at our house occurred. Jane opened the gate to the goat pen and let them out so they had access to where the three little kids were playing unsupervised (I was inside making dinner). Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or ...

We're two weeks into the Keep-Your-Panties-Dry Incentive and New Bedtime Routine. Exciting times around our house. Kate completely regressed about a month ago to wetting herself all day long. Could hardly go three hours. Doc recommended medicines and OTC remedies didn't work. It was becoming an area of anxiety for her. I think she actually began peeing herself out of fear when she thought she might've peed herself but hadn't yet...bizarro situations she couldn't unravel at 2.5. So, back to diapers full time but with these caveats: a) I ask her every morning if she wants diapers or underwear and honor her choice (she's relieved to be able to choose diapers but once did choose underwear). b) I prompt her to use the potty regularly. She pees in it about four times a day but still has a soaked diaper inbetween. She always poops in the potty, thank god. On the day that I told Kate she could go back to diapers Jane was standing there and I watched this animali...

Jane does not stutter when she is angry.  I am so flummoxed by this I can't even process. Background: yesterday was a bad day. Just nonstop big and little things that ended in a return to time out almost as soon as she got out and an hour long phone call from me to her therapist. We rarely have days like this. Once every three months or so. Today she came awake still angry. Normally she bounces out of bed happy. This morning it was all dirty looks. She stayed angry all day. This was very new. Maybe the first time we've seen this and both Theo and I felt it was healthy as it was a normal reaction we'd expect after the consequences she received yesterday. I was mentally noting what it looks like when she's angry because I've never seen her stay angry more than a few minutes. And that's when it hit me---she had not stuttered once all day! Her stuttering had gotten really bad last week. Bad enough that I was considering asking for a re-eval by the speech...