Foster Further

I keep having these imaginary conversations in my head. Outwardly I'm driving or cleaning or folding laundry but inside I'm screaming, ranting, finger-wagging, castigating. Making that perfect point that puts my imaginary listener in his/her place. Makes them widen their eyes and take a step back before bowing their head and walking away, out of my life, forever. Why do we do this? I get in this state when there are too many things coming at me at once. I suppose I'm fantasizing that if only I'd responded perfectly the first time then those stressors would've gone away forever. Or maybe I'm just wanting them to feel the pain that now I'm suffering due to their stupidity. I never said I was a saint. Or maybe this endless replay of past events is akin to why we worry about future events. If I can just rehearse and rehearse until the grooves are worn smooth in my brain then I'll be prepared for next time... Here are the additional stressors that hav...

Days like this I'm glad I started this blog. Full on vent needed. Today was family visit day. First time taking the girls to aunt and uncle's house. I have a good relationship with aunt. As our social worker said, "they're good people". They are. (It takes a big person to say that they'd rather the girls stay with us than be adopted by them. They're truly capable of thinking about the children's best interests and their own limitations.) My problem is with grandma. There's a reason she has been deemed unfit to adopt. Here's what began my day: At every previous visit grandma has loaded the girls with bags and bags of crap. Like 3-4 shopping bags full of old clothes, used toys, cheap kiddie jewelry...and all of it reeking of cigarette smoke. I understand it's her way of showing love. Stuff = love. At first I thought it must taper off so I kept mum. But every visit brought more bags of crap. After the last visit I sent pictures of t...