Foster Further

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...

 It's been a rough week...month...year...I don't even know anymore. When did it start, and stop, being difficult? I can't define those moments anymore.  My life isn't like climbing a mountain and descending the other side and looking back and saying, well, phew, that's over. Nope. My life is like being a rock on the beach just within reach of the waves. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. Storms and calm, little good things, little bad things. Relentless. Constant. Unceasing. Why do I say all that? To put today's conversation in context. Yes, it was a big revelation. But, really, not that big. Ebb and flow. After other big conversations like this I've felt close to her and hopeful about our future. I've made big statements that, "we're finally bonding now!!" No. No, we weren't. And we never will. She isn't ever really going to trust and love me. Not in the deep way that children and their mothers are inexplicably bonded. I'll be family ...