Foster Further

These two disorders together look like a girl wearing pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a winter coat with the hood up, standing outside in the sun in 80 degree heat. This is what I saw yesterday while outside watering my garden. It's about 11am and I'm in shorts and a tank top and a huge sun hat, sweating away under the hot sun, wishing I could be in the shade. I look up and here comes Jane dressed for winter. This is at least the fifth time this summer she's come outside dressed like this. Why? Because she can't find her sun hat. I have an inviolate rule that the children must wear sandals and a sun hat when playing outside. No more splinters and sun burns since the rule went into effect!! Once Kate, age 3, couldn't find her sun hat so she scrounged around among the winter things and found a knit cap and was running around in that. I explained the purpose of the sun hat and Kate now wears the right hat every time. Jane is a year and a half older than Kate but she c...

Today was Jane's last therapy appointment. Last January I began earnestly looking for a family therapist experienced in the foster-to-adopt world. It was hard to find one who also accepted Medicaid. I wasn't wowed by her but she was nice enough and I certainly welcomed a listening ear when I needed to vent and ask for advice. I've felt for the past few weeks that I'm kinda done with seeing a therapist. I don't see her doing anything astounding with Jane. I'm past the point of desperately seeking advice. The more Jane has become "my" daughter the less I've needed outside help. This seems like a natural and healthy progression for me. But, I couldn't end, or more accurately, put on hiatus, our time with the therapist because I won't do anything that'd trigger more paperwork and delays from the agencies. I do believe we'll need therapists at times in our future but right now it's okay to take a break. I wish I could've had ...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

Yesterday a good friend messaged me to ask questions about foster care. She and her husband are considering it, as I already knew, and she wanted to get my opinion on it. She said, in part, "... Knowing everything that you know now, would you do foster care again? I know that’s a hard question because it’s impossible not to recognize that’s where your daughters came from."  I have no problem whatsoever in airing my opinion and was about to jump in with my list of top things the foster care agency doesn't tell you...but my eyes could not leave that second sentence.  Because...? Why? I felt so conflicted absorbing her thoughts.  Should I be offended that someone was politely opening the door for me to own up to the fact that I have regrets? Should I just come out and say, no, really, that's okay, I don't really think of them as my daughters yet anyway, no offense taken! Am I supposed to get to the point in my life where I feel more comfortable hiding or ne...

Well, it happened. Social workers endlessly drilling the word 'foster' into their minds finally sunk in and Jane began using the word. It's not necessarily bad or a secret. I just don't like them learning a label for themselves if it makes them feel different or bad about themselves. I'd just as soon they transition from daughter in one family to daughter in another family. Not saying that'll be easier, per se...but I do think it's more accurate when describing their life journey. So, today the girls are playing and I realize Jane has decided one of her stuffed animals is "Foster Baby". The baby has to be quickly removed from one place (the couch) and put in a safe place (a box). Over and over again. She seems like she wants to act this out but is kinda stuck on what to do next so I decide to engage with her so I can help give language to whatever she's processing. Together she and I move the foster baby through a series of harrowing even...