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Lessons from the Therapist

Today was Jane's last therapy appointment. Last January I began earnestly looking for a family therapist experienced in the foster-to-adopt world. It was hard to find one who also accepted Medicaid. I wasn't wowed by her but she was nice enough and I certainly welcomed a listening ear when I needed to vent and ask for advice.

I've felt for the past few weeks that I'm kinda done with seeing a therapist. I don't see her doing anything astounding with Jane. I'm past the point of desperately seeking advice. The more Jane has become "my" daughter the less I've needed outside help. This seems like a natural and healthy progression for me.

But, I couldn't end, or more accurately, put on hiatus, our time with the therapist because I won't do anything that'd trigger more paperwork and delays from the agencies. I do believe we'll need therapists at times in our future but right now it's okay to take a break. I wish I could've had this conversation openly and honestly with the therapist today.

So I sat in the office looking at her and feeling a tinge of guilt that I couldn't give her warning that this is her good-bye session with Jane. But, here's the lesson I realized I've learned from dealing with family-centered bureaucracies this past year. I may like a person but that doesn't mean I should trust them.

To like but not to trust. This is a very strange new concept for me. But I feel it encapsulates the relationships I've had in the past with parents of some of my students, and also the kind of relationship the girls Grandma has with us. Everyone can be jovial and friendly when around each other, but those parents living some behaviors they know I'd question aren't about to tell me the full story of their home life. Grandma worked hard to make us like her enough to let her into our home, but there was never going to be a mutual exchange of trust where she told us, face-to-face, about the felony assault conviction in her past.

I feel like I'm learning to think like a criminal. Like someone who lives just slightly outside the law. Someone who doesn't want a person in authority, required to make reports by the nature of their job, to have too close of a look into their lives.

And all I'm doing is taking a break from therapy for awhile! Hardly a crime. Yet I'm so tired of the scrutiny and absurd amount of paperwork that accompanies every parenting decision I make with foster kids.

It's hard to explain what it'll mean to have this adoption finalized. Mainly just a sense of relief that no one is looking over our shoulder anymore second guessing everything. No more outside people having equal say into our home as we do.

In order for us to truly become one family unit we need a break from everyone--therapists, social workers, even birth family.

Every time I realize that we're one day closer to being able to take a break from everyone I feel just a bit happier. A bit less stressed.

Because I don't want to be the kind of person who likes but doesn't trust. I'm ready to going back to being plain old me.

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