Foster Further

Why is tentativeness annoying? For the past week or so Jane has entered his scaredy cat/hovering/tentative demeanor that drives me crazy. It's hard to define exactly how her behavior differs and why it's annoying and yet it's so, so real. It really is. Here's an example. About 30 minutes ago, after kids and dog and cats were fed and pottied and dressed and started on their day, I sat down on one side of our loveseat/double recliner and began working on my laptop. Jane immediately crawled up into the other recliner and began leaning over the console so her head was hovering less than an inch from my shoulder. She was mouth breathing all over me and staring at my screen (which was just text as I was working on a document). I'm working hard on being patient and kind when correcting her. So, with a neutral tone I said something like, "this is mama's time to work. I need some space when I work. You can be near me but please sit in your chair and don't le...

January been a rough month after 2019 was a rough year. Theo and I were spending some time together this Sunday afternoon talking it all through. I told him that in many ways I'm, weirdly, feeling like I'm in that 3 month postpartum zone. I always said my pregnancies were 12 months long because I wasn't really myself until my newborns were about 3 months old. Well, I feel like this adoption process has been a 15 month pregnancy that still isn't over. I've got so much to worry about that I'm not sleeping.  I'm having all these perimenopausal hormonal fluctuations that make my thinking foggy and my emotions too raw. I feel too tender and exposed, with no capacity for maintaining a thick skin about anything anymore. I have three little kids who need contact with my body all day long and while I've always been a hands-on mother at some point I am just done with other people needing access to my body for 12 straight hours a day. And I have to have my h...

We are approaching the end of the hardest year our family has endured since, well, it's very first one. (In our first year of marriage Theo and I coped with the death of his mother a week before our wedding; an unplanned, high-risk pregnancy; two moves; and struggling to live on one salary that didn't cover both rent and groceries. Besides being newly married and having no clue how to actually live together. Really nothing we'll ever face will be harder than that year. Honestly.) But, back to present day. Things are winding down. 1) The house painters are gone. Eight days of "final touch-ups that will just take a few hours". Eight days of watching them patch a spot sloppily with putty so the putty got on the green trim. Then repainting the green trim to cover the putty. Then repainting the yellow house paint where they slopped the green trim paint. True story. Now multiply by every inch of a two-story house with a porch, chimney, and 19 windows and three ext...

Not gonna lie. The girls saying they didn't love me and didn't want to live here hurt like hell. Especially coming just one day after Kate's sweet moment of saying she loved and wanted, "dis one". I couldn't sleep that night until I reminded myself that it's actions, not words, when dealing with kids. Especially the littles. So I took note of how many times today Kate ran up and wrapped her arms around my leg and gave it a hug...just because. Twelve random moments when she needed to make contact and then happily ran off, comforted. I took note of how many times Jane called me "mama" in casual conversation because it's a big deal that a word that girl refused to use for months has now become something she uses un-selfconsciously. I made myself sit and smile back each time they looked me in the face and grinned for one of those simple, no-big-deal reasons. I slowed down to enjoy each cute and funny thing they did. Let myself be mesmer...

I keep having these imaginary conversations in my head. Outwardly I'm driving or cleaning or folding laundry but inside I'm screaming, ranting, finger-wagging, castigating. Making that perfect point that puts my imaginary listener in his/her place. Makes them widen their eyes and take a step back before bowing their head and walking away, out of my life, forever. Why do we do this? I get in this state when there are too many things coming at me at once. I suppose I'm fantasizing that if only I'd responded perfectly the first time then those stressors would've gone away forever. Or maybe I'm just wanting them to feel the pain that now I'm suffering due to their stupidity. I never said I was a saint. Or maybe this endless replay of past events is akin to why we worry about future events. If I can just rehearse and rehearse until the grooves are worn smooth in my brain then I'll be prepared for next time... Here are the additional stressors that hav...

It's 2:15 and I've already run through the full gamut of daily experiences with Jane so I thought I'd use these, while they're fresh in my mind, to highlight what it's like to live with this particular child. Annoying Behavior She Knows Not To Do 7am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I go downstairs?" I say yes. (This happens every morning and is a nut I cannot crack. We used to have her stay and play in her room when she awoke but now she wakes up Kate. Then I let her go downstairs without asking but then I discovered she was waking up super early for the delight of getting into mischief unsupervised downstairs. Now if she wakes me then at least I can either send her back to sleep if it's too early or roll out of bed soon after her.) This morning Theo was already downstairs so I told her to go and stayed in bed to try to sleep some more.  7:30am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I feed the cats?" Now I'm pissed. I...

Our house is getting painted so the kids can't play outside due to the ladders. Yesterday we went to the zoo and today we went to a local pool and splash pad. (And now there's the extra challenge of keeping them just busy enough that they're content to rest when home but not so busy that Jane gets overly tired because now I know that can bring on a yet-to-be-officially-diagnosed neurological episode.) So I know Jane can develop tummy issues when she's stressed but she seemed to be okay after we returned from our mini-vacation last week. I guess not. Today at the pool she pooped herself. It's been months since she's done that. I chalk it up to constipation plus swimming? Who needs prunes when you've got a giant bath of warm salt-system water? Whatever works. Luckily I'd packed extra clothes, even including an extra swimsuit, so I helped her get cleaned up and changed and we resumed play, but not before she and I had a talk about her being too old (t...

So I wasn't crazy and something abnormal is really happening with Jane. She was screened by a neurologist at our local university's hospital today and after looking at some videos I'd recorded of what looked like seizure-behavior to me, he referred her for an EEG and an MRI. Oooh, boy. The one-hour EEG is this Friday. He said it takes about 48 hours to hear results of an EEG. He did not see overt signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He did want to do genetic testing to look for a chromosomal disorder. And he also ordered the MRI just to look at all kinds of things, including more mild forms of FAS that may not result in physical characteristics. On one hand we want definitive results after all this testing, but on the other hand nobody is wishing anything upon her. And...the foster care lens. I saw this so many times when working with parents as a special ed teacher. I could give biological parents or foster/adoptive parents the exact same news and the reactions would...

Let me start by saying that in my professional and personal life I've known lots of social workers and some of them are the smartest, wisest, most insightful people I've ever met. Several are the kind of person I hope I grow up to be someday. A good friend of mine, who is a social worker, got a full ride to college and probably could've gone into any degree area she wanted to pursue. So, lots of smart social workers out there...just not the ones we have. Our adoption social worker called yesterday for this purpose: SW: what's your monthly income me: didn't we put our yearly income on X form (I can picture it in my head) SW: yes, but I need the monthly income pause  me wondering, will she figure this out? nope. me: couldn't you just divide the yearly income by twelve to get a monthly income? lengthy pause SW: (still thinking hard, trying to puzzle her way through this complex math problem) yeah...I guess...I think that would work...okay! It worked! ...

About a month ago the girls went with aunt, in her car, to spend time at her house for the family visit. I had suggested and arranged it. It was a terrible mistake. Immediately afterward Jane began having nightmares, returned to stuttering, and in general showed heightened anxiety. The aftermath with the adults has been equally hard. We finally got a therapist and after I described events to her she said that being in the car triggered memories of their unstable life where adults dropped them off at a new home every few days. I've had to explain this to grandma and aunt and ask for a return to shorter visits where we transport and remain present throughout. The curt and/or fearful emails I've gotten in response have not been easy to cope with. They think I'm saying that being with them is bad for the kids and eventually, once the adoption is finalized, I'll stop the visits altogether. I absolutely do not believe that...but can you blame them? Of course they have t...

I feel the need to document how the girls acted after our return because I feel their behavior is indicative of so many important things: how they cope with and recover from the stress of change, how they manage grief, and how bonded to us they truly are. First, I've noticed that Jane becomes constipated any time she experiences interpersonal, relational stress. She would withhold bowel movements after every family visit, for example. So, it was no surprise to me that she quit having BMs about three days before we left on our trip when I first showed her the calendar I'd made showing when we'd leave and when we'd return. And, my mom reported that she had to resort to feeding prunes to help Jane go while we were gone. The first day we got back Jane was happy to see us with pretty typical 3-yr-old behaviors. Then, the second day she sought me out and began talking. We'd already done a script about care-giving with meals used to convey love and care the day before....