I feel the need to document how the girls acted after our return because I feel their behavior is indicative of so many important things: how they cope with and recover from the stress of change, how they manage grief, and how bonded to us they truly are.
First, I've noticed that Jane becomes constipated any time she experiences interpersonal, relational stress. She would withhold bowel movements after every family visit, for example. So, it was no surprise to me that she quit having BMs about three days before we left on our trip when I first showed her the calendar I'd made showing when we'd leave and when we'd return. And, my mom reported that she had to resort to feeding prunes to help Jane go while we were gone.
The first day we got back Jane was happy to see us with pretty typical 3-yr-old behaviors. Then, the second day she sought me out and began talking. We'd already done a script about care-giving with meals used to convey love and care the day before. Now, on the second day, it became more nuanced. She talked about her feelings. She said words like, "sad", "happy", "missed you", "every day" to convey how she felt during the whole time. I used the same words to convey that I didn't want to leave her and felt bad that she was sad when I was gone. At the end she also focused on our return and that I leave each weekday for work but then I always come back.
We talked for a solid 15 minutes, going back and repeating things often to add more detail. It seemed important to her that a) we each equally missed each other and that, b) our absence was not a casual thing to be ignored, and c) an absence like this was out of routine and wouldn't be soon repeated.
Our conversation ended and then a few moments later Jane said, sounding surprised, "I have to poop!" And sure enough she did...a huge amount.
I am reminded that, while in Western culture the emotions are seated in the heart, in other cultures they are seated in the belly.
Second, today I had to take Kate to the emergency room. There's a huge snafu surrounding her Medicaid card, our regular doctor, urgent care sites, etc. So, when she had such a nasty cough and raspy breathing last night that she couldn't sleep I took her to the hospital this morning.
Standing in line to check in a man behind us tried to talk to her. For the very first time, EVER, she raised her arms to me, said, "mama, hold me!" and then, when I picked her up she buried her face in my neck and hid from the man. It was amazing! I've never seen her afraid of strangers before.
This continued all day. Every time anyone came close she demanded to be held and tried to hide in my arms. While I had to let medical personnel do their thing I made sure to always stay in physical contact with her and to swoop her back into my arms the moment they were done.
Inbetween medical stuff I rocked her and sang to her and did finger plays and generally played with her nonstop for about 4 hours. And she was so happy! Looking into my eyes and appearing relaxed and happy and just being herself. It felt like a genuine mom-and-baby interaction for a sustained period, not just for a moment here and there.
I'm not glad we spent our day in the ER (no RSV or pneumonia, just a virus, which I suspected because she had no fever and seemed happy despite the congestion and cough, but when you've only known a 23 month old for a few months and have no idea how well they recover from illness, it seemed wise to be on the safe side--but, again, a foster care factor I just didn't know about before, that I'd feel so overly cautious that I'd take them to the ER for things I wouldn't even take my bio kids to the doctor for) but I am so glad for the opportunity to see such a shift in her behavior.
Maybe, just maybe, the girls really are going to be able to bond healthily with us. Maybe they see us as safe, trustworthy people who will love and care for them. Given their past, it seems a lot to ask but moments like these give me hope!
First, I've noticed that Jane becomes constipated any time she experiences interpersonal, relational stress. She would withhold bowel movements after every family visit, for example. So, it was no surprise to me that she quit having BMs about three days before we left on our trip when I first showed her the calendar I'd made showing when we'd leave and when we'd return. And, my mom reported that she had to resort to feeding prunes to help Jane go while we were gone.
The first day we got back Jane was happy to see us with pretty typical 3-yr-old behaviors. Then, the second day she sought me out and began talking. We'd already done a script about care-giving with meals used to convey love and care the day before. Now, on the second day, it became more nuanced. She talked about her feelings. She said words like, "sad", "happy", "missed you", "every day" to convey how she felt during the whole time. I used the same words to convey that I didn't want to leave her and felt bad that she was sad when I was gone. At the end she also focused on our return and that I leave each weekday for work but then I always come back.
We talked for a solid 15 minutes, going back and repeating things often to add more detail. It seemed important to her that a) we each equally missed each other and that, b) our absence was not a casual thing to be ignored, and c) an absence like this was out of routine and wouldn't be soon repeated.
Our conversation ended and then a few moments later Jane said, sounding surprised, "I have to poop!" And sure enough she did...a huge amount.
I am reminded that, while in Western culture the emotions are seated in the heart, in other cultures they are seated in the belly.
Second, today I had to take Kate to the emergency room. There's a huge snafu surrounding her Medicaid card, our regular doctor, urgent care sites, etc. So, when she had such a nasty cough and raspy breathing last night that she couldn't sleep I took her to the hospital this morning.
Standing in line to check in a man behind us tried to talk to her. For the very first time, EVER, she raised her arms to me, said, "mama, hold me!" and then, when I picked her up she buried her face in my neck and hid from the man. It was amazing! I've never seen her afraid of strangers before.
This continued all day. Every time anyone came close she demanded to be held and tried to hide in my arms. While I had to let medical personnel do their thing I made sure to always stay in physical contact with her and to swoop her back into my arms the moment they were done.
Inbetween medical stuff I rocked her and sang to her and did finger plays and generally played with her nonstop for about 4 hours. And she was so happy! Looking into my eyes and appearing relaxed and happy and just being herself. It felt like a genuine mom-and-baby interaction for a sustained period, not just for a moment here and there.
I'm not glad we spent our day in the ER (no RSV or pneumonia, just a virus, which I suspected because she had no fever and seemed happy despite the congestion and cough, but when you've only known a 23 month old for a few months and have no idea how well they recover from illness, it seemed wise to be on the safe side--but, again, a foster care factor I just didn't know about before, that I'd feel so overly cautious that I'd take them to the ER for things I wouldn't even take my bio kids to the doctor for) but I am so glad for the opportunity to see such a shift in her behavior.
Maybe, just maybe, the girls really are going to be able to bond healthily with us. Maybe they see us as safe, trustworthy people who will love and care for them. Given their past, it seems a lot to ask but moments like these give me hope!
Comments
Post a Comment