Foster Further

This morning I had to go to the middle school to pick up items from Gus's locker. The school had cleaned out every child's locker and parents were asked to do a pickup while they returned other items such as band uniforms. Parents were instructed to stay in their cars, make a sign with their kids' name and tape it to the window, roll down windows to exchange but don't make contact, etc. Very well organized. I fought tears the whole time. Everything outside of the house makes me cry these days. All these safety protocols in the grocery store. They set off this urge to wail like a frightened child. Of course I don't. I don't show a single reaction whatsoever--but deep inside I'm totally panicked. So, seeing the school principal and secretary (6 years of kids in this building and I know them well) in masks and gloves and I just wanted to break down and weep. It's so scary and real in ways that a media website's charts and graphics just can't be. ...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

It's 2:15 and I've already run through the full gamut of daily experiences with Jane so I thought I'd use these, while they're fresh in my mind, to highlight what it's like to live with this particular child. Annoying Behavior She Knows Not To Do 7am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I go downstairs?" I say yes. (This happens every morning and is a nut I cannot crack. We used to have her stay and play in her room when she awoke but now she wakes up Kate. Then I let her go downstairs without asking but then I discovered she was waking up super early for the delight of getting into mischief unsupervised downstairs. Now if she wakes me then at least I can either send her back to sleep if it's too early or roll out of bed soon after her.) This morning Theo was already downstairs so I told her to go and stayed in bed to try to sleep some more.  7:30am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I feed the cats?" Now I'm pissed. I...

When I look at the whole journey I can see that things are getting better. Our family is settling into the new normal of five kids, including three toddlers. I'm settling into managing the household demands of groceries, meals, laundry, baths, bedtimes, etc. Theo and I have figured out that I need way more support than ever before and how to provide that. The big boys have carved out their zones and we are intentional about preserving their interests and identities. The girls are truly becoming less anxious and more at home here every day. So many behaviors have come and gone. The negative behaviors that remain are less severe. Progress has been slow but it has also been steady. Kate has completely attached. At our family visit two days ago she cried when I walked away to buckle James into his carseat first and didn't want to stay with Grandma, as I'd intended. She calls me mama and acts towards me exactly as my bio children did when they were her age. I feel like she...

We are on vacation. Half-way in and this may be the best family vacation we've ever had. Because everyone is just too tired to care. We're grateful for anything. Even sitting in a sterile hotel room all day long; even walking around a mediocre historical site on a cold, rainy day; even touring an upholstery museum is better than being home neck-deep in foster care land. This feels like those days after a newborn arrives and you're grateful just for a shower...except the whole family is in the midst of this emotional exhaustion, not just the mom.  We left the girls at our house with my mom. They've met her twice before and adore anyone called, "grandma" since their grandmothers have spoiled them rotten. I don't think they even cared that we left. (I know they didn't care. I made a calendar with visuals and talked about our trip for three days leading up to it. No reaction. No interest. These girls have lived in chaos for too long to expect anything ...

Dear God I'm tired. Weary. In body and soul. Stress at work. And not the expected kind of stress I know how to cope with. This is the petty colleague, asinine administrator kind of stress that makes us wonder why we even bother. I stood at my kitchen sink drinking my coffee this morning and got a migraine just thinking about my day. Then, after work, had to rush home for a meeting with our licensing social worker. It's been six months since we were first licensed and this was the first renewal. Really important stuff like writing out our fire escape plan...again. Because it might have changed in six months? Still the same house, actually. Haven't removed any exits. Also needed copies of all our monthly bills and proof of our income. Even though we haven't had a change in employment or purchased our dream vacation home. Not getting that rich off the foster system yet. Same old numbers you saw six months ago. Why don't forms start with the assumption that we a...