Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session.
The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now.
Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already!
Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kate outside on a cold, rainy fall day when Kate was wearing nothing but a shirt and underwear, to jump on the trampoline. I found her blue and shivering out there after searching all over the house. There's something about Jane harming the other children that absolutely triggers me. Suffice it to say I wasn't patient or calm at any point for the next five hours while Jane continued to wrack up one punishment after another, though I was disturbingly creative in ways that deeply bother me today.
(Aside: why, why, why did Kate go outside and stay outside with Jane? Kate is capable of opening/closing the back door. She could've come back in at any time. What sick, symbiotic relationship do these girls have?)
By the time Theo got home at 6pm I was in a really bad place. For only the second time this year I just took the keys and walked out of the house, telling him I didn't know when I was coming back.
Theo and I had a good talk when I came back and made some new plans for helping me to cope, including finding a new therapist whom the whole family can go to.
This morning I took each child aside and apologized sincerely and specifically for everything I did while angry yesterday. I don't know that it really helped but at the least I'm modeling how to apologize. Today felt...bruised. Like we were tip toeing around each other. Sad and hesitant to trust. I feel like shit for allowing myself to get so out of control yesterday.
Today was busy with preschool, dance class for Jane, and then a band concert that both the older boys were performing in. We decided to take all three of the little kids to the concert, which makes this one of the few times our whole family has gone anywhere all together other than to church. It's a handful to manage all three toddlers in a space where you want them to be quiet, long past their bedtime. But they really did a pretty good job overall.
And there were even two sweet moments. The concert was in the high school gym and we were seated high up in the bleachers. Jane was sitting beside me when the big high school marching band paraded in in full uniform, with the color guard swirling their flags. Her eyes got big and she went totally still taking it all in. After two numbers she whispered in my ear, "I wish I could do that!"
I said, "You can. When you get big like Seth and Gus you can do the same things they're doing."
She turned to me and gave me the most delighted smile. Genuine joy. Then she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me and watched the rest of the performance with rapt attention.
After the next number there was a pause while they changed drum majors and moved the drum line into position and rotated the band to face our direction. Kate was sitting on my other side. Suddenly she jumped to her feet, pointed emphatically, and shouted, "Dere's Seth! I see him! Dat one, dat one!"
All around us parents chuckled at her little baby voice, so excited over spotting her big brother. It was so sweet.
After the concert we ran into a work colleague of Theo's we've known since Seth was a 1 yr old. I thought we run into them pretty regularly but I guess it'd been awhile since last time we saw them. I'm holding Kate as the wife walks up and she says, "Niece?" I say, "No, daughter." She about falls over in shock just at one addition to our family and then can't speak when I point out Jane, too.
Turns out Theo totally forgot to mention to her husband whom he sees regularly at work that we were doing foster care or adoption.
In some ways I'm not even surprised (Theo is not real chatty about his personal life at work). And it almost seems as if we've been in his hidden, tentative, unsure place where it just didn't feel real safe to talk about adding to our family. Too complicated, uncertain, fraught.
Today at Jane's dance class one of the other dance moms started to chat with me. And I just didn't want to talk. I didn't want to have to share one thing about Jane. I remembered at the beginning when she'd only been with us a month and I signed her up for a dance class and I was so excited to dress her up and take her and I spilled every detail to the dance moms. I was so gleeful and enthralled. Now I'm weary and guarded. I don't want to say the words 'foster' or 'adoption' out loud anymore. I don't want to manage their reactions. I don't want to field their questions.
I want to keep my bruised heart and recovering family in a careful, quiet, padded, private place while we heal. While we figure out who we are and how we function as a family.
The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now.
Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already!
Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kate outside on a cold, rainy fall day when Kate was wearing nothing but a shirt and underwear, to jump on the trampoline. I found her blue and shivering out there after searching all over the house. There's something about Jane harming the other children that absolutely triggers me. Suffice it to say I wasn't patient or calm at any point for the next five hours while Jane continued to wrack up one punishment after another, though I was disturbingly creative in ways that deeply bother me today.
(Aside: why, why, why did Kate go outside and stay outside with Jane? Kate is capable of opening/closing the back door. She could've come back in at any time. What sick, symbiotic relationship do these girls have?)
By the time Theo got home at 6pm I was in a really bad place. For only the second time this year I just took the keys and walked out of the house, telling him I didn't know when I was coming back.
Theo and I had a good talk when I came back and made some new plans for helping me to cope, including finding a new therapist whom the whole family can go to.
This morning I took each child aside and apologized sincerely and specifically for everything I did while angry yesterday. I don't know that it really helped but at the least I'm modeling how to apologize. Today felt...bruised. Like we were tip toeing around each other. Sad and hesitant to trust. I feel like shit for allowing myself to get so out of control yesterday.
Today was busy with preschool, dance class for Jane, and then a band concert that both the older boys were performing in. We decided to take all three of the little kids to the concert, which makes this one of the few times our whole family has gone anywhere all together other than to church. It's a handful to manage all three toddlers in a space where you want them to be quiet, long past their bedtime. But they really did a pretty good job overall.
And there were even two sweet moments. The concert was in the high school gym and we were seated high up in the bleachers. Jane was sitting beside me when the big high school marching band paraded in in full uniform, with the color guard swirling their flags. Her eyes got big and she went totally still taking it all in. After two numbers she whispered in my ear, "I wish I could do that!"
I said, "You can. When you get big like Seth and Gus you can do the same things they're doing."
She turned to me and gave me the most delighted smile. Genuine joy. Then she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me and watched the rest of the performance with rapt attention.
After the next number there was a pause while they changed drum majors and moved the drum line into position and rotated the band to face our direction. Kate was sitting on my other side. Suddenly she jumped to her feet, pointed emphatically, and shouted, "Dere's Seth! I see him! Dat one, dat one!"
All around us parents chuckled at her little baby voice, so excited over spotting her big brother. It was so sweet.
After the concert we ran into a work colleague of Theo's we've known since Seth was a 1 yr old. I thought we run into them pretty regularly but I guess it'd been awhile since last time we saw them. I'm holding Kate as the wife walks up and she says, "Niece?" I say, "No, daughter." She about falls over in shock just at one addition to our family and then can't speak when I point out Jane, too.
Turns out Theo totally forgot to mention to her husband whom he sees regularly at work that we were doing foster care or adoption.
In some ways I'm not even surprised (Theo is not real chatty about his personal life at work). And it almost seems as if we've been in his hidden, tentative, unsure place where it just didn't feel real safe to talk about adding to our family. Too complicated, uncertain, fraught.
Today at Jane's dance class one of the other dance moms started to chat with me. And I just didn't want to talk. I didn't want to have to share one thing about Jane. I remembered at the beginning when she'd only been with us a month and I signed her up for a dance class and I was so excited to dress her up and take her and I spilled every detail to the dance moms. I was so gleeful and enthralled. Now I'm weary and guarded. I don't want to say the words 'foster' or 'adoption' out loud anymore. I don't want to manage their reactions. I don't want to field their questions.
I want to keep my bruised heart and recovering family in a careful, quiet, padded, private place while we heal. While we figure out who we are and how we function as a family.
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