Foster Further

 Yesterday was the 33rd anniversary of my father's death. Every year I do the math, and then do the math again, because it does not seem possible that he's been gone so long. For several years now I've been a wife and mother for more years than I was his daughter.  And yet, of course, I have always, and will always be, his daughter. His identity as my father, and my identity as his daughter, didn't stop just because he died. A relationship may not be possible but there is always the fact of identity.  (You see where I'm going as regards adoption, right?) So what does a daughter of a dead father do when Father's Day falls on the 33rd anniversary of his death? Spend it being quite annoyed, actually. All last week as yesterday loomed I became more and more irritated.  Each year differs slightly but generally I move through a host of moods. Some years I truly forget it and am surprised when I realize it has passed by. Other years I spend days deeply anxious about my...

 Both girls have resumed peeing their pants this week. Kate has done it 1-2 times a day for the last few days (except not when gone all day to church with dad and the sibs while I stayed home, reinforcing that all children save their worst for the mother, thanks so much darling). Jane did it today. Jane peed her pants while sitting in our dining room 10 feet from a bathroom. Why? Because she didn't want to stop eating.  Pretty sure she's lying. Pretty sure she actually did it while outside playing because she didn't want to come in and she only noticed it when she came in to eat.  Pretty sure it doesn't matter when she did it. The point is that this girl, about to turn 6 in three months still doesn't have control of her body and/or acts out with poop and pee and/or copes with all strong emotions by losing awareness of her body and/or _____ fill in the blank with any theory possible but who the hell knows why she does it.  The one obvious thing is that they experienc...

This morning I had to go to the middle school to pick up items from Gus's locker. The school had cleaned out every child's locker and parents were asked to do a pickup while they returned other items such as band uniforms. Parents were instructed to stay in their cars, make a sign with their kids' name and tape it to the window, roll down windows to exchange but don't make contact, etc. Very well organized. I fought tears the whole time. Everything outside of the house makes me cry these days. All these safety protocols in the grocery store. They set off this urge to wail like a frightened child. Of course I don't. I don't show a single reaction whatsoever--but deep inside I'm totally panicked. So, seeing the school principal and secretary (6 years of kids in this building and I know them well) in masks and gloves and I just wanted to break down and weep. It's so scary and real in ways that a media website's charts and graphics just can't be. ...

Today Theo and I went to the adoption agency to sign a bunch of paperwork, write some checks, and receive the super secret documentation about why the girls were removed from their birth home that we'd been asking to see for months but were told would only be made available to us at this stage in the adoption process. There was no new super secret information. We already knew it all. I guess our first foster care social worker was a total blabbermouth who told us stuff we weren't supposed to know. Plus, I'd sat in on the termination of parental rights hearing where, I recognized from the awkward legalese of the reports I read today, this stuff had all been read aloud by the judge to all assembled there in the courtroom. Let's think about that--I had access to deeply private stuff as a random member of the public that I, as a foster and potentially adoptive parent, did NOT have until a year after the girls were placed with us. Our system is seriously screwed up. I ...

I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details. This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate). I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk. I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'...

Not gonna lie. The girls saying they didn't love me and didn't want to live here hurt like hell. Especially coming just one day after Kate's sweet moment of saying she loved and wanted, "dis one". I couldn't sleep that night until I reminded myself that it's actions, not words, when dealing with kids. Especially the littles. So I took note of how many times today Kate ran up and wrapped her arms around my leg and gave it a hug...just because. Twelve random moments when she needed to make contact and then happily ran off, comforted. I took note of how many times Jane called me "mama" in casual conversation because it's a big deal that a word that girl refused to use for months has now become something she uses un-selfconsciously. I made myself sit and smile back each time they looked me in the face and grinned for one of those simple, no-big-deal reasons. I slowed down to enjoy each cute and funny thing they did. Let myself be mesmer...

After our bonding session at the cottage a few weeks ago I gave Grandma our last name and address. Seven months of getting to know her. Building trust. Her convincing us she came unattached, without her son's presence in the girls' lives. It, truly, felt like jumping off a cliff. Knowledge given can not be taken away. But Theo convinced me that it was in the girls' best interest to make Grandma a true member of the family. And obviously she has to be able to come to our house in order to be that. I'm a multi-tasker. I figured out that if she came over Labor Day weekend, when we do our annual scramble to finish up yard and house jobs that'd been neglected all summer, then she could take the girls to the park to get them out of our hair while we worked. And she'd get her very first alone time with them. Win-win. But, ugh, so much trust. I keep failing to anticipate how much emotional work will have to go into every event. I waited to tell the girls till ...

My closest childhood friend died last month at age 44. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I delivered the eulogy at her funeral. A beautiful life only half-lived. The kind of friendship so deep we could imitate each other's mother's voices and had never kept a single secret from each other because there wasn't anything the other one didn't know already. I am feeling everything extra hard right now. I feel tender and raw. I feel like grief grabs me out of the blue and sends me on a roller coaster of emotion at the slightest provocation. And so I recognized the depths of grief that washed over Jane today. There's a certain stretch of road we often drive that has flowers planted by the sidewalk that trigger a memory for Jane. Often, as we pass them, she'll suddenly exclaim, "Mama Leah has flowers like that at her house!" Today, she saw them and then just utterly fell apart. It all came out in an incoherent rush. I miss her. I want her. I want to ...

It's been awhile since I last posted. After I wrote the previous post where I grouped Jane's behaviors into weeks/months where we saw A and then weeks/months were we observed B, I went downstairs and started talking to Theo about this idea of A/B behaviors. The words, "it's like she's switching personalities..." were coming out of my mouth when I just stopped...horrified, frozen, tearful. Dear God. Her mother is bi-polar. Is it possible for a child to show traits of a mental illness this young? I know the medical community won't diagnose this young. What does this mean if it's already here? That moment pretty much sunk me. I went into a depression stronger than anything I've ever experienced before. So much fear. So much grief. Then...all the irrational responses: anger, distancing myself from her, resenting her for all the dark and nasty impulses this fear awakened in me. There were several days of doing nothing--frozen in the nonstop ...

I got a phone call that my grandmother is not doing well. She's been moved into a home and likely will not live much longer. She says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up. She just turned 96. My grandpa died 15 years ago. She's had a long life and is ready. I told Seth and Gus and they are upset. Gus, especially, was close to her and loved our annual visit to see grandma. But the younger three do not know her. James last saw her at age 2 and the girls have never met her. We're going up next weekend to visit and, I imagine, most likely say good-bye. I'm wrestling with what to say to her. I've sent her letters and pictures of the girls. I think she's fairly aware but at this stage in her life she can't possibly really care that I've brought two more great-grandchildren into her life. I'm not even sure, at this point, how many great-grandchildren and even great-great-grandchildren she already has. (My dad was one of seven kids.) So, I n...

Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long. Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat. And it all worked! Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved! Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to f...

This week there are two big events that I've been dreading for weeks. And I am ridiculously stressed--a level of grumpiness and depression that is so bad I barely recognize myself. I can't remember ever having such a strong reaction to any major life event before. I am just plain exhausted. And that's just due to the anticipation. Nothing has actually happened. Tomorrow, Thursday, is the trial to determine if parental rights will be terminated for both bio mom and dad. CPS has filed to have dad's rights to all his children terminated, not just the two girls we have. (He has six kids by three women; not married to any of them. The kids are about ages 10 to 2. Our two are the youngest.) The rationale for removing mom's rights is that while she wasn't a direct actor she also did not protect them from harm that she was either directly aware of or had cause to believe could happen. She has an older son, 12, by another man, whom she lost rights to many years ago, ...