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Grief and then...Acceptance? Avoidance? Planning?

It's been awhile since I last posted. After I wrote the previous post where I grouped Jane's behaviors into weeks/months where we saw A and then weeks/months were we observed B, I went downstairs and started talking to Theo about this idea of A/B behaviors.

The words, "it's like she's switching personalities..." were coming out of my mouth when I just stopped...horrified, frozen, tearful.

Dear God.

Her mother is bi-polar.

Is it possible for a child to show traits of a mental illness this young? I know the medical community won't diagnose this young. What does this mean if it's already here?

That moment pretty much sunk me. I went into a depression stronger than anything I've ever experienced before. So much fear. So much grief. Then...all the irrational responses: anger, distancing myself from her, resenting her for all the dark and nasty impulses this fear awakened in me.

There were several days of doing nothing--frozen in the nonstop mental loop of horror. And telling all my worst fears to Theo.

Then several days of talking to friends, via phone call or in person, as well as the girls' therapist (I made an appt just for myself). And a 4-hour dinner with good friends of ours, who have experience in both the special education and mental health fields, so they could talk to Theo and let him hear the worst-case scenarios from someone other than me.

Then reading books (and napping from the fatigue of taking into my soul the reality of trauma coldly spelled out in black and white).

And now writing.

After some planning. I'm a planner. Charts and timelines and To Do lists are my friends. So, here's the new plan regarding adoption. We have asked to postpone the finalization by about 6 months. We used the possibilities of a seizure as our excuse. (Didn't mention mental illness because there's no point--the therapist confirmed that no doc will give a diagnosis this young.)

There's a conference call scheduled for next Monday with us and all the social workers and the girls' Guardian ad Litem to discuss this.  I'm a bit nervous. I know these bureaucrats only care about their paperwork and there's probably some penalty for not finalizing adoption cases. I'm afraid they'll threaten to remove the girls to a home that will adopt them immediately. I'm glad the GAL will be on the call. When I mentioned the seizures and hence the postponement he responded that of course that was completely reasonable and a good idea on our part.

What the bureaucrats don't know yet is that Theo and I have decided that this delay may be permanent for Jane. We may ask that she remain a foster child, a ward of the court until 18, while living in our home as our daughter. Because there are too many horror stories of people who adopt and then their insurance won't cover the mental health costs: meds, therapies, in-patient stays, residential treatment facilities. So those people have to choose between going bankrupt or living as hostages in their home with a crazy person.

Yes, I just said crazy. I'm still freaked out about all of this. Yes, I knew they'd come with issues but I never dreamed we'd see it this young. Because in my experience seeing it this young is a sign that she will develop the very worst forms of the illness.

Most of my years a special ed teacher were spent working with behavior-disordered elementary aged kids. I know what I'm talking about. Pediatric-onset mental illness absolutely destroys families.

I can calm the panic thrumming in my chest if I tell myself that the plan is to adopt Kate, but not Jane, yet tell both girls they are adopted and have them use our last name. I'd like Jane to never know she wasn't adopted at the same time as Kate. Ideally, sometime in her teen years we'll see that she's stabilized and we'll quietly finalize the paperwork before she ages out.

But there's an escape hatch if "ideally" doesn't happen. There's the option to place her in a state run residential treatment facility if she becomes too dangerous to keep in our home.

Meanwhile, hopefully the state would leave us alone if we adopt Kate and allow us to keep Jane here for the sake of keeping siblings together.

And hopefully we'll be able to avoid the horrific choice some families face where they must disrupt an adoption in order to get their child help.

If we had a perfect health care system in this country I wouldn't even be thinking this way. This is only about health care costs and draconian insurance companies.

Because I could be wrong. Completely absolutely seeing something that isn't even slightly there. She's 3 years old! It's crazy to say she's crazy, right?

Except her therapist confirmed that I wasn't crazy. She affirmed that she also had seen some things with the saddest face I've ever seen on a professional.

Which made me want to cry. This was the time I really, really wanted to be wrong.

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