Foster Further

This month Kate is 3 years, 2 months old. She is the exact age that Jane was when the girls came. Kate was 20 months old when she came. She is now 38 months old. July will mark the turning point where she will have lived half of her lifetime as a member of our family. From July 30th onward she'll be more ours than not. Jane won't hit that kind of milestone until she is 6 years, 4 months old so...January 30, 2022. Wow. That is so incredibly far away. And what a clear illustration of how many more years of unhealthy living Jane experienced and thus, why she has been much more effected. But, after the growth of these last few weeks, I feel like we have sped up her transition to healthy living exponentially. (Horray!) These milestones don't really matter to the girls, or anyone else in the family for that matter, but they feel really significant to me. Marking the girls movement from their old life to their new life. Perhaps because it is springtime and there is new life blosso

...an organized mind. Planning, finding patterns, predicting outcomes, maintaining focus long enough to follow through creatively--I am suddenly seeing mental skills I've never observed in Jane before. This week Jane began lining up her dolls when playing with them. She played school with them for the very first time in her life, ever.  In the sandbox area Jane has begun putting on tea parties. Each container (all identically holding mud, but some decorated with leaves while others have stones or twigs) is a different food. There are even condiments such as salt and paper and sprinkles. She does an elaborate explanation for me while inviting me to sit down and partake. It's so earnest and intentional and creative and REAL to her. She's enthralled. She began writing "storybooks" which consist of multiple pages with pictures and scribbled lines that she tells me are the words of her story. She tells me what she plans to write before she makes a book. Her stories hav

Jane was super cuddly today. The weather turned hot and we don't yet have the window AC units in so bedrooms were too warm last night and nobody slept well. Today was a lethargic day. I was quite busy with work and dr appts so didn't really have time for Jane till evening. At bedtime we had fans set up in windows and she and I were sprawled on her bed talking and enjoying the breeze, when Jane began to talk about Leah, her first mother, as we call her. Her speech is all over the place. Sometimes she uses pronouns "we" and "you" to differentiate between Leah's house and our house. For example, she said, "we have only two cartoons: Robot GoBot and Paw Patrol but you have lots and lots of cartoons." That present tense 'we have' cut me to the quick. But then in her next sentence she says she loves me most and Leah "only a little" because Leah was "mean" and "didn't feed us a lot, she fed us sometimes but n

It's been months since I looked at the FB profiles of the girls' birth family members. It just isn't a good thing for me to do. Takes me to a sad, dark place full of loathing and fear because these people all live in this area. They all get new FB profiles constantly, there are 3 or 4 per person. Which, if I can find them that easily, what is the point of starting a new one? If you friend all the same people and make that public then it's pretty darn easy for anyone you're hiding from to still find you. And no, spelling your name a new way isn't actually a cover. Anyway, I found a profile for their birth mother that I hadn't seen previously. Looks like she just created it recently. In it was a cute picture of baby Kate at about 3 months old. I wanted the picture so I copied the image and then saved it in a file. I'm sure that when the girls are grown they're going to wonder what they looked like as infants. This seemed like an innocuous and nice

Today I was snuggling Kate at a random moment during the day. She asks me to hold her at least 5-10 times per day. It's usually for just a few minutes. Sometimes I feel like a human heater--that she just needs a moment to warm up before dashing off pell mell. Or maybe a human charger--she needs to re-energize? So, this morning I was holding her and something she said led me to, out of the blue, ask her if she wanted to see Grandma. She said no. We talked a bit more and she was sad but clear in her thoughts. When I asked her why she didn't want to see Grandma anymore she said, "Because I want to always stay here with you." Which, from a 3 yr old, is about the clearest definition of bonding I can think of. Now, of course I take all this with a grain of salt. She's only 3 and has a personality that's prone to please. She can be easily swayed to say absolutely anything. And, she could change her mind tomorrow. If Grandma pulled up in her car and said, "wa

This morning I had to go to the middle school to pick up items from Gus's locker. The school had cleaned out every child's locker and parents were asked to do a pickup while they returned other items such as band uniforms. Parents were instructed to stay in their cars, make a sign with their kids' name and tape it to the window, roll down windows to exchange but don't make contact, etc. Very well organized. I fought tears the whole time. Everything outside of the house makes me cry these days. All these safety protocols in the grocery store. They set off this urge to wail like a frightened child. Of course I don't. I don't show a single reaction whatsoever--but deep inside I'm totally panicked. So, seeing the school principal and secretary (6 years of kids in this building and I know them well) in masks and gloves and I just wanted to break down and weep. It's so scary and real in ways that a media website's charts and graphics just can't be.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we

Jane has a new phrase. She says, "You're my favorite mama!" while hugging me tight. Always aware of her jealousy issues it took me a moment to think of the right response that wouldn't set her up in comparison to her siblings, but then I responded, "And you're my favorite Jane!" She loves it. Tonight she was sitting on my lap--really, sprawling across me as I watched TV--when she said it. After my line she sprang up, turned to face me, and retold the story of her adoption. She does this every few weeks, it always takes me by surprise because it seems to always come out of nowhere, but I make sure I pay attention and acknowledge her story. I've also started correcting a few inaccuracies that creep in due to her young age and lack of ability to understand. Tonight's version was very simple. She said, (some paraphrasing here on my part), "My other mom misses me. I used to live at my other mom's house but then I came here and you borrowe

Spring is really here. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, my children are outside playing in the dirt every second of the day. I'm getting yard projects crossed off my list, we're having fires outside just because we don't want to come back in the house. Everyone is going to bed with sore muscles and clear minds. And Jane, like a shy flower, is blossoming at last! A few weeks ago she began earnestly "helping" around the house. It's only things that a 4-yr-old can do but she does it all on her own without prompting and is so deeply proud of herself that it's absolutely endearing. I hug her and kiss the top of her head and thank her genuinely. She beams. It's lovely. I love it when she has her own idea instead of copying someone else. I love it when she focuses and completes a task. I love having something to genuinely praise her for. The day she organized all the shoes on the porch into neat pairs nearly made me cry with happiness--finally, a