Perspective

This month Kate is 3 years, 2 months old. She is the exact age that Jane was when the girls came.

Kate was 20 months old when she came. She is now 38 months old. July will mark the turning point where she will have lived half of her lifetime as a member of our family. From July 30th onward she'll be more ours than not.

Jane won't hit that kind of milestone until she is 6 years, 4 months old so...January 30, 2022. Wow. That is so incredibly far away. And what a clear illustration of how many more years of unhealthy living Jane experienced and thus, why she has been much more effected. But, after the growth of these last few weeks, I feel like we have sped up her transition to healthy living exponentially. (Horray!)

These milestones don't really matter to the girls, or anyone else in the family for that matter, but they feel really significant to me. Marking the girls movement from their old life to their new life. Perhaps because it is springtime and there is new life blossoming everywhere I am seeing everything the girls do as a sign that they, like a butterfly from the chrysalis, are shedding an uncomfortable, cramped world for an open, beautiful world where they can fly.

Mainly, though, I look at Kate and realize how young poor Jane really was when she came to us. She seemed so much older because she had this big vocabulary and these too-mature-for-her-age expressions. She'd been forced to grow up too fast in her neglected home. No wonder she had to regress after she came here.

Also, as a further matter of perspective, wow, age three is the WORST! It's not the terrible twos, it's the horrific threes. Kate is doing her bratty best to try my patience or test her own health with risky maneuvers. (She and James were like the dynamic duo today, partners in crime conspiring to push around lawn furniture and climb fences and drown themselves with the hose.)

But, now, because I know Kate, as exasperating as her behaviors were--reverting to pooping her pants just because she was too determined to keep on playing and not stop for a potty break, really??--I knew they were typical 3 yo behaviors and they didn't freak me out. Poor Jane, navigating both being a 3 yo while moving to a new home, and learning the concept of rules and consequences for the very first time in her life...no wonder we had an incredibly rocky start made worse by me interpreting every one of her behaviors as signs of future catastrophe.

For example, yesterday was the second day, and third time, that Kate pooped her pants so I spanked her. Just one swat but it was serious. She sobbed and then said, "I need a hug!" So of course I held her and rocked her and explained that I don't want to spank but when she's very naughty on purpose then she does get a spanking and that's just a rule in our house. In the end it was a bonding experience (and one reason why I'll always support spanking, because an intense physical experience between parent and child is meaningful and important and truly an opportunity to show deep love and caring).

Contrast that with Jane at that age. She did weird pooping stuff but never, ever reacted to any punishment I gave her. She would go stone cold silent--probably totally disassociating from the moment completely. We never had any resolution. I'd freak out, she'd tune out, and then life would just go on until she repeated the behavior again. She seemed so unmoved by any consequence I could give her that it felt like her pooping was intentional. (And maybe it was for reasons with attention-seeking and control?) I'll never fully understand and that makes me sad. I wish that somehow I could go back in time and be the mother who truly knew and understood her and was capable of parenting her so much better.

But for now I look at Kate and hear her talk about her memories and know she has hardly any concept of a life outside our family. She is so thoroughly bonded to us and a confident member of our family. It's a beautiful thing. Just 18 months separate the girls ages but, for Kate, it might as well be a whole lifetime.