For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family.
At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call.
Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to.
So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we wouldn't do any more video calls with Grandma. I'd begun getting more frequent texts and emails from Grandma asking for another one and I knew she deserved an answer.
Today I emailed Aunt and Grandma and, after mostly focusing on how well the girls are doing, I said that Jane specifically said the calls make her sad that she can see people but not actually be with them so she'd asked not to do them anymore. I put a lot of words into a little girls mouth that she never said. So, yes, I lied. But I didn't lie about what I've seen from her behavior. She doesn't want to do the calls.
Except I don't think she doesn't want to do the calls because it makes her sad, I think she just doesn't want to cope with the complicated feelings of thinking about her past. I think she's wanting to solely bond with us and part of that process is putting her past in the past.
But saying the calls made her sad was the simpler lie. And, ironically, since Grandma actively and forcefully avoids every single thing she can't cope with, I believe it'll actually be quite palatable to her. This is the woman who wouldn't come to her own son's court hearing and wouldn't watch videos of possible seizures by Jane because they were "too hard" to watch. So, heck, how can she fault me for enabling Jane's avoidance of an unhappy thing?
In the end I hope this lie will give Jane the space she needs, while preserving her relationship with her Grandma, by not flat out saying that Jane doesn't want to see her. What a weird, weird silver lining to this shelter in place order.
At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call.
Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to.
So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we wouldn't do any more video calls with Grandma. I'd begun getting more frequent texts and emails from Grandma asking for another one and I knew she deserved an answer.
Today I emailed Aunt and Grandma and, after mostly focusing on how well the girls are doing, I said that Jane specifically said the calls make her sad that she can see people but not actually be with them so she'd asked not to do them anymore. I put a lot of words into a little girls mouth that she never said. So, yes, I lied. But I didn't lie about what I've seen from her behavior. She doesn't want to do the calls.
Except I don't think she doesn't want to do the calls because it makes her sad, I think she just doesn't want to cope with the complicated feelings of thinking about her past. I think she's wanting to solely bond with us and part of that process is putting her past in the past.
But saying the calls made her sad was the simpler lie. And, ironically, since Grandma actively and forcefully avoids every single thing she can't cope with, I believe it'll actually be quite palatable to her. This is the woman who wouldn't come to her own son's court hearing and wouldn't watch videos of possible seizures by Jane because they were "too hard" to watch. So, heck, how can she fault me for enabling Jane's avoidance of an unhappy thing?
In the end I hope this lie will give Jane the space she needs, while preserving her relationship with her Grandma, by not flat out saying that Jane doesn't want to see her. What a weird, weird silver lining to this shelter in place order.
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