Foster Further

Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long. Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat. And it all worked! Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved! Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to f

The utterly inept 22-yr-old adoption caseworker hired in February, trained in March and independently on the job in May, just emailed that she'd accidentally given me the wrong fingerprinting forms when she was here. We already did the fingerprinting! Theo left work early. I arranged childcare. It's a hassle as the fingerprinting place is not close. And we already got it done because I'm determined to hand her a completed packet at her next visit on June 3rd in order to get us through this ridiculous process as quickly as possible. I responded that we will be discussing this at her next visit, which will be attended by her supervisor. (Subsequent to a lengthy email and phone call I had with her supervisor after her initial visit, all visits will now include her supervisor in a coaching capacity. She also must now submit an emailed update to both her supervisor and me every two weeks for review.) Here's the thing. Paperwork is all she does. All social workers since

I taught the girls to say ouch. When they first came to me their hair was a mess. Snarls, mismatched lengths where sections had been hacked off, thin and coarse hair that tangled in every hair clip I tried, etc. Due to a healthy diet and daily vitamins, as well as good hair products and regular brushing, their hair is now sleek and glossy. Jane has a cute haircut. Kate's hair is growing longer every day and curling into ringlets that bounce. I was so afraid of hurting them when they first came! I have naturally curly hair and my mother's is stick straight. She never understood how much it hurt when she pulled the brush straight through. I haven't let her touch my head since I could do my first clumsy pony tail. (At first, I held their hair so loosely while trying to do it that every single pony tail fell out minutes after going in. Looking back I feel like those people who don't know how to put a diaper on and it falls off when they lift the baby up!)  But eve

About a month ago the girls went with aunt, in her car, to spend time at her house for the family visit. I had suggested and arranged it. It was a terrible mistake. Immediately afterward Jane began having nightmares, returned to stuttering, and in general showed heightened anxiety. The aftermath with the adults has been equally hard. We finally got a therapist and after I described events to her she said that being in the car triggered memories of their unstable life where adults dropped them off at a new home every few days. I've had to explain this to grandma and aunt and ask for a return to shorter visits where we transport and remain present throughout. The curt and/or fearful emails I've gotten in response have not been easy to cope with. They think I'm saying that being with them is bad for the kids and eventually, once the adoption is finalized, I'll stop the visits altogether. I absolutely do not believe that...but can you blame them? Of course they have t

This is the email I just got from our Adoption social worker: Listed are the items I need from you, -           Fingerprinting -           Local clearance form for you -           Alternate caregiver form -           Family assessment questionnaire -           Utility bill -           Verification of income -           Your health insurance card -           Car payment statement -           Car insurance statements -           Mortgage/rent statement -           Behaviors Checklist -           Birth Certificates for (husband) & you -           Social Security Card (copy/picture) for both (husband) & you -           Health Information Sheet for both (husband) & you -           Health Insurance Info Sheet -           Physical Exam for you/Theo & form for doctor to fill out -           Physical Exams for James, Gus & Seth (physical form filled out by doctor) -           Co

Just had our first meeting with the Adoption social worker. Who is different than the Foster Care social worker; who is different still from our Licensing social worker. So, this is the third social worker making visits to our home now. Guess what she brought? Paperwork. Guess what she said before she gave me Every. Single. Form. "This is really hard to fill out...it's so confusing...I don't know why...Call me if you have any questions...I guess they changed it...It's really confusing...It's so hard...I don't know why..." She did not know how to fill out a single form. So, why exactly, will I be calling you for help in the future if you're utterly confused about the form right now??? What magic knowledge will you acquire between then and now--short of learning how to do your job which you clearly didn't bother to learn before coming to my home in the first place??? I'm just gonna say (and I know I'm being bitchy and this is not univ

Today the girls went to their first session with a therapist who specializes in foster care and adoption and does play therapy with young children. We were there for an hour and I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible so that I could observe a neutral party interacting with them. She will call me tomorrow to give her thoughts on them. I saw so much and I wonder what she will pick up on after just her first time meeting them. When we walked in Kate didn't see me sit behind her and when she heard the door close she shrieked in fear and whirled around looking for me, then came and buried her face in my lap and cried. Her fears about being separated from me are becoming extreme. This kind of separation cry happens at least 4-5 times a day now. It reminds me of that stage at about 4-6 months when the infant is learning that they are a separate being from their mother and becomes terrified each time they realize they're alone...so the mother ends up carrying them all day long. F

Today I took the kids to play at a park on the "wrong" side of town. Not actually that sketchy of a neighborhood but, nonetheless, not my usual stomping ground. We were there just a few minute when a young black boy came up to us. He was extremely friendly and immediately started playing with my kids. He helpfully offered to watch one of them on the play structure when I was busy pushing two on the swings. After a bit my kids were hungry so we went up to the pavilion to eat the lunch I'd packed. In less than a minute he was there, too. I offered him some of our snacks and he politely accepted one. By the end of the meal he was sitting next to me eating most of the food I'd brought talking my ear off. As I packed up our stuff and the toddlers scampered off to play some more I saw him share his last carrot sticks with his two older sisters who'd remained a little ways off. While we were playing after lunch a group of young white businessmen came to the pavilio

The local zoo was sponsoring a Mother's Day event so I chose that as the place we'd have our family visit with aunt, grandma, and cousins. I waited till yesterday to tell Jane that she'd be seeing them today. Her nightmares had gradually lessened since the visit two weeks ago. Then last night she had a bad one. She couldn't sleep for several hours and only drifted off after she was sure she could reach out and touch me whenever she needed to. I'd told grandma and aunt about the nightmares and asked them to find a way to reassure her, during their time with her today, that she was safe at my house and would not be returning to her bio mother (since fears about bio mother's house seemed to be the focus of the nightmares). I hoped hearing it from them, too, would confirm to Jane that her life is settled now and she'll no longer be bouncing around to various homes, especially hers. At the end of the visit I asked them if they'd had a chance to talk to

We just had a first. The girls had a bath tonight and after I towel them off I always put lotion on, especially rubbing it into their hands and faces which have such delicate skin. They have both loved this moment since the first time I did it months ago. Today as I was finishing up Kate grabbed my hand and smiled at me and said, "Mama? Wotion? Me!" Meaning: lotion put on mama by me? She slowly rubbed both her hands along my palm, then turned it over and rubbed the back. She parroted the way I say, "backs of hands, too," when I help them wash their hands by saying, "Back! Too!" Then she gently rubbed lotion along each of my fingers. It actually felt like a tiny little massage. I was surprised by how gentle and thoughtful she was being. And all the while she was smiling up at me, really happy to do this. When she finished I thanked her and she absolutely beamed with pride. It was such a sweet moment. And so unexpected. I never imagined these gir

I am going to reveal a secret that I've kept from every single person, even my husband, for 19 years. In December, 2000, I had my first miscarriage and since that miscarriage at every single birthday I have made the same wish before blowing out the candles: I've wished for a daughter. Somehow I knew that pregnancy was a daughter...in the same way that I believed each of the three subsequent miscarriages were girls also. (A suspicion that a geneticist would eventually confirm was a possibility.) Today is my birthday. Today the adoption papers came in the mail. It feels unbelievably scary and like tempting fate in the most frightening of ways, but these things are true and I'm finally, almost, ready to believe this is actually happening. These are the first papers to confirm our intent. It starts the process that they say should take about six months. If all goes smoothly they'll be ours before the next Christmas, Easter, birthdays...all of these will be celebra

Yesterday both girls got in some trouble. Nothing big but each girl did a few squirrely things that needed to be addressed with a time out, or an I'm sorry, or a bit of restorative justice, i.e. cleaning up that spill. As a result last night's bedtime was extremely brief. Pajamas, teeth, tucked in--I was too tired for prayers and cuddles. It was just one of those evenings where everyone needed some space...me most of all. This morning the girls were glad to get up but not especially cuddly with me. After breakfast the three of them went off and played with each other. This continued all day. There was none of the usual competition for my attention and subsequent jealousy. At first I silently cheered. Has the insane jealousy train finally run out of steam? Now I'm wondering. Can they only align themselves with one relationship at a time? Is this their pattern? Play with each other when the adults are unavailable or unsafe. Fight over the adult's attention when

I took Kate on a special 1:1 trip to the local ice cream parlor as a treat after we gardened together all day. It's situated so it's on a pier over a lake. Kate's eyes went wide and she was enthralled with every moment of it. -Oh! Water! -Oh! Fish! -Oh! Boats! -Oh! Ice weam! But the best moment came when we were in the car driving back and she looked out the window and sadly said good-bye to everything. -Bye wake (lake) -Bye boats -Bye ice weam Earlier today she had another cute moment. I was gardening and I guess things weren't going too well because after awhile I heard her muttering, "Shoot! Darn it! Ohmygooodness!" as she stabbed at the dirt with a stick. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Mama say bad words...I helper!" She is obsessed with being right next to me all day long and announces, "I heppuh" (helper) all the time. She cries if I go upstairs and she can't follow fast enough. So I guess she thought t

Jane after a haircut, showing off her new sunglasses. She lives for these special, one-on-one outings with an adult. The cat, who is named Snuggles because she is so very cute and cuddly, in her usual position on top of the couch cushions where she can be admired each time she re-appears from her little nest. And, Kate and James on a one-day potty-training refresher course in which they played in the kitchen all day while given unlimited drinks and constant access to their potty chairs. 

I was looking over past posts and noticing that while I'm using this as a place to vent about the real and difficult, I am, unfortunately, not giving a full picture of our home and the three toddlers, in particular. The first thing anyone notices about them is how ridiculously happy they are. They cheer about everything. It's lunch time! Let's go outside! Read a book! I see the kitty! They are genuinely, ebulliently joyful over the tiniest details of life. All day long. It is remarkable. Yes, having triplet toddlers is taxing...but it is also three times the discovery and wonder and joy and unrestrained affection. About an hour ago Jane slipped and tumbled down our stairs in a very dramatic way. Luckily I happened to be standing at the bottom and caught her before she hit bottom (the stairs are carpeted, thankfully). I held her still while I let her catch her breath and assess what hurt. As I was holding her both James and Kate came over to sympathize. I realized the

The tattling, whining, jealousy, crying, hitting, stealing toys and general societal breakdown reached a fever pitch this past week. Too much Easter candy? Too many cooped up rainy days? Too much focus on my part of being hyper-fair and distributing attention constantly setting up a lose-lose scenario where everyone demands more, more, more and nobody is satisfied? Yeah, I'm betting on the last one, but who knows, whatever the reason it was ridiculous. So, today I went old school and instituted my grandmother's One Minute Think It Over Face-Off. My mother tells me she and her sister had to do this all the time. It works like this: if children fight, whine, tattle or generally annoy the adult, place children in room facing each other with no toys or distractions, announce they're going to sit for one minute while they think about how to play nicely, release whenever the hell you want to (they can't tell time and I aint gonna bother with a timer all day long) A