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Adoption Papers

I am going to reveal a secret that I've kept from every single person, even my husband, for 19 years.

In December, 2000, I had my first miscarriage and since that miscarriage at every single birthday I have made the same wish before blowing out the candles: I've wished for a daughter. Somehow I knew that pregnancy was a daughter...in the same way that I believed each of the three subsequent miscarriages were girls also. (A suspicion that a geneticist would eventually confirm was a possibility.)

Today is my birthday.

Today the adoption papers came in the mail.

It feels unbelievably scary and like tempting fate in the most frightening of ways, but these things are true and I'm finally, almost, ready to believe this is actually happening. These are the first papers to confirm our intent. It starts the process that they say should take about six months.

If all goes smoothly they'll be ours before the next Christmas, Easter, birthdays...all of these will be celebrated with three sons and two daughters.

I couldn't sleep last night. I waited till after midnight and then went into their room and stood over their beds watching them sleep. Making my wish for the very last time.

Dear God, hear my prayer.
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