Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long.
Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat.
And it all worked!
Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved!
Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to face that!
The therapist was right. Riding in aunt's car and doing an extended visit without us brought up too many memories of all the times they'd been moved from one house to another in a state of constant instability.
Our presence throughout conveyed to them that they are still attached to us and our household. It's just a visit, not a transition.
(Note: I'm so naive. I wondered how the girls could even think they were leaving our house when they didn't pack luggage or sleeping bags or any of the usual gear I've sent my boys with when they go on a sleepover. Duh. Nobody did that for these girls. They got snatched up with the clothes on their backs. There were no cute sleeping bags. There was no excited packing of the duffel bag. No kisses good-bye and teary mom waving on the doorstep. It still hurts, with a physical pain, these moments of stark realization about their lives before they came to us.)
Theo and I had talked extensively about now to navigate this regression in visits. How could it not look like we were pulling the girls away? So, when we were at their house I found a moment to pull aunt and grandma aside and apologize to them. I explained that I'd pushed the girls too fast and I felt terrible that now there were these consequences on all of us.
They were quite surprised. I am sure they didn't expect an apology from me. I know they feel judged by me and found lacking, or worse, actually detrimental to the girl's mental health.
It turned into a lovely moment where they each comforted me and told me not to beat myself up, that we all make mistakes. We were just three women helping each other through a rough patch.
So we continue to tip-toe our way forward. I know they don't trust me fully. I know I don't know them very well yet. But, we have successfully navigated this thing. So for right now, we are okay.
Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat.
And it all worked!
Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved!
Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to face that!
The therapist was right. Riding in aunt's car and doing an extended visit without us brought up too many memories of all the times they'd been moved from one house to another in a state of constant instability.
Our presence throughout conveyed to them that they are still attached to us and our household. It's just a visit, not a transition.
(Note: I'm so naive. I wondered how the girls could even think they were leaving our house when they didn't pack luggage or sleeping bags or any of the usual gear I've sent my boys with when they go on a sleepover. Duh. Nobody did that for these girls. They got snatched up with the clothes on their backs. There were no cute sleeping bags. There was no excited packing of the duffel bag. No kisses good-bye and teary mom waving on the doorstep. It still hurts, with a physical pain, these moments of stark realization about their lives before they came to us.)
Theo and I had talked extensively about now to navigate this regression in visits. How could it not look like we were pulling the girls away? So, when we were at their house I found a moment to pull aunt and grandma aside and apologize to them. I explained that I'd pushed the girls too fast and I felt terrible that now there were these consequences on all of us.
They were quite surprised. I am sure they didn't expect an apology from me. I know they feel judged by me and found lacking, or worse, actually detrimental to the girl's mental health.
It turned into a lovely moment where they each comforted me and told me not to beat myself up, that we all make mistakes. We were just three women helping each other through a rough patch.
So we continue to tip-toe our way forward. I know they don't trust me fully. I know I don't know them very well yet. But, we have successfully navigated this thing. So for right now, we are okay.
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