Foster Further

I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details. This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate). I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk. I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'...

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since the girls came to us. For no apparent reason. Jane just decided to be really naughty all day long, about five minutes after she was released from each time out session. The past week we've been talking about anger, triggered by some incidents that occurred during her last therapy sessions. I had been telling her it's okay to show anger for a few days now. Well, she sure as hell took me up on the offer. Except not the way I meant it. I meant she should have a tantrum, yell, scream, even hit. Get it out! Express it! Be honest! Be real with me! Trust me enough to show a single authentic emotion already! Nope. She decided to do the most sneaky, underhanded, devious, manipulative, destructive things her little 4 year old brain could think of. I think she spent every minute of her time outs just planning what she'd do next. I was patient, calm, and creative in my consequences for the first two events. Then, she took Kat...

We're two weeks into the Keep-Your-Panties-Dry Incentive and New Bedtime Routine. Exciting times around our house. Kate completely regressed about a month ago to wetting herself all day long. Could hardly go three hours. Doc recommended medicines and OTC remedies didn't work. It was becoming an area of anxiety for her. I think she actually began peeing herself out of fear when she thought she might've peed herself but hadn't yet...bizarro situations she couldn't unravel at 2.5. So, back to diapers full time but with these caveats: a) I ask her every morning if she wants diapers or underwear and honor her choice (she's relieved to be able to choose diapers but once did choose underwear). b) I prompt her to use the potty regularly. She pees in it about four times a day but still has a soaked diaper inbetween. She always poops in the potty, thank god. On the day that I told Kate she could go back to diapers Jane was standing there and I watched this animali...

Jane needs rules. Over the course of the summer we gradually relaxed her wake-up time rule. It was one of those errosions that happen due to parental fatigue over time. Last night I decided no more. I explained that she'd lost the privilege of  getting up on her own due to X behaviors that I named with her. I told her she could not get out of her bed for any reason except to go potty. She was to remain in her bed, silently without waking Kate, until I came to get her. This morning at 8:00 it was already about an hour later than she'd been getting up on her own and I felt I had to hurry and get her so she wouldn't feel abandoned. I went in there--and she was still asleep. Lesson: this girl cannot manage her body's most basic physical needs. She cannot stay asleep when she's tired if there's an opportunity to get up and roam unsupervised. She cannot say no to food when she's full if she sees someone else eating because the jealousy overcomes her. S...

I'm focused on Jane's lying because it seems like the next opportunity to forge a trusting, meaningful relationship between us. We lie to those we don't like or respect or need; or to those we feel afraid of. We tell the truth when we feel safe enough to be vulnerable. As long as she keeps lying there will always be a lack of trust and connection. But, just as her finally reaching out to us for comfort during medical events gave us the opportunity to meet her physical needs in a loving way; I want her to change her "muscle memory" of reflexively panicking and lying and treating us like someone she's afraid of, and work through the process that leads to trusting. It's going to be intensive work and require lots and lots of opportunities for practice. Luckily I'm pretty much a human bull dog in my tenacity and working kids through a process of intrinsic behavior change is my actual profession. Also, she's super young and stupid and tells ridiculo...

It's 2:15 and I've already run through the full gamut of daily experiences with Jane so I thought I'd use these, while they're fresh in my mind, to highlight what it's like to live with this particular child. Annoying Behavior She Knows Not To Do 7am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I go downstairs?" I say yes. (This happens every morning and is a nut I cannot crack. We used to have her stay and play in her room when she awoke but now she wakes up Kate. Then I let her go downstairs without asking but then I discovered she was waking up super early for the delight of getting into mischief unsupervised downstairs. Now if she wakes me then at least I can either send her back to sleep if it's too early or roll out of bed soon after her.) This morning Theo was already downstairs so I told her to go and stayed in bed to try to sleep some more.  7:30am she's at my bedside saying, "Mama, can I feed the cats?" Now I'm pissed. I...

Something shifted on Saturday. We are in a new stage I cannot yet name. (I'm sure it's in a book somewhere but it is really, really hard to read books about trauma when you are living with trauma even though obviously that's the key time to read those books. I know, I know.) But, back to this shift in Jane...Theo and I took a trip out of town Wed-Fri while my mom came to stay with the kids. (There was a great conference but also we just needed some time alone. I've never felt so depleted in my life as I have these past few months. So, we got a fancy hotel, ordered room service and/or slept every moment we weren't at the conference. Best thing we've ever done for ourselves and our marriage. Self-care is no joke, people. It's mandatory.) I'd made a picture calendar and showed it to the girls a few days before we left and together we'd crossed out the days while I answered their questions but, still, I knew they'd be upset that we were gone....

When I look at the whole journey I can see that things are getting better. Our family is settling into the new normal of five kids, including three toddlers. I'm settling into managing the household demands of groceries, meals, laundry, baths, bedtimes, etc. Theo and I have figured out that I need way more support than ever before and how to provide that. The big boys have carved out their zones and we are intentional about preserving their interests and identities. The girls are truly becoming less anxious and more at home here every day. So many behaviors have come and gone. The negative behaviors that remain are less severe. Progress has been slow but it has also been steady. Kate has completely attached. At our family visit two days ago she cried when I walked away to buckle James into his carseat first and didn't want to stay with Grandma, as I'd intended. She calls me mama and acts towards me exactly as my bio children did when they were her age. I feel like she...

We were at a family reunion last weekend. There was a pool out back and a road out front and I couldn't see both places at the same time. So, my husband and I took turns essentially gluing the girls to our sides. (Even with this level of precaution Kate smeared poop all over the relative's pristine bathroom in an attempt to go potty "by SELF!" as she adamantly insists now. And, Jane fell about five feet from one tree branch to another and got wedged in the tree and needed to be rescued by several big boy cousins and is full of cuts and scrapes today. This was all under Theo's watch, of course, while I chatted with the ladies. No poop or scrapes while I was on duty! Just sayin') Anyway, so my mom notices that we've got eagle eyes on the girls while James wanders around totally unsupervised or only under the care of his 12 yr old brother when he's in the pool. Why the double standard? Here was my explanation: Jane is like a 1 yr old child in both...

During our six-month check-in with our licensing worker, he asked some of the same questions he'd asked at our initial visit and then chuckled at our responses. He said we did the same thing everyone does. When asked, "what do kids need most?" everyone says "love" at first. Six months into fostering, when asked the same questions, everyone says, "routines and boundaries". We chuckled along with him but shared that husband-wife look over his head. Why? Because they're the same thing. Routines, boundaries, discipline, rules, consequences, correction, explanation---it's all love. Our society is familiar with the harm that comes when a child is physically neglected. It's easy to see the kid that appears dirty, hungry, hurt, etc. But equally harmful is the parent who neglects to instruct and correct their child in how to be a functioning member of society and a generally nice person. Who fails to discipline. (Ugh, I hate that discipline ...