What is Love?

During our six-month check-in with our licensing worker, he asked some of the same questions he'd asked at our initial visit and then chuckled at our responses. He said we did the same thing everyone does. When asked, "what do kids need most?" everyone says "love" at first. Six months into fostering, when asked the same questions, everyone says, "routines and boundaries". We chuckled along with him but shared that husband-wife look over his head.

Why? Because they're the same thing. Routines, boundaries, discipline, rules, consequences, correction, explanation---it's all love.

Our society is familiar with the harm that comes when a child is physically neglected. It's easy to see the kid that appears dirty, hungry, hurt, etc.

But equally harmful is the parent who neglects to instruct and correct their child in how to be a functioning member of society and a generally nice person. Who fails to discipline.

(Ugh, I hate that discipline is such a loaded word. For some it automatically denotes physical abuse and hyper-controlling parents angrily thumping a Bible.)

So, I'll define it to avoid being misunderstood. When I say discipline I think of the teaching of practices by modeling, instructing, and correcting. I think: moderating the base human impulses everyone must learn to control.

I think: a kid who isn't a brat.

So, yes, we teach our kids to say please and thank you and wait their turn and eat with their mouth closed.

We name envy and selfishness when we see it and we teach them why indulging in these impulses is harmful. 

We seek to have routines around eating and sleeping (let's be honest, seek is as good as it's going to get with 5 kids from toddler to high school--I didn't say we are perfectly disciplined; I said we teach disciplined practices) because we want them to see that we know healthy habits are valuable. 

We require them to do things they don't want to do (eat that icky food, stop nagging their sibling, obey us right now instead of eventually) because it is good to subjugate ones personal will for the greater good.

Etc.

These, and many others, are skills for living that all productive members of society and generally nice people need. And neglecting to teach them is just as bad as failing to feed or clothe your child.

Discipline = love. If you truly love you will discipline.