Foster Further

In the week after the adoption was finalized I first called Aunt (Grandma's sister, though much younger so closer to my age) and told her about it. She had some tears and big emotions and it was a long, draining phone call but one of those good-draining experiences where you hang up knowing you've shared something important and are closer to that person for it. That same week I scheduled a visit with Grandma and gave her a letter Theo and I had written about a month before and honed over time to be as kind but clear as possible about our boundaries and plans now that the girls were officially our daughters. I chose a letter for Grandma because she is scatter-brained in conversation and avoids any difficult topic like the plague. I knew she wouldn't really "hear" me if I tried to talk to her initially (it's also a pattern for her to "not hear" any information she doesn't want to have to follow later). But, I both began and ended the letter wit...

During our visit with Grandma today Jane was really pissy. Flat out angry. If Grandma asked her a question she would stare right at her but not answer until I prompted her to. But even as she was pissy she was also whiny and clingy--insisting on holding Grandma's hand in a babyish voice and then yanking incessantly on Grandma while we walked. It's a regression to behavior she only ever displays when with Grandma. I've learned to pretty much ignore it because we only see Grandma for a few hours per month now. It ceases as soon as we leave the visit. After we got home I decided to try to talk to Jane about it since she's been interested in talking through her feelings with me lately. I opened the topic in an as-neutral-as-possible way and just invited her to talk. After chatting a bit I asked her how she felt. She did the super fake smile and said she felt happy. I just flat out countered her by saying, "Really? Your face didn't look happy to me." That...

The day after the adoption was finalized I call Aunt and told her the news. It was never going to be an easy phone call and I didn't want to see underhanded in any way by delaying. I mean, it's not like this was a surprise; they knew the adoption was imminent. Aunt was very nice. Saying all kinds of nice things about our family and how happy the girls are now. I'm grateful for her continued support. She's a great liaison between me and grandma on difficult topics. After calling Aunt I contacted Grandma and set up our next monthly visit for today. We met at the mall after church. There's an indoor kiddie playground that my three love to romp around in while we adults chat. The minute Grandma walked in I knew that she already knew about the adoption. Her sister probably called the second we hung up. Grandma was extremely subdued and weird--she tried to sneak in without Jane seeing her in order to generate a big response by surprising Jane. The girls always act v...

Tomorrow we tell Grandma that the adoption was finalized. I've been preparing a letter we will give her that a) thanks her for continuing to be a part of their lives, b) assures her we want that to continue, and c) outlines our boundaries going forward. I'll talk this through in person but I also wanted to give her a letter so she'd have something concrete to read if she became too emotional while we were talking and also so she could show it to others in her life who could help her understand. I've already called the Aunt and told her about the adoption finalization and she agrees this is a good plan. One thing I waffled with is trying to manage her social media posts. On one hand it's ridiculous to even try. She can open up new accounts I don't know about--she can show people pictures she takes on her phone when she's with them in person. If she's going to have access to the girls then I cannot control what she does with that access. On the other...

Yesterday, Sunday, I was supposed to drive an hour to an indoor playplace to take the girls to see their grandma. It was our typical every-two-week visit. But ear/sinus infections were going through the house and I felt miserable. We were supposed to meet at 2:00 and by 10:00 I had Theo send Grandma a message that we couldn't come but she could come here and take the girls out. Of course he needed to try out some new Google number method and she never got the message. When I hadn't heard from her by 1:30 I texted her from my phone. Instant reply--she was already on her way there, starting from a town closer to ours, so, hence, driving an hour in the wrong direction. She finally got here. I'm awoken from sleep by Gus, equally sick and miserable, telling me she was knocking at the door. Theo was working outside all day yesterday on a yard project. Where was he? Oh, he'd gone to the store. WTF?!? So I try to use Gus to relay message to Seth to tell Grandma what car t...

I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details. This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate). I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk. I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'...

Today we held Jane's 4th birthday party.  On the whole the party went well. I mean, none of the major things I was dreading happened. No surprise visits by banned people. Jane had fun. We got nice family pictures. She was thrilled with her cake and balloons and presents. She was polite and kind when opening gifts, saying thank you and giving genuine hugs. All the kids were thrilled to see each other and ran around on the playground together. They got tons of attention from adults. From her perspective, it was great. From my perspective, it was miserable and annoying. I'm never again going to get roped into doing all the work for a bigger party than I want to host. Here's how it happened. Several months ago I stayed home and Theo did the visitation with aunt/grandma and they dreamed up the idea of going to this park (farther away from our house so it'd be halfway for each of us to drive) plus renting a pavilion to house a bunch of people. They assured me there were...

Here are all the things I'm worried about tomorrow: Forgetting some food or serving item (100% chance that'll happen despite my lists, oh well). The half-brother, age 13, who was uninvited after the girls cried and told me stories of him hurting them, coming anyway. If his grandpa (all the kids' maternal grandfather) brings him, despite our request not to...what do we do? Tonight I coached the girls that they can say, "NO!" loudly if he tries to pick them up or touch them and then say, "I'm going to get my mom!" (Sadly, Jane said, "sometimes he hurted me...but he still loves me!" Leading to a message from me about not letting people, even those who loves us, hurt us. Oy. Grandma dragging out the good-bye and making an already emotional day even more difficult. Like the fear about forgetting a party item I'm 100% sure this will happen. There's no prevention; just degrees of coping afterwards. It being cold and wet and a m...

I got a phone call that my grandmother is not doing well. She's been moved into a home and likely will not live much longer. She says she just wants to go to sleep and not wake up. She just turned 96. My grandpa died 15 years ago. She's had a long life and is ready. I told Seth and Gus and they are upset. Gus, especially, was close to her and loved our annual visit to see grandma. But the younger three do not know her. James last saw her at age 2 and the girls have never met her. We're going up next weekend to visit and, I imagine, most likely say good-bye. I'm wrestling with what to say to her. I've sent her letters and pictures of the girls. I think she's fairly aware but at this stage in her life she can't possibly really care that I've brought two more great-grandchildren into her life. I'm not even sure, at this point, how many great-grandchildren and even great-great-grandchildren she already has. (My dad was one of seven kids.) So, I n...