Today we held Jane's 4th birthday party.
On the whole the party went well. I mean, none of the major things I was dreading happened. No surprise visits by banned people. Jane had fun. We got nice family pictures. She was thrilled with her cake and balloons and presents. She was polite and kind when opening gifts, saying thank you and giving genuine hugs. All the kids were thrilled to see each other and ran around on the playground together. They got tons of attention from adults. From her perspective, it was great.
From my perspective, it was miserable and annoying. I'm never again going to get roped into doing all the work for a bigger party than I want to host.
Here's how it happened. Several months ago I stayed home and Theo did the visitation with aunt/grandma and they dreamed up the idea of going to this park (farther away from our house so it'd be halfway for each of us to drive) plus renting a pavilion to house a bunch of people. They assured me there were tons of people who "wanted to see the girls". How could I say no to that?
I paid $80 to rent the pavilion and then bought the food, drinks, and cake for about 40-50 people. I also bought flowers and balloons and tablecloths to make the pavilion look festive.
Here's what really happened:
The main attractions of the park (beach and splashpad) are closed after Labor Day (Surprise! No notice on their website!). It had a playground that was nice but, seriously, any park has a playground. So, there was no big reason to go to that specific park after all.
Almost none of the people they invited actually came. Grandma brought four other people. From "at least 20" to four! And she told me about this change at 11:00, via text, this morning. Thaaaaaanks.
Several of the people we invited couldn't come because one of the women went into labor two weeks before her due date and another friend is her labor coach. Thrilled and excited for her, but with their families and kids absent that removed about 10 more people from the guest list.
The end result: we had about 10 adults and 12 kids. Which was a very nice sized party and is exactly what I think a 4-yr-old party should be! I just wish I'd planned for 22 instead of 50!
Really, the numbers isn't the biggest deal, though. There are other small irritations that are very small but, when you're getting to know other adults and trying to navigate new relationships, these things seem to need more energy. If these people were my quirky aunt or uncle I'd already know what to expect and how to cope. When it's people who want access to the girls I feel like I need to think twice about boundaries and how to manage everyone's feelings.
First Issue: Papa Ken* (maternal grandmother's ex-boyfriend who has somehow become a grandfather figure to three little girls in ways that seem creepy to me, but maybe aren't, I just don't know) tells Jane, "let's ask your mom if you can come to my house".
*All names are pseudonyms.
Later he said the same thing to both Theo and I separately. He knows we want the girls to have contact with Laura, the maternal grandmother, but she couldn't come today so he said something about inviting her also at this future gathering at his house since they're still in contact. A) It feels creepy that he's using her as a draw. I'd like to just contact her directly; not through him. B) Do NOT tell my child she's going to visit your house before asking me first. That's Parenting 101, dude.
Finally, both Jane and Kate looked blank when he showed up. No affectionate response; no running to him. In fact, he looked hurt and said, "have you forgotten Papa Ken?" Uhm, yes. And, sorry, but that's the way things need to be. It was weird that he had the girls every weekend for a year of their life because their deadbeat mother would let absolutely anyone pick up her kids and keep them overnight. On one hand, thanks, I guess, for keeping the girls away from their mother but, on the other hand, you don't represent a good time in their lives and I wish you could understand that. He's not a biological relative, or even still in a relationship with their grandmother. I don't know why he keeps bugging me for pictures and contact.
Theo and I keep talking about a long letter explaining that we're ending his relationship with them in the kindest, but firmest, way possible. Thanking him for the role he played but explaining that they have new lives now. I think, after seeing their responses and knowing they haven't talked about him for months, it needs to happen.
Second Issue that I hadn't really thought about: Grandma gave Jane the most god-awful gawdy doll ever. It's a ridiculously blingy Barbie, standing on a pedestal that lights up and plays music, while she's encased in some cage thingy. Honestly, she's posed like a stripper in an elaborate Vegas show.
It's one of those "collector" items that I just have no use for. Grandma kept saying, "this is not for her to play with, it's to sit on her dresser for her to look at, but don't let her play with it or she'll break it".
Grandma has always given us non-stop crap and I've made my peace with that. Most of what she gives goes into the trash (plastic toys already broken by the time we drive home) or to Goodwill. I could do that before she began coming to our house.
But what the hell am I going to do now that she's coming to the house?? The girls' room is tiny. Just enough room for Jane's bed, Kate's crib, one dresser for clothes and one tiny cupboard for toys and books. It is exactly 80 square feet because that's what the regulations require for a two-kid room. Their dresses hang flat against the wall on a row of hooks above Kate's bed. There's not one inch extra for a stupid toy Jane doesn't want to "only look at". She's not a "look at" kind of kid! She's an all-hands-on, full sensory experience kind of player.
Third Issue: For some reason when we're around people from the girls' past I totally disengage from them. It's like I just hand them over to grandma, aunt, cousin, grandma's ex-boyfriend, etc. It's weird and I can't explain it. On one hand there's hardly any room for me to squeeze myself in because everyone else wants access to them and it feels more respectful to step back and allow them unfettered time with the girls. On the other hand--the level of emotional disengagement that I feel kinda scares me.
There's always some point where one of the girls comes to me. They call out "mama?" and come to me for something they need. At that moment I truly feel like their mother and I meet the need, even if it's as simple as being held, which is what Kate often asks for, needing a break from all the attention.
And as soon as we're in the car on the way home our relationship fully resumes with no awkwardness. I just wish I could talk to other foster/adoptive parents in open relationships and see how they experience family visits. It's such an odd feeling that, of course, I never experience with my bio kids. When we're around family I'm often super tuned into my boys because I want to be sure they're being polite and I'm also curious as to how relatives interact with my boys.
I like watching my boys with my relatives. When the girls are with their relatives I pretty much turn my back and walk away. I actually wish that I could just drop them off, drive away, and return in a couple hours. I really don't want to witness their interactions for one second.
And I struggle with that, and all that it means.
Final item: men are stupid. Both Seth and Kate were sick with a sinus thing. I told him this repeatedly and when I was packing up and leaving (we drove separately) I asked him to come home soon. He didn't. They were there another 3 hours. Why? Because they were "having fun". So, thanks, you stupid, stupid man. Just before you're gone for a full week you leave me with two kids even sicker than they already were and one of them has to drive himself to all his classes and events next week because the stupid, stupid man is gone. Why are otherwise intelligent men so incredibly stupid sometimes?
(In addition to getting me roped into a party and then never doing one damn thing to help host it. Not that I'm bitter about the extra work he created for me today, and next week, while he's gone on a work trip. It's probably best that I stop writing now. At other times he's a responsible, delightful, intelligent man. Just not today.)
On the whole the party went well. I mean, none of the major things I was dreading happened. No surprise visits by banned people. Jane had fun. We got nice family pictures. She was thrilled with her cake and balloons and presents. She was polite and kind when opening gifts, saying thank you and giving genuine hugs. All the kids were thrilled to see each other and ran around on the playground together. They got tons of attention from adults. From her perspective, it was great.
From my perspective, it was miserable and annoying. I'm never again going to get roped into doing all the work for a bigger party than I want to host.
Here's how it happened. Several months ago I stayed home and Theo did the visitation with aunt/grandma and they dreamed up the idea of going to this park (farther away from our house so it'd be halfway for each of us to drive) plus renting a pavilion to house a bunch of people. They assured me there were tons of people who "wanted to see the girls". How could I say no to that?
I paid $80 to rent the pavilion and then bought the food, drinks, and cake for about 40-50 people. I also bought flowers and balloons and tablecloths to make the pavilion look festive.
Here's what really happened:
The main attractions of the park (beach and splashpad) are closed after Labor Day (Surprise! No notice on their website!). It had a playground that was nice but, seriously, any park has a playground. So, there was no big reason to go to that specific park after all.
Almost none of the people they invited actually came. Grandma brought four other people. From "at least 20" to four! And she told me about this change at 11:00, via text, this morning. Thaaaaaanks.
Several of the people we invited couldn't come because one of the women went into labor two weeks before her due date and another friend is her labor coach. Thrilled and excited for her, but with their families and kids absent that removed about 10 more people from the guest list.
The end result: we had about 10 adults and 12 kids. Which was a very nice sized party and is exactly what I think a 4-yr-old party should be! I just wish I'd planned for 22 instead of 50!
Really, the numbers isn't the biggest deal, though. There are other small irritations that are very small but, when you're getting to know other adults and trying to navigate new relationships, these things seem to need more energy. If these people were my quirky aunt or uncle I'd already know what to expect and how to cope. When it's people who want access to the girls I feel like I need to think twice about boundaries and how to manage everyone's feelings.
First Issue: Papa Ken* (maternal grandmother's ex-boyfriend who has somehow become a grandfather figure to three little girls in ways that seem creepy to me, but maybe aren't, I just don't know) tells Jane, "let's ask your mom if you can come to my house".
*All names are pseudonyms.
Later he said the same thing to both Theo and I separately. He knows we want the girls to have contact with Laura, the maternal grandmother, but she couldn't come today so he said something about inviting her also at this future gathering at his house since they're still in contact. A) It feels creepy that he's using her as a draw. I'd like to just contact her directly; not through him. B) Do NOT tell my child she's going to visit your house before asking me first. That's Parenting 101, dude.
Finally, both Jane and Kate looked blank when he showed up. No affectionate response; no running to him. In fact, he looked hurt and said, "have you forgotten Papa Ken?" Uhm, yes. And, sorry, but that's the way things need to be. It was weird that he had the girls every weekend for a year of their life because their deadbeat mother would let absolutely anyone pick up her kids and keep them overnight. On one hand, thanks, I guess, for keeping the girls away from their mother but, on the other hand, you don't represent a good time in their lives and I wish you could understand that. He's not a biological relative, or even still in a relationship with their grandmother. I don't know why he keeps bugging me for pictures and contact.
Theo and I keep talking about a long letter explaining that we're ending his relationship with them in the kindest, but firmest, way possible. Thanking him for the role he played but explaining that they have new lives now. I think, after seeing their responses and knowing they haven't talked about him for months, it needs to happen.
Second Issue that I hadn't really thought about: Grandma gave Jane the most god-awful gawdy doll ever. It's a ridiculously blingy Barbie, standing on a pedestal that lights up and plays music, while she's encased in some cage thingy. Honestly, she's posed like a stripper in an elaborate Vegas show.
It's one of those "collector" items that I just have no use for. Grandma kept saying, "this is not for her to play with, it's to sit on her dresser for her to look at, but don't let her play with it or she'll break it".
Grandma has always given us non-stop crap and I've made my peace with that. Most of what she gives goes into the trash (plastic toys already broken by the time we drive home) or to Goodwill. I could do that before she began coming to our house.
But what the hell am I going to do now that she's coming to the house?? The girls' room is tiny. Just enough room for Jane's bed, Kate's crib, one dresser for clothes and one tiny cupboard for toys and books. It is exactly 80 square feet because that's what the regulations require for a two-kid room. Their dresses hang flat against the wall on a row of hooks above Kate's bed. There's not one inch extra for a stupid toy Jane doesn't want to "only look at". She's not a "look at" kind of kid! She's an all-hands-on, full sensory experience kind of player.
Third Issue: For some reason when we're around people from the girls' past I totally disengage from them. It's like I just hand them over to grandma, aunt, cousin, grandma's ex-boyfriend, etc. It's weird and I can't explain it. On one hand there's hardly any room for me to squeeze myself in because everyone else wants access to them and it feels more respectful to step back and allow them unfettered time with the girls. On the other hand--the level of emotional disengagement that I feel kinda scares me.
There's always some point where one of the girls comes to me. They call out "mama?" and come to me for something they need. At that moment I truly feel like their mother and I meet the need, even if it's as simple as being held, which is what Kate often asks for, needing a break from all the attention.
And as soon as we're in the car on the way home our relationship fully resumes with no awkwardness. I just wish I could talk to other foster/adoptive parents in open relationships and see how they experience family visits. It's such an odd feeling that, of course, I never experience with my bio kids. When we're around family I'm often super tuned into my boys because I want to be sure they're being polite and I'm also curious as to how relatives interact with my boys.
I like watching my boys with my relatives. When the girls are with their relatives I pretty much turn my back and walk away. I actually wish that I could just drop them off, drive away, and return in a couple hours. I really don't want to witness their interactions for one second.
And I struggle with that, and all that it means.
Final item: men are stupid. Both Seth and Kate were sick with a sinus thing. I told him this repeatedly and when I was packing up and leaving (we drove separately) I asked him to come home soon. He didn't. They were there another 3 hours. Why? Because they were "having fun". So, thanks, you stupid, stupid man. Just before you're gone for a full week you leave me with two kids even sicker than they already were and one of them has to drive himself to all his classes and events next week because the stupid, stupid man is gone. Why are otherwise intelligent men so incredibly stupid sometimes?
(In addition to getting me roped into a party and then never doing one damn thing to help host it. Not that I'm bitter about the extra work he created for me today, and next week, while he's gone on a work trip. It's probably best that I stop writing now. At other times he's a responsible, delightful, intelligent man. Just not today.)
Comments
Post a Comment