During our visit with Grandma today Jane was really pissy. Flat out angry. If Grandma asked her a question she would stare right at her but not answer until I prompted her to. But even as she was pissy she was also whiny and clingy--insisting on holding Grandma's hand in a babyish voice and then yanking incessantly on Grandma while we walked.
It's a regression to behavior she only ever displays when with Grandma. I've learned to pretty much ignore it because we only see Grandma for a few hours per month now. It ceases as soon as we leave the visit.
After we got home I decided to try to talk to Jane about it since she's been interested in talking through her feelings with me lately. I opened the topic in an as-neutral-as-possible way and just invited her to talk. After chatting a bit I asked her how she felt. She did the super fake smile and said she felt happy. I just flat out countered her by saying, "Really? Your face didn't look happy to me."
That caught her off guard and first she said, "I can't smile all the time because it makes my teeth hurt."Hmm, that's a new one.
I named two specific times where she looked angry and asked what she was feeling during those times. She said she was trying to remember something during those times. I asked what she was trying to remember. She said, "I was trying to remember who took me to all those houses, who said that I should go, who sent me to lots and lots of houses?" I confirmed that she was referring to when she'd regularly bounce between multiple houses (birthmother, fictive grandpa, grandma, aunt) every few days.
Hoo boy. Okay, so she's starting to be honest about unhappy times in her past. That's good. And she can clearly connect Grandma to them and the role she played in those events. That's good because it's honest and real. But now what do I tell her?
I thought a minute and then I said that this is exactly why we still see Grandma, because Jane has questions I can't answer since this occurred before I met her. So, Jane should speak up and ask these questions when she's with Grandma instead of being angry with her. I spoke very briefly, in age-appropriate language, about saying how we feel and letting someone know so they can answer our questions, and that people can't help us if we don't speak up and ask.
It's a big lesson for a 4 yr old but I don't think it's too early to teach her healthy relationship habits--especially when I see her doing unhealthy ones (glaring and being unresponsive because deep down she's angry but then claiming she was happy all the time).
After I said she should ask Grandma questions about who sent her to different houses next time we see her I also added that, from what I've been told, it was her birthmother and Grandma who decided to send her to Papa Ken's (fictive grandpa) house every weekend since this is what Grandma and Ken have both directly told me. I told her the truth as I know it because I don't think Grandma will be truthful when Jane asks her. But I also left it that she should ask Grandma and this is why we keep our connection with Grandma.
Near the end of our talk Jane became very animated and said that "nobody watched me, nobody took care of me" at both birthmom's house and Papa Ken's house. I was surprised by this--she's said this about birthmom but never about Ken. In reflection I think she also feels this way about Grandma's house but is wrestling with saying a bad thing about someone she just saw and whom she loves. Ken is becoming as distant to her as birthmom is so I think she feels free to speak honestly about him.
This is what she's most angry about when she talks to me right now. That nobody took care of her; nobody watched her. She says it in both a hurt and angry tone and then she comes over and crawls in my lap. While I think other abusive stuff happened to her primarily it is this neglect that is at the core of her trauma.
She added more details about birthmom's house today. She said the floors were cold and birthmom didn't wear socks so her feet were always cold. (I wonder if really she was remembering that her own feet were cold.) She said the floors were cold because there were no rugs. I know this is true because birthmom lived in gov't housing with no carpets allowed due to issues with bedbugs (per Grandma's report).
Also, Kate began chewing her fingernails yesterday when I told her we'd be seeing Grandma and was at it nonstop today. Ugh. It is good we're down to one visit per month.
I liken seeing Grandma to squeezing puss from a wound. She's the irritant that brings the puss to the surface. I don't like introducing the girls to the irritant once a month but it's important to address the deep down puss that is their past and not let it stay scabbed over and rotting inside them. A horrible image but all too accurate nonetheless.
It's a regression to behavior she only ever displays when with Grandma. I've learned to pretty much ignore it because we only see Grandma for a few hours per month now. It ceases as soon as we leave the visit.
After we got home I decided to try to talk to Jane about it since she's been interested in talking through her feelings with me lately. I opened the topic in an as-neutral-as-possible way and just invited her to talk. After chatting a bit I asked her how she felt. She did the super fake smile and said she felt happy. I just flat out countered her by saying, "Really? Your face didn't look happy to me."
That caught her off guard and first she said, "I can't smile all the time because it makes my teeth hurt."Hmm, that's a new one.
I named two specific times where she looked angry and asked what she was feeling during those times. She said she was trying to remember something during those times. I asked what she was trying to remember. She said, "I was trying to remember who took me to all those houses, who said that I should go, who sent me to lots and lots of houses?" I confirmed that she was referring to when she'd regularly bounce between multiple houses (birthmother, fictive grandpa, grandma, aunt) every few days.
Hoo boy. Okay, so she's starting to be honest about unhappy times in her past. That's good. And she can clearly connect Grandma to them and the role she played in those events. That's good because it's honest and real. But now what do I tell her?
I thought a minute and then I said that this is exactly why we still see Grandma, because Jane has questions I can't answer since this occurred before I met her. So, Jane should speak up and ask these questions when she's with Grandma instead of being angry with her. I spoke very briefly, in age-appropriate language, about saying how we feel and letting someone know so they can answer our questions, and that people can't help us if we don't speak up and ask.
It's a big lesson for a 4 yr old but I don't think it's too early to teach her healthy relationship habits--especially when I see her doing unhealthy ones (glaring and being unresponsive because deep down she's angry but then claiming she was happy all the time).
After I said she should ask Grandma questions about who sent her to different houses next time we see her I also added that, from what I've been told, it was her birthmother and Grandma who decided to send her to Papa Ken's (fictive grandpa) house every weekend since this is what Grandma and Ken have both directly told me. I told her the truth as I know it because I don't think Grandma will be truthful when Jane asks her. But I also left it that she should ask Grandma and this is why we keep our connection with Grandma.
Near the end of our talk Jane became very animated and said that "nobody watched me, nobody took care of me" at both birthmom's house and Papa Ken's house. I was surprised by this--she's said this about birthmom but never about Ken. In reflection I think she also feels this way about Grandma's house but is wrestling with saying a bad thing about someone she just saw and whom she loves. Ken is becoming as distant to her as birthmom is so I think she feels free to speak honestly about him.
This is what she's most angry about when she talks to me right now. That nobody took care of her; nobody watched her. She says it in both a hurt and angry tone and then she comes over and crawls in my lap. While I think other abusive stuff happened to her primarily it is this neglect that is at the core of her trauma.
She added more details about birthmom's house today. She said the floors were cold and birthmom didn't wear socks so her feet were always cold. (I wonder if really she was remembering that her own feet were cold.) She said the floors were cold because there were no rugs. I know this is true because birthmom lived in gov't housing with no carpets allowed due to issues with bedbugs (per Grandma's report).
Also, Kate began chewing her fingernails yesterday when I told her we'd be seeing Grandma and was at it nonstop today. Ugh. It is good we're down to one visit per month.
I liken seeing Grandma to squeezing puss from a wound. She's the irritant that brings the puss to the surface. I don't like introducing the girls to the irritant once a month but it's important to address the deep down puss that is their past and not let it stay scabbed over and rotting inside them. A horrible image but all too accurate nonetheless.
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