Yesterday, Sunday, I was supposed to drive an hour to an indoor playplace to take the girls to see their grandma. It was our typical every-two-week visit. But ear/sinus infections were going through the house and I felt miserable. We were supposed to meet at 2:00 and by 10:00 I had Theo send Grandma a message that we couldn't come but she could come here and take the girls out.
Of course he needed to try out some new Google number method and she never got the message. When I hadn't heard from her by 1:30 I texted her from my phone. Instant reply--she was already on her way there, starting from a town closer to ours, so, hence, driving an hour in the wrong direction.
She finally got here. I'm awoken from sleep by Gus, equally sick and miserable, telling me she was knocking at the door. Theo was working outside all day yesterday on a yard project. Where was he? Oh, he'd gone to the store. WTF?!?
So I try to use Gus to relay message to Seth to tell Grandma what car to take. Everybody pissed at everyone else and no message getting thru clearly. Finally, I crawl out of bed and go straight to the garage, my hair standing straight up, in the ratty old stinky sweats I've been in for two days now.
I try to tell her I don't want her to take our brand new, less than a year old, all the bells-and-whistles minivan that is so advanced we seriously needed a driving lesson from the salesman before he'd let us off the lot. There's a lot of weird buttons and the navigation system is hugely distracting.
She said no, I'll take this one and slammed the door shut and drove off. I was seriously standing there open mouthed trying to figure out if I was conscious enough to believe what had just happened. She just talked back to me and took a car I didn't want her to drive?!?
Okay, I get that she was pissed about the cancellation message but, uh, you just drove off with my children in my car...?
She was gone 3 hrs. When she got back Theo had to park the car for her and he said it reeks of cigarette smoke plus she drove with THE PARKING BRAKE ON the whole time. It's probably burned to hell now.
All day today I kept composing angry messages to her in my mind that I'll never send. They range from blunt to passive aggressive but, ultimately, it was our fault. It really was.
a) I should've outright cancelled and not had her come here. I'm sorry if this means she won't see them every two weeks and if she thinks we're liars who are going to steal her grandkids away. We're not; she'll see them, it's time for some trust after 11 months of never once ever going back on our word.
b) Theo shouldn't have left the house.
c) Seth should've done as his dad told him and moved the carseats over and given her the correct car keys--really Seth is #1 to blame here.
In the end I won't send any messages because, oh well, you let someone drive your car then you need to be prepared for something to happen. I'm pissed that she smoked in my car around my kids. I'm pissed that she just took them to a restaurant and then sat there for 3 hrs feeding them endless ice cream because she couldn't think of anything else to do and because she's so jealous for time with them. I'm pissed that this relationship is still harder than I wish it was. I'm pissed that she's such an emotionally fragile person that I have to tip toe around her and can't flat out say--you drove with the parking brake on, you idiot, that's WHY I didn't want you to take that car so next time LISTEN to me!
But, mainly, my biggest feeling is that I'm so damn tired of being pissed. What's the point? It's gonna be a difficult relationship. Maybe not forever but for a very, very long time. I can't get worked up every time. I, honestly, just can't care that much anymore.
So, Theo and I talked and we've decided that after the adoption is finalized we're gonna go down to a big, all-day visit once every three months and in between I'll do something spur of the moment that she's invited to. So, she'll see them about every 6 weeks as would be more normal for a grandparent that lived over an hour away. But I'll only have the stress of committing to something 4 times a year.
Here is the final decider in this decision---the girls revert to the worst behavior when they're around here. Whiny little brats who annoy everyone and each other. And, honestly, I don't think they even miss her that much. They almost never talk about her in between visits.
I wonder if, deep down, even she will be relieved not to have the hassle of meeting up so often.
Of course he needed to try out some new Google number method and she never got the message. When I hadn't heard from her by 1:30 I texted her from my phone. Instant reply--she was already on her way there, starting from a town closer to ours, so, hence, driving an hour in the wrong direction.
She finally got here. I'm awoken from sleep by Gus, equally sick and miserable, telling me she was knocking at the door. Theo was working outside all day yesterday on a yard project. Where was he? Oh, he'd gone to the store. WTF?!?
So I try to use Gus to relay message to Seth to tell Grandma what car to take. Everybody pissed at everyone else and no message getting thru clearly. Finally, I crawl out of bed and go straight to the garage, my hair standing straight up, in the ratty old stinky sweats I've been in for two days now.
I try to tell her I don't want her to take our brand new, less than a year old, all the bells-and-whistles minivan that is so advanced we seriously needed a driving lesson from the salesman before he'd let us off the lot. There's a lot of weird buttons and the navigation system is hugely distracting.
She said no, I'll take this one and slammed the door shut and drove off. I was seriously standing there open mouthed trying to figure out if I was conscious enough to believe what had just happened. She just talked back to me and took a car I didn't want her to drive?!?
Okay, I get that she was pissed about the cancellation message but, uh, you just drove off with my children in my car...?
She was gone 3 hrs. When she got back Theo had to park the car for her and he said it reeks of cigarette smoke plus she drove with THE PARKING BRAKE ON the whole time. It's probably burned to hell now.
All day today I kept composing angry messages to her in my mind that I'll never send. They range from blunt to passive aggressive but, ultimately, it was our fault. It really was.
a) I should've outright cancelled and not had her come here. I'm sorry if this means she won't see them every two weeks and if she thinks we're liars who are going to steal her grandkids away. We're not; she'll see them, it's time for some trust after 11 months of never once ever going back on our word.
b) Theo shouldn't have left the house.
c) Seth should've done as his dad told him and moved the carseats over and given her the correct car keys--really Seth is #1 to blame here.
In the end I won't send any messages because, oh well, you let someone drive your car then you need to be prepared for something to happen. I'm pissed that she smoked in my car around my kids. I'm pissed that she just took them to a restaurant and then sat there for 3 hrs feeding them endless ice cream because she couldn't think of anything else to do and because she's so jealous for time with them. I'm pissed that this relationship is still harder than I wish it was. I'm pissed that she's such an emotionally fragile person that I have to tip toe around her and can't flat out say--you drove with the parking brake on, you idiot, that's WHY I didn't want you to take that car so next time LISTEN to me!
But, mainly, my biggest feeling is that I'm so damn tired of being pissed. What's the point? It's gonna be a difficult relationship. Maybe not forever but for a very, very long time. I can't get worked up every time. I, honestly, just can't care that much anymore.
So, Theo and I talked and we've decided that after the adoption is finalized we're gonna go down to a big, all-day visit once every three months and in between I'll do something spur of the moment that she's invited to. So, she'll see them about every 6 weeks as would be more normal for a grandparent that lived over an hour away. But I'll only have the stress of committing to something 4 times a year.
Here is the final decider in this decision---the girls revert to the worst behavior when they're around here. Whiny little brats who annoy everyone and each other. And, honestly, I don't think they even miss her that much. They almost never talk about her in between visits.
I wonder if, deep down, even she will be relieved not to have the hassle of meeting up so often.
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