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Telling the Birth Family about the Adoption

The day after the adoption was finalized I call Aunt and told her the news. It was never going to be an easy phone call and I didn't want to see underhanded in any way by delaying. I mean, it's not like this was a surprise; they knew the adoption was imminent.

Aunt was very nice. Saying all kinds of nice things about our family and how happy the girls are now. I'm grateful for her continued support. She's a great liaison between me and grandma on difficult topics.

After calling Aunt I contacted Grandma and set up our next monthly visit for today. We met at the mall after church. There's an indoor kiddie playground that my three love to romp around in while we adults chat.

The minute Grandma walked in I knew that she already knew about the adoption. Her sister probably called the second we hung up. Grandma was extremely subdued and weird--she tried to sneak in without Jane seeing her in order to generate a big response by surprising Jane. The girls always act very happy and run to see her; why does she need a big surprise on top of that?

We chatted for just a bit and then I brought it up. She immediately told me that her sister had already told her and it was a good thing she'd heard beforehand because she'd cried. (Then she thought she'd told me too much so she amended her statement to say she was crying tears of joy. Yeah, right.)

I was tense throughout the visit. I knew this was the moment when I had to talk about tough things but it's really hard to do that with little kids interrupting us. Maybe I should've asked to meet with her separately; maybe I should still offer to do that in a week or so. I did bring a letter with me that I gave her that I've been working on for several weeks. The letter spells out our boundaries regarding visits, gifts, social media, her son's loss of parental rights, etc. I'm glad I had it all written out because it would've been impossible to list every detail in person. So, maybe in a week or so when she's had time to read through the letter I should offer to meet her, just us, and talk it through.

But, even though it was in the letter I did make myself talk about social media and her son. I made myself say the words--that I was there in the courtroom when his rights were terminated and what that means about contact with the girls. I made her hear me say that we'd have no tolerance for any communication whatsoever between her son and the girls and any relative who facilitated that would no longer have a relationship with us.

It was brutal to say those words. And, of course, at that moment the girls came running over so they heard the tale end of my conversation so I just had to rush through it without any of the softening gestures or words I would've used if I'd had more time. But Grandma didn't want to talk about it anyway and was trying to shut me down by nodding and uh-huhing like she already knew all this and saying she completely agreed with me and acting like she'd never allow contact when I knew she was lying through her teeth after bringing him to a party in November where his other two children were, then taking pictures of him with his arms around his kids and posting it on her FB page.

But, honestly, was it ever going to be a "good" conversation? Was it ever going to be easy to remind her that her son lost his parental rights; we are now the girls' parents; and we've decided if she ever allows contact between the girls and her son that we'll cease our relationship with her? No, it wasn't. I wasn't cruel but I was very blunt precisely because we know this is the hardest topic and she'd be most likely to bend the truth about it and pretend to misunderstand, as she has in the past.

This is what I know now from doing foster care and being close to the kind of person to whom the state would not give custody of their own grandchildren. There are good reasons they are in this position. They are broken people with a long history of bad decisions. She desperately wanted custody of the girls but she did not get it. She has a felony assault charge against her; she has already undermined the court's order for no contact less than a year after it was issued. End of story.

It would only be setting us up for failure and heartache in the future if we weren't absolutely clear with her now. I am genuinely sorry I had to hurt her feelings but, ultimately, there are two vulnerable little girls in my care who need me to be the bad guy and stand up for their safety.

It was a pretty brief visit and the next time we see her will be at Kate's 3rd Birthday party, which is also a big Adoption Celebration party. We all do better at these events. Lots going on to distract everyone. She loves the attention of being the grandma and enjoys herself.

Then, in April I'll have her visit coincide with Jane's dance recital so, again, an event to focus on rather than just sitting there. By May the weather should be nice enough to resume doing visits in parks. It's always fun to run around and play at a park. I'm going to find parks closer to where she lives and try a different park each time so the kids have something new to explore.

Once a month for this next year is doable. We may reconsider next year and continue to adjust as the girls get older but for right now this feels like the right thing to do.

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