Skip to main content

Social Media in the world of Open Adoption

Tomorrow we tell Grandma that the adoption was finalized. I've been preparing a letter we will give her that a) thanks her for continuing to be a part of their lives, b) assures her we want that to continue, and c) outlines our boundaries going forward.

I'll talk this through in person but I also wanted to give her a letter so she'd have something concrete to read if she became too emotional while we were talking and also so she could show it to others in her life who could help her understand. I've already called the Aunt and told her about the adoption finalization and she agrees this is a good plan.

One thing I waffled with is trying to manage her social media posts. On one hand it's ridiculous to even try. She can open up new accounts I don't know about--she can show people pictures she takes on her phone when she's with them in person. If she's going to have access to the girls then I cannot control what she does with that access.

On the other hand, I can at least be clear with her when I don't like something I do see. So, a few days ago I created a FB account under a pseudonym, telling her it would be the girls' page so they could communicate with her, and then friended her. She accepted the request and now I can see what she's putting up.

I scrolled through last night. First--to get this irrelevant bit off my chest--there's something sad about really messed up people posting one self-help meme after another. I've decided that's my new determination of someone's true mental health. If they're always telling you how to be a better person, they're probably not applying the advice to their own life.

Secondly, I didn't see her son listed as one of her FB friends but there were a lot of "unsavory characters", shall we say. I didn't know creating a profile pic of you posing with most of your breasts exposed while flipping the bird was such a common thing. Also guys glaring angrily as if they're about to start a fight. Seriously, if you have that many angry, slutty friends.... Yikes.

Third, yep, there was video she posted of the girls playing. And the video was fine EXCEPT that I am talking about a sensitive topic during the video! I was shocked. I remember that day and I know I had no idea she was recording a video while we were chatting. It was bizarre to hear my voice. And, why would she need to post that video? The girls were just running around, not doing anything particularly cute or even looking at the camera. So, was she intentionally capturing me talking?

I'm not going to make a big deal of it right now because it's already out there but I hope that knowing I'm seeing what she posts will be a deterrent for future questionable things. Cuz this lady has very poor judgment and could do some scary stuff in the future.

Social media is definitely going to be the hardest part of this relationship.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Lied.

For the very first time I lied to a birth family member. I've been brutally honest even when it caused an uproar. I've been honest because I was personally committed to always telling the truth. Until now. Because this lie may actually be the best way to preserve Jane's relationship with her birth family. At our last video call with Grandma Jane seemed uninterested, unengaged, not showing any real emotion. I struggled to find things to prompt her to talk about. Over the next two weeks I waited and she never asked for another call. In the third week I casually brought up the topic and she did not really respond, certainly didn't ask for another call. Finally, yesterday I point blank asked if she wanted to do a video call and she said the word yes but her whole body language said no. It was clear that she was saying yes because she thought she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. So, I took her body language rather than her words and made the decision that we...

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...

What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...