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Boundaries for Grandma

In the week after the adoption was finalized I first called Aunt (Grandma's sister, though much younger so closer to my age) and told her about it. She had some tears and big emotions and it was a long, draining phone call but one of those good-draining experiences where you hang up knowing you've shared something important and are closer to that person for it.

That same week I scheduled a visit with Grandma and gave her a letter Theo and I had written about a month before and honed over time to be as kind but clear as possible about our boundaries and plans now that the girls were officially our daughters.

I chose a letter for Grandma because she is scatter-brained in conversation and avoids any difficult topic like the plague. I knew she wouldn't really "hear" me if I tried to talk to her initially (it's also a pattern for her to "not hear" any information she doesn't want to have to follow later). But, I both began and ended the letter with a request to please let me know when she wanted to talk in person to discuss the letter because I was sure she'd have things she wanted to talk about when the girls weren't around.

In the weeks since getting the letter Grandma has sent me four rambly drunken emails boo-hooing about how sad she is that she'll "never" get to see "her girls" again and they're the "air I breathe" so she's dying inside. (I told her we'd be going from visits every two weeks to once a month--that's the focus of her complaint.) Grandma refuses to meet with me because she'd be a "bucket of tears" if we talked in person.

Last night I finally called Aunt and told her all about this. Explained the back story on all of our boundary-setting decisions articulated in the letter. Didn't make any big threats but did discuss the fact that I won't tolerate drunken emails forever and at some point if she persists she's going to lose all contact with us.

Obviously, as soon as I hung up with Aunt she called Grandma because this morning there was a new email from Grandma, this time to my personal email account I'd stupidly given her months ago when things were good, not to the separate email address we'd set up just for communicating with birth family. This one was shorter but whiny nonetheless.

Grandma is behaving like a spoiled brat who can't believe none of her tactics are getting her attention and so she must resort to worse and worse behavior, poking and prodding, until she finally gets a reaction--never once reflecting that escalating this behavior is putting her on a path to ending the relationship completely. She is the one who is going to lose the thing she says she wants most in the world.

And I feel like this is completely typical behavior for her that she has done over and over again throughout her life. I don't think she has a clue how to have a positive relationship. It's like the only thing she knows is self-sabotage and she's stuck on this path with no idea how to get off it.

In some ways her ridiculous behavior makes my response easy--I just hold the line and reiterate my boundaries. If she's being childish then I'll be the adult and model for her that adults don't give in to temper tantrums. On the other hand it's exhausting to have another kid I need to manage. And I do need to consider my words carefully. I know she's avidly looking for the slightest thing that she can claim fuels her pity party. I have to be careful not to really treat her like a child and talk down to her. But it's a tad annoying to have to use a polite, professional tone in response to a 200 word drunk-rambly email. 

I want to be patient. Theo and I talked last night and agreed this is probably the worst area of conflict we'll have. If she can pull it together and weather this and come around to our expectations for how adults communicate and stay in relationship with each other then we'll be in a better place for the long run. All future areas of disagreement will be easier because she'll know how we operate.

But if she continues to escalate and can't be appropriate then we'll give it a few more months and then cut off all communication completely. (Honestly, I do not feel the girls would miss her one bit. More and more Jane associates her with her unhappy past and obviously feels conflicted whenever she's around her. I can see the anger and confusion on Jane's face at every visit. And Kate has no real relationship with Grandma. She's a fun person who is exciting for awhile, but there isn't anything of depth there because Grandma is truly only Jane's biological grandparent and not that invested in Kate.)

So, either way I think we'll be okay a few months from now. Either the relationship will have genuinely healed or we'll be done with it altogether. After 14 months of stupid social worker chaos, this seems relatively mild in comparison.



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