I just had the most amazing talk with Jane that I need to record here so I can remember all the details.
This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate).
I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk.
I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'd done today to boss around/antagonize Kate. Then she told me that she woke up "not happy" because she had scary dreams all night. She still won't use words like mad/angry, they are taboo for some reason to her. But it was a big deal that she easily told the reason behind her actions/emotions. As little as a month ago she would've denied any feelings whatsoever and said, "I don't know," in response to every question I asked.
She told me all about her bad night's sleep and details about her dreams. It's the same things she always says. Nothing new.
I shared with her that the same thing happens to me. If I don't get enough sleep then I'm grumpy and angry the next morning. She was shocked to learn this. "You are?!?" wide-eyed response.
(Note: her internal response to feeling scared/threatened is to try to boss around Kate. Control issue? Trying to control something in her life when her dreams/fears control her sleep? Or just distraction? Getting enmeshed in conflict with an easy, familiar target to distract herself from her underlying emotions?)
From there the conversation deepened and continued. She was genuinely sharing and not trying to distract us off topic.
She said that she was never a bad girl at (birthmom's) house but is only naughty here in this house. She talked about fears. She talked about a word she said at the lunch table (she called Kate "stupid") and that she didn't know it was a bad word because (birthmom) used it when talking about Jane. She said that sometimes I get angry and then I have to say sorry to everyone later--true story. She's fascinated by the concept of an adult admitting mistakes and apologizing. She said that Theo and I don't fight (another recurring theme that is connected to wanting to live here in this house).
I let her talk awhile and then when she wound down I circled back to her statement that she wasn't a bad girl at birthmom's house. I've always tread very, very carefully to never say anything negative about her but at times like this my instinct says that Jane needs to know the reason she was taken away was because of birthmom's choices, not Jane's.
So, I said that no, Jane did do naughty things at birthmom's house, because all little kids do naughty things but that Jane didn't know they were naughty because birthmom wasn't watching. But here in this house I am a good mom and I watch all my kids all the time and it's my job to show them when they do a naughty thing so they can change and do things the right way.
Jane took this message and ran with it. She extrapolated far and wide in ways that surprised me for their maturity and depth. She adamantly agreed that I am very different than birthmom and I'm watching and I'm in charge so I keep her safe. I say, "no, you can't come in!" to strangers so the strangers can't hurt her. But, birthmom said, "yes, come in and hurt people" to strangers.
(It was all I could do not to cry when she described her birthmother's actions. Especially since I have independent corroboration that yes, the woman ran an open house to anyone who would bring her drugs...in exchange for access to anyone in her home, especially some older children who were often there. It is so deeply sickening, I can't even dwell on it. I flash back to the judge at the Termination of Parental Rights hearing saying that this was the most "shocking and sickening" case of her 12 years on the bench.)
Then Jane talked about her birth father. She described how he looked by putting her hands on her cheeks and pushing inwards and saying his cheeks were smushed in. (I've seen pictures. Yes, he was an emaciated meth addict.) And that he wore a red hat. When she said, "red hat" she turned her whole body to cower into my arms and trembled. And she repeated that I am in charge and won't let him, "come in to get me". She was so scared and clearly reliving the fear of seeing him in that hat coming towards her.
I held her and comforted her and confirmed what she was saying. While sickened and disgusted at what her parents had done to her. And the fact that Grandma who still sees the girls every two weeks is the mother of birth father and still, to this day, denies he could've done anything.
There's this web of memories and emotions that I feel Jane herself is only just starting to be old enough, and willing enough, to unravel. It has to do with lack of control and fear and being hurt in her past manifesting itself in the need to test me to see if I am in control and will keep her safe now. And to constantly reassure herself that yes, she likes/wants her new parents but somehow she still gets to be the same Jane she always has been and her identity isn't changing even as her family's identity is radically different.
There are tiny triggers. This morning when she put on socks she said, "These socks were at (birthmom's) house!" It's true, she does still have clothes from a year ago that came with her when she arrived. I instantly wanted to throw them away. Maybe I should. But, then, she won't talk about her past if I try to pretend it doesn't exist.
Very often she says something about having the same name from the time she was born and still keeping that name. It's very important to her. It's all tied up in this identity issue. I feel I'm just tapping into the beginnings of understanding her story and her thoughts about her life and who she is.
But I am so glad that she's finally talking. I have to remind myself that behavior = communication. And bossing around Kate may be about something a thousand times deeper than that surface action.
This morning she seemed quite pissy. Tiny little refusals (e.g. it's raining and I tell the kids to hurry to the car but she dawdles so everyone has to wait in the rain before we can shut the gate).
I am trying to be more cognizant of how I speak to her and what my attitude is when she makes requests of me. I feel we've been stuck in an antagonistic rut and I'm trying to break us out of it. By the time lunch rolled around I found myself snapping at her. After lunch I sent to the kids to separate rooms for quiet time, as usual, and then I grabbed a basket of the girls' unfolded laundry and took it to her room to fold and put away so we could talk.
I began by flat out saying that she seemed angry today and reminded her that it's good to use words to tell how we feel instead of being naughty to show how we feel. She immediately got it and named things she'd done today to boss around/antagonize Kate. Then she told me that she woke up "not happy" because she had scary dreams all night. She still won't use words like mad/angry, they are taboo for some reason to her. But it was a big deal that she easily told the reason behind her actions/emotions. As little as a month ago she would've denied any feelings whatsoever and said, "I don't know," in response to every question I asked.
She told me all about her bad night's sleep and details about her dreams. It's the same things she always says. Nothing new.
I shared with her that the same thing happens to me. If I don't get enough sleep then I'm grumpy and angry the next morning. She was shocked to learn this. "You are?!?" wide-eyed response.
(Note: her internal response to feeling scared/threatened is to try to boss around Kate. Control issue? Trying to control something in her life when her dreams/fears control her sleep? Or just distraction? Getting enmeshed in conflict with an easy, familiar target to distract herself from her underlying emotions?)
From there the conversation deepened and continued. She was genuinely sharing and not trying to distract us off topic.
She said that she was never a bad girl at (birthmom's) house but is only naughty here in this house. She talked about fears. She talked about a word she said at the lunch table (she called Kate "stupid") and that she didn't know it was a bad word because (birthmom) used it when talking about Jane. She said that sometimes I get angry and then I have to say sorry to everyone later--true story. She's fascinated by the concept of an adult admitting mistakes and apologizing. She said that Theo and I don't fight (another recurring theme that is connected to wanting to live here in this house).
I let her talk awhile and then when she wound down I circled back to her statement that she wasn't a bad girl at birthmom's house. I've always tread very, very carefully to never say anything negative about her but at times like this my instinct says that Jane needs to know the reason she was taken away was because of birthmom's choices, not Jane's.
So, I said that no, Jane did do naughty things at birthmom's house, because all little kids do naughty things but that Jane didn't know they were naughty because birthmom wasn't watching. But here in this house I am a good mom and I watch all my kids all the time and it's my job to show them when they do a naughty thing so they can change and do things the right way.
Jane took this message and ran with it. She extrapolated far and wide in ways that surprised me for their maturity and depth. She adamantly agreed that I am very different than birthmom and I'm watching and I'm in charge so I keep her safe. I say, "no, you can't come in!" to strangers so the strangers can't hurt her. But, birthmom said, "yes, come in and hurt people" to strangers.
(It was all I could do not to cry when she described her birthmother's actions. Especially since I have independent corroboration that yes, the woman ran an open house to anyone who would bring her drugs...in exchange for access to anyone in her home, especially some older children who were often there. It is so deeply sickening, I can't even dwell on it. I flash back to the judge at the Termination of Parental Rights hearing saying that this was the most "shocking and sickening" case of her 12 years on the bench.)
Then Jane talked about her birth father. She described how he looked by putting her hands on her cheeks and pushing inwards and saying his cheeks were smushed in. (I've seen pictures. Yes, he was an emaciated meth addict.) And that he wore a red hat. When she said, "red hat" she turned her whole body to cower into my arms and trembled. And she repeated that I am in charge and won't let him, "come in to get me". She was so scared and clearly reliving the fear of seeing him in that hat coming towards her.
I held her and comforted her and confirmed what she was saying. While sickened and disgusted at what her parents had done to her. And the fact that Grandma who still sees the girls every two weeks is the mother of birth father and still, to this day, denies he could've done anything.
There's this web of memories and emotions that I feel Jane herself is only just starting to be old enough, and willing enough, to unravel. It has to do with lack of control and fear and being hurt in her past manifesting itself in the need to test me to see if I am in control and will keep her safe now. And to constantly reassure herself that yes, she likes/wants her new parents but somehow she still gets to be the same Jane she always has been and her identity isn't changing even as her family's identity is radically different.
There are tiny triggers. This morning when she put on socks she said, "These socks were at (birthmom's) house!" It's true, she does still have clothes from a year ago that came with her when she arrived. I instantly wanted to throw them away. Maybe I should. But, then, she won't talk about her past if I try to pretend it doesn't exist.
Very often she says something about having the same name from the time she was born and still keeping that name. It's very important to her. It's all tied up in this identity issue. I feel I'm just tapping into the beginnings of understanding her story and her thoughts about her life and who she is.
But I am so glad that she's finally talking. I have to remind myself that behavior = communication. And bossing around Kate may be about something a thousand times deeper than that surface action.
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