Therapist

Today the girls went to their first session with a therapist who specializes in foster care and adoption and does play therapy with young children.

We were there for an hour and I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible so that I could observe a neutral party interacting with them. She will call me tomorrow to give her thoughts on them. I saw so much and I wonder what she will pick up on after just her first time meeting them.

• When we walked in Kate didn't see me sit behind her and when she heard the door close she shrieked in fear and whirled around looking for me, then came and buried her face in my lap and cried. Her fears about being separated from me are becoming extreme. This kind of separation cry happens at least 4-5 times a day now. It reminds me of that stage at about 4-6 months when the infant is learning that they are a separate being from their mother and becomes terrified each time they realize they're alone...so the mother ends up carrying them all day long. Feasible when they're an infant. Not so much at 34 lb toddler size.   

• Both girls started out playing sweetly together and interacting nicely with the therapist, Kim*. But little by little they tested her. When she didn't correct a small whiny or petty behavior they continued and upped the ante. Thirty minutes in Kate was shouting, "No!" at every single thing Kim said while grinning in pleased defiance. Meanwhile Jane lay on the floor, rolled around kicking everyone, and did this high-pitched shrieky-laugh that she does when overly excited and she, literally, flails about to get attention. 

• Kim started to ask, "do you notice a regression in behavior...?" and I merely said, "Yes." Upon hearing my voice, Kate swiveled around to look at me and I gave her the look and said, "Are you playing nicely?" That did it. Both girls immediately sat up, straightened up, and returned to being calm, polite girls. To her credit Kim changed her strategy and switched to non-engaging with them when they started testing again. Now the game was up and it was no fun to test her so they ended as well-behaved as they had begun. It was fascinating to me to get that glimpse into what un-parented brats they were allowed to be and that all the manners they've learned and can practice now are due to our household's routines. (And also that they have not yet internalized one damn thing.)

I couldn't help but think about the bratty behavior I see the girls, but mainly Jane, engage in when they're with grandma and aunt. She's hyper, whiny, demanding, and rude. Kate is just defiant in a don't-give-a-shit kind of attitude--but it doesn't seem planned or intentional, just generic 2-yr-old opportunism. Jane seems to truly revel in being allowed to be that girl again when she's with them. I can see her whole body rev up as we approach our meeting spots.

The therapist and I had talked before this visit so she could get some background info. I expressed then my main concern was getting advice for how to navigate the family visits, especially in light of the recent nightmares by Jane. She recommended a significant pulling back in the amount of contact. Instead of letting the girls go off alone with them, now she wants Theo and I to remain as part of the group. She also wants us to return to doing the transportation so the girls feel they're "with their safe people" all the time, as Kim put it.

I wonder what Jane is wrestling with right now. I imagine it's a multitude of conflicting emotions. I think she likes herself better when she can be calm and smart and get noticed for finding letters in books and starting to write her name and helping to put away laundry. But I think she loves the hedonistic freedom of being a total brat and getting attention that way, too.

We happened to talk about changing their middle names today. When we adopt the girls will keep their first names but we'll change their middle names. Jane was not pleased with this news. I think she was even angry. I think she, correctly, recognizes that becoming our daughter means a loss of parts of an old identity and the requirement that she adopt, partly, a new identity.That's an awful lot for a 3 yr old to cope with.

Update: Kim called me today and she confirmed all the same stuff I saw. She also firmly seconded my suspicions about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in Jane. She's really good. Finally! Someone who can actually help me!

* Names always changed for privacy.