Just had our first meeting with the Adoption social worker. Who is different than the Foster Care social worker; who is different still from our Licensing social worker. So, this is the third social worker making visits to our home now.
Guess what she brought? Paperwork.
Guess what she said before she gave me Every. Single. Form. "This is really hard to fill out...it's so confusing...I don't know why...Call me if you have any questions...I guess they changed it...It's really confusing...It's so hard...I don't know why..."
She did not know how to fill out a single form. So, why exactly, will I be calling you for help in the future if you're utterly confused about the form right now??? What magic knowledge will you acquire between then and now--short of learning how to do your job which you clearly didn't bother to learn before coming to my home in the first place???
I'm just gonna say (and I know I'm being bitchy and this is not universally true blah blah blah) but it is clear this woman went into Social Work because she could not have completed any other major. I'm betting she worked really hard to scrape out a 1.0 GPA.
I'm a special ed teacher--I recognize a cognitive deficiency when I see it. At one point the kids were playing nearby and she asked a sensitive question so I attempted to spell the one key word. She gaped at me, mouth open, confused. I spelled it again--four letters, very slowly. Same reaction. I mouthed it. She was still confused. I finally just said it.
What was the word: "safe". She could not process me spelling: S-A-F-E in the context of me saying, "Jane says she likes it here because this house is ____."
OMG!!!
And then there are the forms. Literally all the same forms we already filled out to get licensed to do foster care a year ago. Literally. Also, we need to get fingerprinted AGAIN. And the whole family needs physicals AGAIN. And references AGAIN. And copies of our driver's license and marriage certificate and birth certificates AGAIN.
There are multiple forms where I am literally writing my own name, birth date, and address twice on the same page! If the form starts by asking you to name the adoptive parents and then in the next section asks you to name the people living in the home, doesn't it make sense that you're talking about at least some of the SAME PEOPLE?!?
Okay, part of me understands that this process shouldn't be too easy. Sure, let's make sure people really are able to navigate bureaucracy before they take on kids who will be needing services. But, you know what, how about a little give and take? For every form you give me to fill out, can you then help me find a resource? For every task you give me, like taking them for a medical check-up, can you then get me access to something I need, like medical info and/or family history?
I'd just once like a social worker to actually help me instead of giving me forms to fill out while counting our fire alarms.
I'm just so annoyed with them all. Stupid little people pushing stupid little forms. Taking the girls off to their bedroom to ask stupid little questions: how do you like foster care?
Here are the requests I've made of one, if not all three, of the above social workers traipsing through our home:
1. Can you connect us with a therapist who specializes in foster-to-adopt?
2. Can you provide me with resources on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?
3. Can you help me find a dentist that accepts Medicaid?
4. How often should we take the girls to see birth family members?
5. Why do you think Jane is scared of bedtime and cries every single night?
6. How long do you think Kate will be in this hyper-attached phase where she cries every time I'm out of her sight?
7. Do you know if any birth family members are contesting the adoption?
8. At what point will we be in the clear and beyond a stage where someone can contest it?
9. When/How do we get access to the girls' medical records prior to coming to us?
10. A new insurance card appeared in the mail for just one of the girls...can you tell me what it's for? Does the other girl need one, too?
11. When will we see mommy again? (This was the question Jane asked every few days when she first came and I didn't know so when the social worker came for her monthly visit I prompted Jane to ask her because, seriously, she was the person scheduling the visits and the s.w. was furious: how dare I make her answer that question! Wait...what? Who else should Jane ask? Needless to say, I never had Jane ask her another question again. Clearly asking for information is a very bad thing and should be punished with dirty looks.)
So, how many of these questions were answered? None. Not a damn one.
Emails go unanswered. Phone calls and texts are not returned. Blank stares, shrugs, and empty promises to "get back with you on that" are the norm.
Do you know what I have gotten? Paperwork. Reminders to meet regulations. That's it. I'm wracking my brain to think of a single thing any of them have actually helped me with. I truly cannot think of one query I've made that has been met.
And not only can they not cope with my needs, they can't even do the job they show up to do. At one point the Adoption social worker handed me a flow chart showing the adoption process and then struggled to explain it and then, when I asked a question like: at what point are we beyond someone contesting it...she DID NOT KNOW.
Are you F****** kidding me?? I watched her mumble and shrug and point vaguely at two different stages on the chart, labeled as occurring from 1-4 months apart, and say it might happen sometime in here. She guesses. Maybe.
From my perspective this is the reason the foster care system is screwed up. It's the social workers. They blame the parents and the judges and the lawyers...but it's them failing to make the system work at the ground level, in the homes, where it really matters to the children and their caregivers.
Before we chose an agency I hunted down an independent parent advocacy group that is intended to monitor foster care agencies. I had lengthy conversations about what to look for. I contacted the top three recommended agencies and went through the hassle of interviewing people at each one. This process took weeks but I wanted to be so careful. We chose our agency because they had the best reputation in town! So, this is the best?
Due to my work history I have experience with kids and bureaucracy and difficult home situations. Every time I meet with one of these social workers I make a few comments or ask a few questions and they immediately turn the tables and begin making comments like: you're so insightful, you know what you're doing, etc. And every time it makes my stomach drop. I have no training and have never done this job. I shouldn't be the most capable person in this room right now.
It is deeply upsetting because if that's really true...then God help the children in all the other homes.
Guess what she brought? Paperwork.
Guess what she said before she gave me Every. Single. Form. "This is really hard to fill out...it's so confusing...I don't know why...Call me if you have any questions...I guess they changed it...It's really confusing...It's so hard...I don't know why..."
She did not know how to fill out a single form. So, why exactly, will I be calling you for help in the future if you're utterly confused about the form right now??? What magic knowledge will you acquire between then and now--short of learning how to do your job which you clearly didn't bother to learn before coming to my home in the first place???
I'm just gonna say (and I know I'm being bitchy and this is not universally true blah blah blah) but it is clear this woman went into Social Work because she could not have completed any other major. I'm betting she worked really hard to scrape out a 1.0 GPA.
I'm a special ed teacher--I recognize a cognitive deficiency when I see it. At one point the kids were playing nearby and she asked a sensitive question so I attempted to spell the one key word. She gaped at me, mouth open, confused. I spelled it again--four letters, very slowly. Same reaction. I mouthed it. She was still confused. I finally just said it.
What was the word: "safe". She could not process me spelling: S-A-F-E in the context of me saying, "Jane says she likes it here because this house is ____."
OMG!!!
And then there are the forms. Literally all the same forms we already filled out to get licensed to do foster care a year ago. Literally. Also, we need to get fingerprinted AGAIN. And the whole family needs physicals AGAIN. And references AGAIN. And copies of our driver's license and marriage certificate and birth certificates AGAIN.
There are multiple forms where I am literally writing my own name, birth date, and address twice on the same page! If the form starts by asking you to name the adoptive parents and then in the next section asks you to name the people living in the home, doesn't it make sense that you're talking about at least some of the SAME PEOPLE?!?
Okay, part of me understands that this process shouldn't be too easy. Sure, let's make sure people really are able to navigate bureaucracy before they take on kids who will be needing services. But, you know what, how about a little give and take? For every form you give me to fill out, can you then help me find a resource? For every task you give me, like taking them for a medical check-up, can you then get me access to something I need, like medical info and/or family history?
I'd just once like a social worker to actually help me instead of giving me forms to fill out while counting our fire alarms.
I'm just so annoyed with them all. Stupid little people pushing stupid little forms. Taking the girls off to their bedroom to ask stupid little questions: how do you like foster care?
Here are the requests I've made of one, if not all three, of the above social workers traipsing through our home:
1. Can you connect us with a therapist who specializes in foster-to-adopt?
2. Can you provide me with resources on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?
3. Can you help me find a dentist that accepts Medicaid?
4. How often should we take the girls to see birth family members?
5. Why do you think Jane is scared of bedtime and cries every single night?
6. How long do you think Kate will be in this hyper-attached phase where she cries every time I'm out of her sight?
7. Do you know if any birth family members are contesting the adoption?
8. At what point will we be in the clear and beyond a stage where someone can contest it?
9. When/How do we get access to the girls' medical records prior to coming to us?
10. A new insurance card appeared in the mail for just one of the girls...can you tell me what it's for? Does the other girl need one, too?
11. When will we see mommy again? (This was the question Jane asked every few days when she first came and I didn't know so when the social worker came for her monthly visit I prompted Jane to ask her because, seriously, she was the person scheduling the visits and the s.w. was furious: how dare I make her answer that question! Wait...what? Who else should Jane ask? Needless to say, I never had Jane ask her another question again. Clearly asking for information is a very bad thing and should be punished with dirty looks.)
So, how many of these questions were answered? None. Not a damn one.
Emails go unanswered. Phone calls and texts are not returned. Blank stares, shrugs, and empty promises to "get back with you on that" are the norm.
Do you know what I have gotten? Paperwork. Reminders to meet regulations. That's it. I'm wracking my brain to think of a single thing any of them have actually helped me with. I truly cannot think of one query I've made that has been met.
And not only can they not cope with my needs, they can't even do the job they show up to do. At one point the Adoption social worker handed me a flow chart showing the adoption process and then struggled to explain it and then, when I asked a question like: at what point are we beyond someone contesting it...she DID NOT KNOW.
Are you F****** kidding me?? I watched her mumble and shrug and point vaguely at two different stages on the chart, labeled as occurring from 1-4 months apart, and say it might happen sometime in here. She guesses. Maybe.
From my perspective this is the reason the foster care system is screwed up. It's the social workers. They blame the parents and the judges and the lawyers...but it's them failing to make the system work at the ground level, in the homes, where it really matters to the children and their caregivers.
Before we chose an agency I hunted down an independent parent advocacy group that is intended to monitor foster care agencies. I had lengthy conversations about what to look for. I contacted the top three recommended agencies and went through the hassle of interviewing people at each one. This process took weeks but I wanted to be so careful. We chose our agency because they had the best reputation in town! So, this is the best?
Due to my work history I have experience with kids and bureaucracy and difficult home situations. Every time I meet with one of these social workers I make a few comments or ask a few questions and they immediately turn the tables and begin making comments like: you're so insightful, you know what you're doing, etc. And every time it makes my stomach drop. I have no training and have never done this job. I shouldn't be the most capable person in this room right now.
It is deeply upsetting because if that's really true...then God help the children in all the other homes.
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