The local zoo was sponsoring a Mother's Day event so I chose that as the place we'd have our family visit with aunt, grandma, and cousins.
I waited till yesterday to tell Jane that she'd be seeing them today. Her nightmares had gradually lessened since the visit two weeks ago. Then last night she had a bad one. She couldn't sleep for several hours and only drifted off after she was sure she could reach out and touch me whenever she needed to.
I'd told grandma and aunt about the nightmares and asked them to find a way to reassure her, during their time with her today, that she was safe at my house and would not be returning to her bio mother (since fears about bio mother's house seemed to be the focus of the nightmares). I hoped hearing it from them, too, would confirm to Jane that her life is settled now and she'll no longer be bouncing around to various homes, especially hers.
At the end of the visit I asked them if they'd had a chance to talk to her. They both reassured me they had. Per their usual approach and personality, aunt came right over when I was holding Jane and put her arms around both of us to show that we're a team and reminded Jane that every time aunt takes her she will "always come back to Mama Beth's house". Meanwhile, grandma pulled me aside and was somewhat angry with me and said that after she'd told Jane that she lived with me now Jane became sad and, "just wasn't the same for the rest of the visit." Aunt has accepted that I will be parenting but grandma really hasn't. And grandma cannot cope with any authentic emotions from the kids. Everything has to be super cheerful or she falls apart.
The girls' reactions upon returning to me after their time with grandma, aunt, and cousins was interesting.
Kate is gleeful, shouting, "There's mommy!" and running the last few yards to me. Once she gets in my arms she clings to me and has to be reminded to say good-bye to them. She wants all of my attention and puts her face close to mine and physically turns her back on them. Her mood at the end of these visits seems to be, well that was fun and all but I'm glad it's over and I'd like my mama and routine back now.
Jane had an unusually strong reaction. In the past she's been either robotic or hysterically crying...nothing inbetween. This time was very different. She came right to me, her little face starting to crumple into tears for the last few steps, and buried her face in my chest. She tried to crawl right up into my arms and whimpered, "I'm cold!" I wrapped her up and held her. She was whispering and clearly did not want aunt or grandma to hear her complaint. I think she did not want them to try to meet her need.
I think she wasn't really cold. I think she was sad and overwhelmed and did not know how to express it. When she is scared in the night she will complain fearfully that she is too hot, or her pillow is too hot. The sweatiness of her nightmares seem to consume her attention more than the fear that caused it.
I gave both girls lots of cuddles and an extra long bedtime tonight. Now I wait to see...will Jane have nightmares tonight? Will she have them after every visit? Or, will hearing from them that her life is more stable now reduce the nightmares? I am so hopeful that is the case. They are heartbreaking to witness and try to comfort her through. Not to mention exhausting for us both.
Update: yes, nightmares for the next two nights. I have finally gotten us connected to a therapist and was able to describe the situation. She recommends that at future visits I, and/or Theo, remain with the group--that the girls do not have to leave us, their "safe people" as the therapist called us, in order to interact with people who bring up strong memories of the past for Jane. It makes sense; I just needed an expert to make the judgement call for me on this. I feel like anything to do with family visits puts me on shaky ground where I question my own judgement because my emotions are so strongly intertwined.
I waited till yesterday to tell Jane that she'd be seeing them today. Her nightmares had gradually lessened since the visit two weeks ago. Then last night she had a bad one. She couldn't sleep for several hours and only drifted off after she was sure she could reach out and touch me whenever she needed to.
I'd told grandma and aunt about the nightmares and asked them to find a way to reassure her, during their time with her today, that she was safe at my house and would not be returning to her bio mother (since fears about bio mother's house seemed to be the focus of the nightmares). I hoped hearing it from them, too, would confirm to Jane that her life is settled now and she'll no longer be bouncing around to various homes, especially hers.
At the end of the visit I asked them if they'd had a chance to talk to her. They both reassured me they had. Per their usual approach and personality, aunt came right over when I was holding Jane and put her arms around both of us to show that we're a team and reminded Jane that every time aunt takes her she will "always come back to Mama Beth's house". Meanwhile, grandma pulled me aside and was somewhat angry with me and said that after she'd told Jane that she lived with me now Jane became sad and, "just wasn't the same for the rest of the visit." Aunt has accepted that I will be parenting but grandma really hasn't. And grandma cannot cope with any authentic emotions from the kids. Everything has to be super cheerful or she falls apart.
The girls' reactions upon returning to me after their time with grandma, aunt, and cousins was interesting.
Kate is gleeful, shouting, "There's mommy!" and running the last few yards to me. Once she gets in my arms she clings to me and has to be reminded to say good-bye to them. She wants all of my attention and puts her face close to mine and physically turns her back on them. Her mood at the end of these visits seems to be, well that was fun and all but I'm glad it's over and I'd like my mama and routine back now.
Jane had an unusually strong reaction. In the past she's been either robotic or hysterically crying...nothing inbetween. This time was very different. She came right to me, her little face starting to crumple into tears for the last few steps, and buried her face in my chest. She tried to crawl right up into my arms and whimpered, "I'm cold!" I wrapped her up and held her. She was whispering and clearly did not want aunt or grandma to hear her complaint. I think she did not want them to try to meet her need.
I think she wasn't really cold. I think she was sad and overwhelmed and did not know how to express it. When she is scared in the night she will complain fearfully that she is too hot, or her pillow is too hot. The sweatiness of her nightmares seem to consume her attention more than the fear that caused it.
I gave both girls lots of cuddles and an extra long bedtime tonight. Now I wait to see...will Jane have nightmares tonight? Will she have them after every visit? Or, will hearing from them that her life is more stable now reduce the nightmares? I am so hopeful that is the case. They are heartbreaking to witness and try to comfort her through. Not to mention exhausting for us both.
Update: yes, nightmares for the next two nights. I have finally gotten us connected to a therapist and was able to describe the situation. She recommends that at future visits I, and/or Theo, remain with the group--that the girls do not have to leave us, their "safe people" as the therapist called us, in order to interact with people who bring up strong memories of the past for Jane. It makes sense; I just needed an expert to make the judgement call for me on this. I feel like anything to do with family visits puts me on shaky ground where I question my own judgement because my emotions are so strongly intertwined.
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