Spring is really here. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, my children are outside playing in the dirt every second of the day. I'm getting yard projects crossed off my list, we're having fires outside just because we don't want to come back in the house. Everyone is going to bed with sore muscles and clear minds.
And Jane, like a shy flower, is blossoming at last! A few weeks ago she began earnestly "helping" around the house. It's only things that a 4-yr-old can do but she does it all on her own without prompting and is so deeply proud of herself that it's absolutely endearing. I hug her and kiss the top of her head and thank her genuinely. She beams. It's lovely.
I love it when she has her own idea instead of copying someone else. I love it when she focuses and completes a task. I love having something to genuinely praise her for. The day she organized all the shoes on the porch into neat pairs nearly made me cry with happiness--finally, a child who wants an orderly house! Hallelujah!
Last night I was working in the yard constructing a wooden box to hold our firewood. I'm using old wood that came out of our attic because I want to be more conscious about reusing things. I'm even pounding out and, when possible, using the 100-yr-old nails from these boards. It's a good project I'm enjoying but fitting together irregular wood takes some concentration. Jane was there with me, one of those rare evenings when the other littles had each gone to bed early. She wanted to help so I let her tag along as I moved from yard to garage, measuring and cutting, then nailing boards into place. Although I could've placed the nails within my reach I put them on a bench and then "needed" her to bring me nails.
And it was just...easy. It was a kid underfoot, chattering about little kid things, while I worked. It was exactly like my memories of being around my parents when I was a child. Tagging along with dad around the farm. Being with my mom in the kitchen. Simple, easy, happy being together. My ideal of parenting life.
Later I was pondering why it felt different, so much less stressful, to have her around me and I came to two conclusions. First, I'm so much less stressed. Unstressed parenting means mindful parenting. I had nothing bothering me, nothing distracting me, from being simply present with her. I was thinking about measuring and cutting boards...nothing more than that. So her little sayings were cute and entertaining. Watching her thought process as she asked questions about what I was doing was endearing. Her happiness when helping made me smile.
Second, she has really settled these last few weeks. The quarantine has actually been good for her. Not seeing birth family. Living the most predictably stable life possible. Everyone is here all the time. There is nothing to worry about. Life is about as simple as it possibly could be. So many of her most worrisome behaviors are fading away. The chaotic play is decreasing. She isn't so competitive with the other little kids, or as prone to hide things. She's less stressed about food. She can take a correction for a minor thing without it cascading to a major behavioral event.
So, is this what I would say to families? You can't really bond until every last bit of stress is gone? Your child cannot settle into your home until they have no contact with birth family whatsoever? You can't parent well until you can live an unstressed life?
I don't know anyone who could pull off all those requirements while a child is in foster care, or even just while the average family lives their normal life. But I wish I'd known this stage was coming to our family. I wish I'd known that (ironically while the whole world is sick) we'd have this time of sheltering together and healing together. That our lives would become as simplified as they possibly could be and in this simplicity there would be growth, and bonding, and love.
For the very first time I feel my smile in my eyes, not just forced upon my lips, when she looks at me and says, "Mama?". I feel my heart smiling back.
And Jane, like a shy flower, is blossoming at last! A few weeks ago she began earnestly "helping" around the house. It's only things that a 4-yr-old can do but she does it all on her own without prompting and is so deeply proud of herself that it's absolutely endearing. I hug her and kiss the top of her head and thank her genuinely. She beams. It's lovely.
I love it when she has her own idea instead of copying someone else. I love it when she focuses and completes a task. I love having something to genuinely praise her for. The day she organized all the shoes on the porch into neat pairs nearly made me cry with happiness--finally, a child who wants an orderly house! Hallelujah!
Last night I was working in the yard constructing a wooden box to hold our firewood. I'm using old wood that came out of our attic because I want to be more conscious about reusing things. I'm even pounding out and, when possible, using the 100-yr-old nails from these boards. It's a good project I'm enjoying but fitting together irregular wood takes some concentration. Jane was there with me, one of those rare evenings when the other littles had each gone to bed early. She wanted to help so I let her tag along as I moved from yard to garage, measuring and cutting, then nailing boards into place. Although I could've placed the nails within my reach I put them on a bench and then "needed" her to bring me nails.
And it was just...easy. It was a kid underfoot, chattering about little kid things, while I worked. It was exactly like my memories of being around my parents when I was a child. Tagging along with dad around the farm. Being with my mom in the kitchen. Simple, easy, happy being together. My ideal of parenting life.
Later I was pondering why it felt different, so much less stressful, to have her around me and I came to two conclusions. First, I'm so much less stressed. Unstressed parenting means mindful parenting. I had nothing bothering me, nothing distracting me, from being simply present with her. I was thinking about measuring and cutting boards...nothing more than that. So her little sayings were cute and entertaining. Watching her thought process as she asked questions about what I was doing was endearing. Her happiness when helping made me smile.
Second, she has really settled these last few weeks. The quarantine has actually been good for her. Not seeing birth family. Living the most predictably stable life possible. Everyone is here all the time. There is nothing to worry about. Life is about as simple as it possibly could be. So many of her most worrisome behaviors are fading away. The chaotic play is decreasing. She isn't so competitive with the other little kids, or as prone to hide things. She's less stressed about food. She can take a correction for a minor thing without it cascading to a major behavioral event.
So, is this what I would say to families? You can't really bond until every last bit of stress is gone? Your child cannot settle into your home until they have no contact with birth family whatsoever? You can't parent well until you can live an unstressed life?
I don't know anyone who could pull off all those requirements while a child is in foster care, or even just while the average family lives their normal life. But I wish I'd known this stage was coming to our family. I wish I'd known that (ironically while the whole world is sick) we'd have this time of sheltering together and healing together. That our lives would become as simplified as they possibly could be and in this simplicity there would be growth, and bonding, and love.
For the very first time I feel my smile in my eyes, not just forced upon my lips, when she looks at me and says, "Mama?". I feel my heart smiling back.
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