Skip to main content

Moving On in Order to Bond

Today I was snuggling Kate at a random moment during the day. She asks me to hold her at least 5-10 times per day. It's usually for just a few minutes. Sometimes I feel like a human heater--that she just needs a moment to warm up before dashing off pell mell. Or maybe a human charger--she needs to re-energize?

So, this morning I was holding her and something she said led me to, out of the blue, ask her if she wanted to see Grandma. She said no. We talked a bit more and she was sad but clear in her thoughts. When I asked her why she didn't want to see Grandma anymore she said, "Because I want to always stay here with you." Which, from a 3 yr old, is about the clearest definition of bonding I can think of.

Now, of course I take all this with a grain of salt. She's only 3 and has a personality that's prone to please. She can be easily swayed to say absolutely anything. And, she could change her mind tomorrow. If Grandma pulled up in her car and said, "wanna go to the park with me?" Kate would jump in and go without hesitation.

But I was really careful in how I phrased it and how neutral my tone was because I want to hear her thoughts and I want her to know she can always speak her mind to me. So, I brought this up as casually as if I was asking her if she preferred spaghetti or hot dogs. And Kate seemed thoughtful but not stressed when responding. I think her answer reflects what she's feeling, what I'm feeling, what our whole family is experiencing--that this is the time to connect deeply without distractions.

If Kate had been boisterous and over-the-top in a declaration of love for me I wouldn't have believed her. I would've thought she was trying to say what she thought I wanted to hear. But there was something about her sadness, her quiet thoughtfulness, that told me these are her genuine feelings. Sometimes you have to let go in order to move on.

This afternoon all the kids and I were in the living room together. Just hanging out; no purpose. I watched the three littles climb all over Seth and Gus. At one point Kate was sitting on the back of the couch playing with Seth's hair (which has gotten ridiculously long during the shut down) and he didn't even hardly notice. There's a familiarity now that's deepening every day.

Today is Mother's Day. I was feeling guilty about not doing anything for Aunt and Grandma since I had sweet little magnets made up last year with the girls' pictures on them. We all met at the zoo and the girls went off with them for a fun day. It was a big deal last year. Now this year--nothing.

But, honestly, why was I feeling guilt? Image. I don't like how this looks. Oh, so the adoption is finalized and suddenly they hear nothing from us? Well, yes, that's factually true. But not because of me. I'm not cutting off girls who are desperate to see their family. Instead, I'm reluctantly following the lead of a 3 and 4.5 yr old as best I can, trying to decipher their actions and moods to determine what they need and want. I'm fully aware that I'll take the blame for this and I don't like it one bit. If I had my choice we'd still be in picture-perfect contact every two weeks like regular. But, since I am now their mother this is the role I have--to protect them and shield them from others even to the point of not telling those "others" that the girls don't want to see them.

I do still send pictures very regularly--about 20 to 30 each month showing a wide variety of things they do. And, this morning I sent a little video of the girls singing a song. I did not tell the girls "this is for Grandma!" or prompt them to say, "hi Grandma!" during the video as I would have in the past. But I knew why I was taking the recording when I asked them if they wanted to record a song on my phone.

So this is me letting go in order to move on. I have to set aside the fear of Grandma's reaction to my choices. I cannot mange her emotions. She's known me for over a year now. At this point either she believes I'm acting in the girls' best interests or she doesn't. 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What Chronic Lying Does to a Relationship

 We got through Christmas. It was fine. Jane held it together better than I thought she would. We went to an AirBnB for four days between Christmas and New Year. That was my gift to the rest of the family instead of presents. I gave Theo a break from everything--he did no meals or childcare. It was good. He got to rest and I took the kids to have fun experiences.  Now we're back to normal. The normal that is now our family. Everyone seems happy; content.  But then, two days ago, there was this tiny interaction between Jane and I that illustrates, for me, how broken our relationship is.  She's been complaining that her room is too hot. First, we closed the heat vent to her room. Then, I gave her several blankets so she has options for how warm she wants her bed to be. She has many types of pajamas and she can choose whatever she wants to wear. Her room is frigid compared to the rest of the house. Still, she complains. I think at this point it's just a thing with her--...

Family Visit Success!

Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long. Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat. And it all worked! Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved! Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to f...

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...