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Moving On in Order to Bond

Today I was snuggling Kate at a random moment during the day. She asks me to hold her at least 5-10 times per day. It's usually for just a few minutes. Sometimes I feel like a human heater--that she just needs a moment to warm up before dashing off pell mell. Or maybe a human charger--she needs to re-energize?

So, this morning I was holding her and something she said led me to, out of the blue, ask her if she wanted to see Grandma. She said no. We talked a bit more and she was sad but clear in her thoughts. When I asked her why she didn't want to see Grandma anymore she said, "Because I want to always stay here with you." Which, from a 3 yr old, is about the clearest definition of bonding I can think of.

Now, of course I take all this with a grain of salt. She's only 3 and has a personality that's prone to please. She can be easily swayed to say absolutely anything. And, she could change her mind tomorrow. If Grandma pulled up in her car and said, "wanna go to the park with me?" Kate would jump in and go without hesitation.

But I was really careful in how I phrased it and how neutral my tone was because I want to hear her thoughts and I want her to know she can always speak her mind to me. So, I brought this up as casually as if I was asking her if she preferred spaghetti or hot dogs. And Kate seemed thoughtful but not stressed when responding. I think her answer reflects what she's feeling, what I'm feeling, what our whole family is experiencing--that this is the time to connect deeply without distractions.

If Kate had been boisterous and over-the-top in a declaration of love for me I wouldn't have believed her. I would've thought she was trying to say what she thought I wanted to hear. But there was something about her sadness, her quiet thoughtfulness, that told me these are her genuine feelings. Sometimes you have to let go in order to move on.

This afternoon all the kids and I were in the living room together. Just hanging out; no purpose. I watched the three littles climb all over Seth and Gus. At one point Kate was sitting on the back of the couch playing with Seth's hair (which has gotten ridiculously long during the shut down) and he didn't even hardly notice. There's a familiarity now that's deepening every day.

Today is Mother's Day. I was feeling guilty about not doing anything for Aunt and Grandma since I had sweet little magnets made up last year with the girls' pictures on them. We all met at the zoo and the girls went off with them for a fun day. It was a big deal last year. Now this year--nothing.

But, honestly, why was I feeling guilt? Image. I don't like how this looks. Oh, so the adoption is finalized and suddenly they hear nothing from us? Well, yes, that's factually true. But not because of me. I'm not cutting off girls who are desperate to see their family. Instead, I'm reluctantly following the lead of a 3 and 4.5 yr old as best I can, trying to decipher their actions and moods to determine what they need and want. I'm fully aware that I'll take the blame for this and I don't like it one bit. If I had my choice we'd still be in picture-perfect contact every two weeks like regular. But, since I am now their mother this is the role I have--to protect them and shield them from others even to the point of not telling those "others" that the girls don't want to see them.

I do still send pictures very regularly--about 20 to 30 each month showing a wide variety of things they do. And, this morning I sent a little video of the girls singing a song. I did not tell the girls "this is for Grandma!" or prompt them to say, "hi Grandma!" during the video as I would have in the past. But I knew why I was taking the recording when I asked them if they wanted to record a song on my phone.

So this is me letting go in order to move on. I have to set aside the fear of Grandma's reaction to my choices. I cannot mange her emotions. She's known me for over a year now. At this point either she believes I'm acting in the girls' best interests or she doesn't. 


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