Jane was super cuddly today. The weather turned hot and we don't yet have the window AC units in so bedrooms were too warm last night and nobody slept well. Today was a lethargic day.
I was quite busy with work and dr appts so didn't really have time for Jane till evening. At bedtime we had fans set up in windows and she and I were sprawled on her bed talking and enjoying the breeze, when Jane began to talk about Leah, her first mother, as we call her.
Her speech is all over the place. Sometimes she uses pronouns "we" and "you" to differentiate between Leah's house and our house. For example, she said, "we have only two cartoons: Robot GoBot and Paw Patrol but you have lots and lots of cartoons." That present tense 'we have' cut me to the quick.
But then in her next sentence she says she loves me most and Leah "only a little" because Leah was "mean" and "didn't feed us a lot, she fed us sometimes but not all the time". She says this while hugging me tightly and tucking her head under my chin.
I let Jane say the negative things without correction--a) because they're her memories, not mine, and b) because she has the right to say the truth about adults even when that truth is difficult.
But after we talk about the ways Leah was mean Jane switches moods and gets teary and says she loves her and misses her first mother. I also acknowledge that. And today it occurred to me to add a new layer to help Jane navigate a future understanding of being adopted. I told Jane that we can always pray for people we miss and love, even when we miss them because they aren't safe to be around anymore.
Then I talked about her "old life" and her "new life" and I said that some people from her old life had to stay there and they couldn't be a part of her new life but she could always talk about and pray for those people from her old life. I hope this concept can help her put things in the past, feel more settled as a part of our family, and begin to separate herself from those unhealthy people in her past.
Ultimately, to be happy and healthy, I feel Jane must view herself as a different kind of person than her mother was. I don't want her to identify with Leah when she is an adult. I don't want her to feel doomed to go down the same path. I also really don't want her stuck in a place of anger when thinking about her neglect and abuse.
I want to teach her the first steps of forgiveness. She needs to compartmentalize and separate her identity from what was done to her and from the identities of her first parents. She needs to cast herself as actor--by choosing forgiveness--rather than as a victim of abuse. But I don't believe forgetting or excusing are necessary parts of forgiveness. Jane can always grieve the loss of her mother and miss her, even while acknowledging that Leah was not a good mother and in need of Jane's prayers.
Tonight Jane showed me the clear skin on her legs and pointed out that she didn't have any more owies anymore. Then she talked about how she used to pick and scratch at her own skin. It's been months since she's done any kind of self-harm. She was so happy and clear-eyed and peaceful as she talked to me about what she used to do. She clearly understood those behaviors were in the past. I think she feels this shift from "old life" to "new life" very clearly.
I came down pretty hard on Jane when she began self-harming in earnest. I absolutely forbade her to harm herself and followed through with punishments if she did. I'm sure few would recommend this parenting strategy. But here is the result--a girl who is growing in confidence and happiness every day. She summed it all up in her own words today. She said, "Mama Leah didn't take care of us and teach us but you DO! You teach us all the time and watch us all the time and take care of us!" Then she beamed up at me and cuddled into my arms and said, "and I love you".
This poor, neglected, unformed, scared and confused child. She needed someone to form her. It's been a year and a half of forming and I'm sure we have many more years to go but I love the signs of growth that are there.
I was quite busy with work and dr appts so didn't really have time for Jane till evening. At bedtime we had fans set up in windows and she and I were sprawled on her bed talking and enjoying the breeze, when Jane began to talk about Leah, her first mother, as we call her.
Her speech is all over the place. Sometimes she uses pronouns "we" and "you" to differentiate between Leah's house and our house. For example, she said, "we have only two cartoons: Robot GoBot and Paw Patrol but you have lots and lots of cartoons." That present tense 'we have' cut me to the quick.
But then in her next sentence she says she loves me most and Leah "only a little" because Leah was "mean" and "didn't feed us a lot, she fed us sometimes but not all the time". She says this while hugging me tightly and tucking her head under my chin.
I let Jane say the negative things without correction--a) because they're her memories, not mine, and b) because she has the right to say the truth about adults even when that truth is difficult.
But after we talk about the ways Leah was mean Jane switches moods and gets teary and says she loves her and misses her first mother. I also acknowledge that. And today it occurred to me to add a new layer to help Jane navigate a future understanding of being adopted. I told Jane that we can always pray for people we miss and love, even when we miss them because they aren't safe to be around anymore.
Then I talked about her "old life" and her "new life" and I said that some people from her old life had to stay there and they couldn't be a part of her new life but she could always talk about and pray for those people from her old life. I hope this concept can help her put things in the past, feel more settled as a part of our family, and begin to separate herself from those unhealthy people in her past.
Ultimately, to be happy and healthy, I feel Jane must view herself as a different kind of person than her mother was. I don't want her to identify with Leah when she is an adult. I don't want her to feel doomed to go down the same path. I also really don't want her stuck in a place of anger when thinking about her neglect and abuse.
I want to teach her the first steps of forgiveness. She needs to compartmentalize and separate her identity from what was done to her and from the identities of her first parents. She needs to cast herself as actor--by choosing forgiveness--rather than as a victim of abuse. But I don't believe forgetting or excusing are necessary parts of forgiveness. Jane can always grieve the loss of her mother and miss her, even while acknowledging that Leah was not a good mother and in need of Jane's prayers.
Tonight Jane showed me the clear skin on her legs and pointed out that she didn't have any more owies anymore. Then she talked about how she used to pick and scratch at her own skin. It's been months since she's done any kind of self-harm. She was so happy and clear-eyed and peaceful as she talked to me about what she used to do. She clearly understood those behaviors were in the past. I think she feels this shift from "old life" to "new life" very clearly.
I came down pretty hard on Jane when she began self-harming in earnest. I absolutely forbade her to harm herself and followed through with punishments if she did. I'm sure few would recommend this parenting strategy. But here is the result--a girl who is growing in confidence and happiness every day. She summed it all up in her own words today. She said, "Mama Leah didn't take care of us and teach us but you DO! You teach us all the time and watch us all the time and take care of us!" Then she beamed up at me and cuddled into my arms and said, "and I love you".
This poor, neglected, unformed, scared and confused child. She needed someone to form her. It's been a year and a half of forming and I'm sure we have many more years to go but I love the signs of growth that are there.
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