Why is tentativeness annoying? For the past week or so Jane has entered his scaredy cat/hovering/tentative demeanor that drives me crazy.
It's hard to define exactly how her behavior differs and why it's annoying and yet it's so, so real. It really is. Here's an example. About 30 minutes ago, after kids and dog and cats were fed and pottied and dressed and started on their day, I sat down on one side of our loveseat/double recliner and began working on my laptop. Jane immediately crawled up into the other recliner and began leaning over the console so her head was hovering less than an inch from my shoulder. She was mouth breathing all over me and staring at my screen (which was just text as I was working on a document).
I'm working hard on being patient and kind when correcting her. So, with a neutral tone I said something like, "this is mama's time to work. I need some space when I work. You can be near me but please sit in your chair and don't lean over to look at my screen. I look at my work; you look at yours." I try to be extremely explicit when giving her directions because she needs black/white rules. I have to tell her where to sit and what to look at--it's not enough to use phrases like, "give me space" although I hope that by using a phrase plus giving concrete examples of what it means, eventually she'll understand.
For the full 30 min Jane could barely contain herself. She kept inching closer and leaning over. Again, it's just plain text on my screen! There's no video or even pictures to look at! And the incessant hovering! It reminded me of riding in the car with my siblings when we were kids and mom said, "stop touching each other!" but then my brother would hold his finger just an inch from my leg so he technically wasn't touching me and yet it was SO ANNOYING, looking down and seeing him almost touching me but not quite. Like a form of torture.
While Jane is doing her hovering thing James and Kate are doing their typical things. Mostly playing, sometimes bringing something to me. Touching me to climb up and show me something, or leaning across my legs propped up on the footrest for a little break, or even holding my foot. All normal interactions they do all day long. I have kids climbing all over me all day long and it's normal. Doesn't really bother me. I understand kids need physical contact and someone coming over for a one minute lean-in and back-pat is just part of my life (but also why I parent them for 12 hours a day but then insist on a 7pm to 7am bedtime for a 12 hour break for me).
So Jane is hovering and watching James and Kate touch me. But she can't be like them. She can't just boisterously, confidently come and take what she needs. No, she has to do this hyper-tentative act that, after 14 months of living in my home and seeing how kids get attention, feels manipulative. It feels like she wants me to notice her scaredy cat stance and acknowledge it and feed into it and make it a big thing.
And I refuse to. If there were no other kids her age modeling the way we touch in our home then I'd feel more sympathy for her. If she hadn't had extended periods of normal, confident, non-manipulative touch and interactions over the past year I'd feel sympathy.
But the fact is that this is just an act she's begun putting on for the last week or so. It's not the norm for her or the other kids in our house.
I wonder if I should explore why she's doing this and attempt to address her needs. But one thing I've noticed with her is that she is far better at articulating her emotions/needs/experiences AFTER the fact. I think that, in another few days, when this behavior hasn't worked to get her extra attention from me and she's gone back to normal interactions then I can bring it up and she'll be able to clearly talk it through. My instinct is that if I ask about it right now it only feeds into it and confirms she should use unhealthy methods to get attention.
She's an incessant attention-seeker. Ignoring a negative behavior is highly effective in correcting her actions. She will always, always, always be seeking the next way to get attention, never content with the amount of attention she already has. The upside to her constant attention-seeking is that she rapidly moves on from one behavior to another when something doesn't work.
(But it's hard to remember that in the moment when she's leaning over and mouth breathing in my ear.) It helps me to write this all out in order to work through what she's doing by recording my observations.
So, before I began writing this I got fed up with her hovering and shooed her off to go play. At first she stood around and pouted. Then she went and stole a toy from James. She needed a threat of being sent to her room before she settled down and began playing constructively. For the past 10 minutes she's been building a GeoTrax train track and running trains all over the living room floor. She's engaged both James and Kate and now everyone is helping to build the track and run the trains.
So, the event is done. But it's hard for me to move on. I don't like not liking her. I don't know if she holds that experience as a negative in her mind. I know that I do hold the tension of being annoyed but trying to remain patient in my body. The result is that I just feel that much less welcoming to her at our next interaction.
Theo and I are having daily conversations where we compare our experiences. We keep trying to suss out why she does what she does, how best to address her behaviors, how much progress we feel we are making, etc. At the end of every conversation we end in a place where Theo says this is all learned behavior and we can help her unlearn and relearn and everything will be fine in the end. At the end of every conversation I maintain that this is her personality--she's just like her grandma and father (always-the-victim types)--and while we can give her tips and strategies ultimately this is who she is. Kate has a different father and a whole different personality.
I'm not really loving conducting a decades-long sociology experiment within my own home.
It's hard to define exactly how her behavior differs and why it's annoying and yet it's so, so real. It really is. Here's an example. About 30 minutes ago, after kids and dog and cats were fed and pottied and dressed and started on their day, I sat down on one side of our loveseat/double recliner and began working on my laptop. Jane immediately crawled up into the other recliner and began leaning over the console so her head was hovering less than an inch from my shoulder. She was mouth breathing all over me and staring at my screen (which was just text as I was working on a document).
I'm working hard on being patient and kind when correcting her. So, with a neutral tone I said something like, "this is mama's time to work. I need some space when I work. You can be near me but please sit in your chair and don't lean over to look at my screen. I look at my work; you look at yours." I try to be extremely explicit when giving her directions because she needs black/white rules. I have to tell her where to sit and what to look at--it's not enough to use phrases like, "give me space" although I hope that by using a phrase plus giving concrete examples of what it means, eventually she'll understand.
For the full 30 min Jane could barely contain herself. She kept inching closer and leaning over. Again, it's just plain text on my screen! There's no video or even pictures to look at! And the incessant hovering! It reminded me of riding in the car with my siblings when we were kids and mom said, "stop touching each other!" but then my brother would hold his finger just an inch from my leg so he technically wasn't touching me and yet it was SO ANNOYING, looking down and seeing him almost touching me but not quite. Like a form of torture.
While Jane is doing her hovering thing James and Kate are doing their typical things. Mostly playing, sometimes bringing something to me. Touching me to climb up and show me something, or leaning across my legs propped up on the footrest for a little break, or even holding my foot. All normal interactions they do all day long. I have kids climbing all over me all day long and it's normal. Doesn't really bother me. I understand kids need physical contact and someone coming over for a one minute lean-in and back-pat is just part of my life (but also why I parent them for 12 hours a day but then insist on a 7pm to 7am bedtime for a 12 hour break for me).
So Jane is hovering and watching James and Kate touch me. But she can't be like them. She can't just boisterously, confidently come and take what she needs. No, she has to do this hyper-tentative act that, after 14 months of living in my home and seeing how kids get attention, feels manipulative. It feels like she wants me to notice her scaredy cat stance and acknowledge it and feed into it and make it a big thing.
And I refuse to. If there were no other kids her age modeling the way we touch in our home then I'd feel more sympathy for her. If she hadn't had extended periods of normal, confident, non-manipulative touch and interactions over the past year I'd feel sympathy.
But the fact is that this is just an act she's begun putting on for the last week or so. It's not the norm for her or the other kids in our house.
I wonder if I should explore why she's doing this and attempt to address her needs. But one thing I've noticed with her is that she is far better at articulating her emotions/needs/experiences AFTER the fact. I think that, in another few days, when this behavior hasn't worked to get her extra attention from me and she's gone back to normal interactions then I can bring it up and she'll be able to clearly talk it through. My instinct is that if I ask about it right now it only feeds into it and confirms she should use unhealthy methods to get attention.
She's an incessant attention-seeker. Ignoring a negative behavior is highly effective in correcting her actions. She will always, always, always be seeking the next way to get attention, never content with the amount of attention she already has. The upside to her constant attention-seeking is that she rapidly moves on from one behavior to another when something doesn't work.
(But it's hard to remember that in the moment when she's leaning over and mouth breathing in my ear.) It helps me to write this all out in order to work through what she's doing by recording my observations.
So, before I began writing this I got fed up with her hovering and shooed her off to go play. At first she stood around and pouted. Then she went and stole a toy from James. She needed a threat of being sent to her room before she settled down and began playing constructively. For the past 10 minutes she's been building a GeoTrax train track and running trains all over the living room floor. She's engaged both James and Kate and now everyone is helping to build the track and run the trains.
So, the event is done. But it's hard for me to move on. I don't like not liking her. I don't know if she holds that experience as a negative in her mind. I know that I do hold the tension of being annoyed but trying to remain patient in my body. The result is that I just feel that much less welcoming to her at our next interaction.
Theo and I are having daily conversations where we compare our experiences. We keep trying to suss out why she does what she does, how best to address her behaviors, how much progress we feel we are making, etc. At the end of every conversation we end in a place where Theo says this is all learned behavior and we can help her unlearn and relearn and everything will be fine in the end. At the end of every conversation I maintain that this is her personality--she's just like her grandma and father (always-the-victim types)--and while we can give her tips and strategies ultimately this is who she is. Kate has a different father and a whole different personality.
I'm not really loving conducting a decades-long sociology experiment within my own home.
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