Yesterday a good friend messaged me to ask questions about foster care. She and her husband are considering it, as I already knew, and she wanted to get my opinion on it.
She said, in part, "...Knowing everything that you know now, would you do foster care again? I know that’s a hard question because it’s impossible not to recognize that’s where your daughters came from."
I have no problem whatsoever in airing my opinion and was about to jump in with my list of top things the foster care agency doesn't tell you...but my eyes could not leave that second sentence.
Because...? Why? I felt so conflicted absorbing her thoughts.
I didn't wrestle with any of the above and instead waved it all away with an easy "yes" because there is no other logical answer to give. This is where we are. We made the decision. We went through the process. We knew we didn't know and we chose to leap anyway. At this point it is way too late to wonder what if.
Am I pissed off and annoyed at how hard life is these days? Yes. Do I regret bringing the girls here? No; but only because I just don't do regret.
Not about the big stuff anyway. Everyone's life has twists and turns. We chose to buy this house and I'm annoyed it has a wet basement. But do I regret this decision? Eh. Every house has some flaw. If the only path to non-regrets was perfection I'd be stuck in a regret-filled life.
Actually, as I sit here thinking about my life yes, I do have one regret. I made a bad business decision long, long ago when I was in business for myself because I listened to the wrong person. I regret asking and taking that person's advice. I should've known better. So, yes, in areas where I could've been smarter with something as objective as money I have regrets.
But you can't regret your life. I can't regret big things like who my children and husband are, or what my childhood was like, or key people who've affected my career, or even peripheral factors like who our neighbors are. You can't regret people.
As I worked through all of this in my head while responding to her question, I also reflected on what I know about me. Truth is, if we hadn't done foster care we would've done something else equally big and ill-advised. I'm just a little too easily bored with the status quo. Maybe I should've chosen a more challenging career. Maybe I should've married one of those men who's always restless and wants to move every few years.
But I have equal parts in me craving stability and challenge. And so we brought this challenge into our stable home. Too late to reconsider now. We're in for better or for worse. I was absolutely frozen in terror the night before my wedding. But then calm and resolute driving away from the wedding. No regrets.
She said, in part, "...Knowing everything that you know now, would you do foster care again? I know that’s a hard question because it’s impossible not to recognize that’s where your daughters came from."
I have no problem whatsoever in airing my opinion and was about to jump in with my list of top things the foster care agency doesn't tell you...but my eyes could not leave that second sentence.
Because...? Why? I felt so conflicted absorbing her thoughts.
- Should I be offended that someone was politely opening the door for me to own up to the fact that I have regrets?
- Should I just come out and say, no, really, that's okay, I don't really think of them as my daughters yet anyway, no offense taken!
- Am I supposed to get to the point in my life where I feel more comfortable hiding or negating these girls' pasts?
- Will I ever get to the point where I love them so deeply and absolutely that I shudder to think of the path not taken if we hadn't done foster care?
I didn't wrestle with any of the above and instead waved it all away with an easy "yes" because there is no other logical answer to give. This is where we are. We made the decision. We went through the process. We knew we didn't know and we chose to leap anyway. At this point it is way too late to wonder what if.
Am I pissed off and annoyed at how hard life is these days? Yes. Do I regret bringing the girls here? No; but only because I just don't do regret.
Not about the big stuff anyway. Everyone's life has twists and turns. We chose to buy this house and I'm annoyed it has a wet basement. But do I regret this decision? Eh. Every house has some flaw. If the only path to non-regrets was perfection I'd be stuck in a regret-filled life.
Actually, as I sit here thinking about my life yes, I do have one regret. I made a bad business decision long, long ago when I was in business for myself because I listened to the wrong person. I regret asking and taking that person's advice. I should've known better. So, yes, in areas where I could've been smarter with something as objective as money I have regrets.
But you can't regret your life. I can't regret big things like who my children and husband are, or what my childhood was like, or key people who've affected my career, or even peripheral factors like who our neighbors are. You can't regret people.
As I worked through all of this in my head while responding to her question, I also reflected on what I know about me. Truth is, if we hadn't done foster care we would've done something else equally big and ill-advised. I'm just a little too easily bored with the status quo. Maybe I should've chosen a more challenging career. Maybe I should've married one of those men who's always restless and wants to move every few years.
But I have equal parts in me craving stability and challenge. And so we brought this challenge into our stable home. Too late to reconsider now. We're in for better or for worse. I was absolutely frozen in terror the night before my wedding. But then calm and resolute driving away from the wedding. No regrets.
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