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A Very Normal Lie

 It's been several weeks since The Big Consequence of losing a toy if Jane lies was enacted. After that first day when we took two trips she hadn't had another incident. It felt miraculous; and tentative. 

But, also, it was wondrous to see her finally blooming. I feel like she's become happier by the day. Now that she herself has finally decided to live an honest and open life she's so much more affectionate and healthy in her interactions. No more always trying to monitor everything so she could gauge how to respond; always guarding her true feelings. 

I also think she's become more resilient. If I do have to discipline her for something now it feels like she can bounce back and return to a calm, connected state quicker. I used to worry that one incident could send her reeling for days--and always with the looming fear that she'd do something harmful in retaliation. Now, if she forgets to put her shoes away I can tell her and it's no big deal. 

So, after weeks of getting close to a normal life, Jane did tell a lie. But, it was so normal! I could not then, nor now, get angry about it. 

She broke a cup while doing dishes. Something every human has done at some point. Then, she did what millions of kids have done--she tried to hide it. It was exactly the kind of problematic, but understandable, response any kid might have. Of course the kid has to be taught not to cover up mistakes, especially the ones that could hurt someone, but that's a normal lesson all kids need to learn. 

I knew something was up because all of a sudden she went flying to her room and seemed to be hiding. Then she was avoiding me for about an hour. I asked her if something had happened and she gave a stupid lie response but I couldn't prove it was a lie so I let it go. The next morning we found the shard of glass (hidden behind the fruit bowl--yikes for the next person reaching for an apple!) and also found the broken glass in the cupboard with the broken side turned away (so that Gus, reaching for it, put his fingertips on the broken edge, but luckily didn't cut himself). 

Weirdly, all three little kids had helped do dishes the day before at some point so we truly didn't know who'd broken the glass. I brought them together asked them to tell the truth and she spoke up immediately. I was so proud of her! I spent more time praising her for telling the truth than I did talking about anything else!

We did have to take a trip to Goodwill to get rid of an item. I chose her summer sandals because she loves them but I know she's about to stop using them with the weather change anyway so it was kind of the perfect item that has some meaning, but whose loss was coming anyway. I explained that she had lied the night before when I'd caught her hiding in her room so that lie led to losing an item. But, I also repeated how proud of her I was for coming forward when directly asked. 

I don't expect perfect kids and I know she'll make mistakes like any of our other children but if we've finally moved beyond trauma-induced, bonding-rejecting, stupid and meaningless lies, and into the realm of normal childhood experiences lies then I'm perfectly fine with that.

I don't want to crow too loudly. She certainly isn't "fixed" for once and for all by any means. Our therapist reminded me that she'll likely cycle back and revert to these bonding-rejecting behaviors at times in her life. When children move from one stage of cognitive/behavioral development to another they can revert back to unhealthy patterns. But if we can get a solid stretch of good bonding in between these phases that'll make it easier to weather them.

So, phew, this is nice. I'm enjoying this bit of good, and loving her new happiness and growth, very much.

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