Two days ago the most potentially dangerous thing that's ever happened at our house occurred. Jane opened the gate to the goat pen and let them out so they had access to where the three little kids were playing unsupervised (I was inside making dinner).
Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or maybe a 2 yr old child? And then there's all the hard objects that a child could fall and hit their head against after being head-butted....
In summary: we know the goats have the potential to seriously injure a child and that's why they're in a special pen with the latch on the gate both up high and positioned on the inside of the gate so it's very difficult for a child to reach. I have also repeatedly taught the kids to never, ever open gates of any type in the yard and followed up with serious consequences if they have.
But Jane opened it. And I never would've known except that James, who has a higher risk aversion than either girl, came running in to tell me.
I dealt with it in the moment but now I can't stop thinking it over and asking myself, but WHY did she do it???
She doesn't love the goats or want/like playing with them when I have them out. There was nothing inside the pen that she wanted.
It took me two days of circling back to the topic when she was calm and we were alone. She finally told me that she just wanted to show Kate she could do it. She wanted to be the adult/in charge.
There is nothing she could've said that would've scared me more. I got positive chills up my spine when she looked at me, defiance all over her face, and told me she wanted Kate to see that she could open the gate (the forbidden fruit) if she wanted to.
Background: Jane loves to play mama/baby with Kate where she's the mom and gets to tell Kate what to do. Also, she was pissed off at me that afternoon because she'd asked to do something and I'd said no. There's this certain look she gets on her face that says she's not going to throw a tantrum in the moment but watch out, she's thinking and I will pay for not giving her what she wants at some point in the future.
My greatest fear is that I will live in a constant struggle with Jane pulling Kate and James in one direction (risky behavior, lies, etc.) while I'm pulling in the other direction trying to keep everyone safe and on the straight and narrow.
I will be deeply saddened if Kate follows Jane's bad example and turns devious. I will be insanely furious if she leads James to bad choices that ruin his life. How dare she mess with my child...
Theo says I'm borrowing trouble and projecting fears all out of proportion to a 4-yr-old's stupid, impulsive action. And he could be right. I parent them 12 hrs a day. He parents them about 30 minutes a day. But maybe he has a better perspective because he's not so deep in the weeds every damn day.
This event is the perfect example of our family dynamic. Jane acts. I react. I project fears. Theo dismisses them. I mete out consequences. Theo thinks they're too draconian. Jane realigns herself with my expectations and gets sappy sweet for a few days. I'm annoyed at what I read as fake, inauthentic emotions meant to manipulate me and struggle not to push her away. Drama, drama, drama. Attention focused on Jane while the other four are ignored. I'm annoyed by that, too. Determined to quit being the proverbial top she so easily sets spinning. Make a new plan.
Here's the latest plan.
1) Jane can never again play outside unsupervised with Kate and James. She can either be outside alone, or Kate and James can play outside alone; but never all three alone together anymore.
2) Once a day for a week she has to play alone in her room for an hour (she has all her favorite toys; it's not a punishment). When she goes in we have a reminder talk about the consequence for her doing something that put others in danger--that she can't be around them. Removing her access to Kate is the absolutely worst punishment we've ever found.
3) I'm renewed in my determination that she not be allowed to "mother" Kate. She does it all day long. At least every 5-10 minutes she's self-importantly informing Kate of something. E.g. if I call the kids to the table then she repeats, "Kate, time to eat." It's this low-level constant irritation that I can never decide how seriously to address. Because it feels stupid to, all day long, say things like "Jane, you don't tell your sister to eat; only I do that." It feels like I'm reducing myself to a squabbling preschooler. My standard, go-to line is, "Jane, you're not in charge." But, even saying that gives her attention and reinforces that, yes, she is in charge because she can set the tone of the house by irritating me all day long. AGGGHHHH!
4) I've begun consciously teaching Kate that Jane is a danger. a) I'm more intentional about being sure all good things for Kate come from my hand. b) I'm looking for times to point out that Jane makes poor decisions that can either get Kate in trouble or hurt her. It feels bizzarro to so blatantly turn one sibling "against" the other. Seth heard me doing it and was appalled because it's so diametrically opposed to how I talked to Seth and Gus years ago when my focus was on bonding the boys to each other. I had to explain the whole series of events and my thinking process. He was like, woah, that's dark. Yep, parenting in foster care has taken me to dark places too many times already.
I have absolutely no idea if this is the right path or not. I could be doing everything wrong. Theo and I talked about getting a new therapist after the adoption goes through (don't want the paperwork hassle of changing one right now). I want a real family therapist who can look at the whole dynamic; not just watch the girls do play therapy and learn to talk about their feelings.
I know that I'm parenting from a place of fear; not love. I know that I've been in this place off and on for the past year and it's just awful. I don't know when/if I'll ever truly be out of it.
Couple facts...the two goats are Nigerian Dwarf and only 18 inches tall at the shoulder. Yet both are so strong and adept at head-butting that they've knocked me to the ground before (with a sneak attack at the back of the knees). A month ago Kate wasn't listening to me while I was walking the goats on leashes and she got too close--one of the goats hit her square in the belly and, literally, sent her flying through the air and knocked the wind out of her. If I hadn't had the goat on the leash her next move would've been to put her head into Kate's body and kneel her front legs while she ground Kate into the dirt with all the force of her rock-hard skull. It's a brutal move that can kill a small animal. Or maybe a 2 yr old child? And then there's all the hard objects that a child could fall and hit their head against after being head-butted....
In summary: we know the goats have the potential to seriously injure a child and that's why they're in a special pen with the latch on the gate both up high and positioned on the inside of the gate so it's very difficult for a child to reach. I have also repeatedly taught the kids to never, ever open gates of any type in the yard and followed up with serious consequences if they have.
But Jane opened it. And I never would've known except that James, who has a higher risk aversion than either girl, came running in to tell me.
I dealt with it in the moment but now I can't stop thinking it over and asking myself, but WHY did she do it???
She doesn't love the goats or want/like playing with them when I have them out. There was nothing inside the pen that she wanted.
It took me two days of circling back to the topic when she was calm and we were alone. She finally told me that she just wanted to show Kate she could do it. She wanted to be the adult/in charge.
There is nothing she could've said that would've scared me more. I got positive chills up my spine when she looked at me, defiance all over her face, and told me she wanted Kate to see that she could open the gate (the forbidden fruit) if she wanted to.
Background: Jane loves to play mama/baby with Kate where she's the mom and gets to tell Kate what to do. Also, she was pissed off at me that afternoon because she'd asked to do something and I'd said no. There's this certain look she gets on her face that says she's not going to throw a tantrum in the moment but watch out, she's thinking and I will pay for not giving her what she wants at some point in the future.
My greatest fear is that I will live in a constant struggle with Jane pulling Kate and James in one direction (risky behavior, lies, etc.) while I'm pulling in the other direction trying to keep everyone safe and on the straight and narrow.
I will be deeply saddened if Kate follows Jane's bad example and turns devious. I will be insanely furious if she leads James to bad choices that ruin his life. How dare she mess with my child...
Theo says I'm borrowing trouble and projecting fears all out of proportion to a 4-yr-old's stupid, impulsive action. And he could be right. I parent them 12 hrs a day. He parents them about 30 minutes a day. But maybe he has a better perspective because he's not so deep in the weeds every damn day.
This event is the perfect example of our family dynamic. Jane acts. I react. I project fears. Theo dismisses them. I mete out consequences. Theo thinks they're too draconian. Jane realigns herself with my expectations and gets sappy sweet for a few days. I'm annoyed at what I read as fake, inauthentic emotions meant to manipulate me and struggle not to push her away. Drama, drama, drama. Attention focused on Jane while the other four are ignored. I'm annoyed by that, too. Determined to quit being the proverbial top she so easily sets spinning. Make a new plan.
Here's the latest plan.
1) Jane can never again play outside unsupervised with Kate and James. She can either be outside alone, or Kate and James can play outside alone; but never all three alone together anymore.
2) Once a day for a week she has to play alone in her room for an hour (she has all her favorite toys; it's not a punishment). When she goes in we have a reminder talk about the consequence for her doing something that put others in danger--that she can't be around them. Removing her access to Kate is the absolutely worst punishment we've ever found.
3) I'm renewed in my determination that she not be allowed to "mother" Kate. She does it all day long. At least every 5-10 minutes she's self-importantly informing Kate of something. E.g. if I call the kids to the table then she repeats, "Kate, time to eat." It's this low-level constant irritation that I can never decide how seriously to address. Because it feels stupid to, all day long, say things like "Jane, you don't tell your sister to eat; only I do that." It feels like I'm reducing myself to a squabbling preschooler. My standard, go-to line is, "Jane, you're not in charge." But, even saying that gives her attention and reinforces that, yes, she is in charge because she can set the tone of the house by irritating me all day long. AGGGHHHH!
4) I've begun consciously teaching Kate that Jane is a danger. a) I'm more intentional about being sure all good things for Kate come from my hand. b) I'm looking for times to point out that Jane makes poor decisions that can either get Kate in trouble or hurt her. It feels bizzarro to so blatantly turn one sibling "against" the other. Seth heard me doing it and was appalled because it's so diametrically opposed to how I talked to Seth and Gus years ago when my focus was on bonding the boys to each other. I had to explain the whole series of events and my thinking process. He was like, woah, that's dark. Yep, parenting in foster care has taken me to dark places too many times already.
I have absolutely no idea if this is the right path or not. I could be doing everything wrong. Theo and I talked about getting a new therapist after the adoption goes through (don't want the paperwork hassle of changing one right now). I want a real family therapist who can look at the whole dynamic; not just watch the girls do play therapy and learn to talk about their feelings.
I know that I'm parenting from a place of fear; not love. I know that I've been in this place off and on for the past year and it's just awful. I don't know when/if I'll ever truly be out of it.
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