Today I began my grand plan to convert Jane from an ADHD-addled squirrel to a real human girl--when it comes to playing with toys, that is.
I shared this description with Theo and he about busted a gut, by the way. Exclaiming: yes! That's it! I can totally see it!
What finally pushed me into focusing on this area was thinking about how she plays by herself during Quiet Time. She's totally different during that hour of the day. Every kid is alone in a room with a special set of toys that only comes out during this time. Jane loves it! She takes her little doll house and its miniatures into her room and plays with great imagination. I hear her and she's so happy!
Contrast that with play downstairs where she's like a squirrel/tornado scattering toys as wildly as she can, hiding bits and pieces all over the house in a perpetual attempt to hoard a stash all her own that no one else can touch. She looks unhappy and stressed and is prone to bickering and meltdowns during this kind of play. It's sad, and it riles up the other two so the whole house is in chaos.
I'm determined to help Jane learn new habits of play. A kid should be able to play happily!
So, out come the guardrails. As we continually learn we have to provide the structure and rules. Once we do so she's happier within this artificial world we've created for her. She can relax because we've removed the option for her to indulge in her worst impulses and fears. Exhausting, but it really, really works so well for her. I see her getting better each day and I'm hopeful that we're retraining her thinking and habits early enough in life that they'll become the new norm for her later in life when she may resist our "guardrails" more.
1) Three times today while everyone helped clean the house I found a broken toy and made a big deal about throwing it away. I spoke to all 3 kids equally so as not to single her out unnecessarily. I kept saying that when we aren't careful and break things they get thrown away. And when mom and dad see kids not using toys carefully then they will not buy them new ones.
Jane positively sobbed the first time. She has SUCH an attachment to every single object. It was a toy she'd just gotten for Christmas (cheap plastic junk from the foster care agency) and had only played with a few times but, like a true hoarder, every tiny thing she's touched instantly has deep value to her.
A hard lesson but she can't simultaneously attach to every thing and also play so recklessly she breaks all her toys. Pointing out to her the consequences of both these behaviors was more shocking to her than I'd thought it'd be. But, then, she has such poor reasoning/logic skills that I truly think she never made this connection before.
I comforted her through it and kept helping her talk it out to cement the connection: wild play means I break my toys and then lose those toys.
2) I pre-taught the concept of playing in a limited space and then modeled it, followed up, corrected, guided, retaught, etc, etc, etc. I got out a tub of Legos (yes, the greatest nightmare toy ever) and used it to teach all three simultaneously about keeping all the bits of toys from a tub in one space. That consumed an hour of my life. But by the end they could all recite the mantra: when we scatter our toys we lose them! When we lose our toys they're gone forever and mama is not going to buy any more!
3) I introduced the concept of Table-Top Toys. I got out three different wooden set toys (pattern blocks, magnetic doll dress-up set, etc.) and put each kid at the table and told them sometimes we'll have toys that must stay on the table. (I'm going to do this for toys that are sets with many small pieces where if you lose the pieces then the set isn't fun to play with anymore.) This went surprisingly well. James was the worst because he kept wanting to bring me something to show me so he needed several reminders to leave the construction on the table and I'd come look at it.
4) Kate needed to be taught to stay with a toy. She is only 2.5 and a full 18 months younger than the other two so her attention span really is shorter. However, I think even she can learn that if she asks for a toy to be gotten out for her then she needs to stay with it for more than 5 minutes. I don't so much care if she wanders away from a toy--I just don't want her asking for a new toy to be provided every few minutes. I am not a toy-issuing robot!
This is what I specifically taught today. More skills and techniques may come to me as I try to identify how Jane needs to be retaught to play. I read back over these four and I realize that I never needed to explicitly teach any of my boys these things. They just naturally focused and played nicely and built things in one location. I've never had a scatterer before.
My biggest take-away from today is how happily Jane went with the new program. She really is a pleaser and likes concrete rules. She didn't balk in the slightest. By contrast, she loved the attention as I was playing along with them.
I think I build things up in my mind so that a problem seems like a big deal to overcome. In reality, once I address it and teach her a new way to behave she never balks and always seems happy for the attention. (That is a deeply sad statement, I know.)
Finally, Theo and I are in the process of writing letters to a few birth family members that will be delivered after the adoption is finalized. One of them is to Grandma and it addresses, among other things, her habit of bringing stuff at every visit. I have said she can give gifts at their birthdays and Christmas but any other items will be refused. I laid out three reasons.
1) Training a girl that stuff = love makes her prone to being "bought" by a guy rather than truly cared for.
2) Teaching her to expect a constant stream of new things doesn't teach her to use her money wisely someday when she's an adult. Shopping does not equal saving.
3) We just don't have the room and I don't appreciate the clutter.
I am SO EXCITED about no longer feeding the landfill (which is how I now think of every visit with Grandma). Removing Grandma's stream of plastic junk and teaching Jane to play focused, imaginative games by returning to the same high-quality, open-ended toys again and again is going to do so much for her thinking skills and happiness.
It is one more crucial step in lifting her from a poverty mindset to a middle-class values mindset. I know that may sound class-ist but it's how I see everything these days. Why are poor people with good jobs still poor? Bad habits. How do people lift themselves out of poverty? Good habits.
I shared this description with Theo and he about busted a gut, by the way. Exclaiming: yes! That's it! I can totally see it!
What finally pushed me into focusing on this area was thinking about how she plays by herself during Quiet Time. She's totally different during that hour of the day. Every kid is alone in a room with a special set of toys that only comes out during this time. Jane loves it! She takes her little doll house and its miniatures into her room and plays with great imagination. I hear her and she's so happy!
Contrast that with play downstairs where she's like a squirrel/tornado scattering toys as wildly as she can, hiding bits and pieces all over the house in a perpetual attempt to hoard a stash all her own that no one else can touch. She looks unhappy and stressed and is prone to bickering and meltdowns during this kind of play. It's sad, and it riles up the other two so the whole house is in chaos.
I'm determined to help Jane learn new habits of play. A kid should be able to play happily!
So, out come the guardrails. As we continually learn we have to provide the structure and rules. Once we do so she's happier within this artificial world we've created for her. She can relax because we've removed the option for her to indulge in her worst impulses and fears. Exhausting, but it really, really works so well for her. I see her getting better each day and I'm hopeful that we're retraining her thinking and habits early enough in life that they'll become the new norm for her later in life when she may resist our "guardrails" more.
1) Three times today while everyone helped clean the house I found a broken toy and made a big deal about throwing it away. I spoke to all 3 kids equally so as not to single her out unnecessarily. I kept saying that when we aren't careful and break things they get thrown away. And when mom and dad see kids not using toys carefully then they will not buy them new ones.
Jane positively sobbed the first time. She has SUCH an attachment to every single object. It was a toy she'd just gotten for Christmas (cheap plastic junk from the foster care agency) and had only played with a few times but, like a true hoarder, every tiny thing she's touched instantly has deep value to her.
A hard lesson but she can't simultaneously attach to every thing and also play so recklessly she breaks all her toys. Pointing out to her the consequences of both these behaviors was more shocking to her than I'd thought it'd be. But, then, she has such poor reasoning/logic skills that I truly think she never made this connection before.
I comforted her through it and kept helping her talk it out to cement the connection: wild play means I break my toys and then lose those toys.
2) I pre-taught the concept of playing in a limited space and then modeled it, followed up, corrected, guided, retaught, etc, etc, etc. I got out a tub of Legos (yes, the greatest nightmare toy ever) and used it to teach all three simultaneously about keeping all the bits of toys from a tub in one space. That consumed an hour of my life. But by the end they could all recite the mantra: when we scatter our toys we lose them! When we lose our toys they're gone forever and mama is not going to buy any more!
3) I introduced the concept of Table-Top Toys. I got out three different wooden set toys (pattern blocks, magnetic doll dress-up set, etc.) and put each kid at the table and told them sometimes we'll have toys that must stay on the table. (I'm going to do this for toys that are sets with many small pieces where if you lose the pieces then the set isn't fun to play with anymore.) This went surprisingly well. James was the worst because he kept wanting to bring me something to show me so he needed several reminders to leave the construction on the table and I'd come look at it.
4) Kate needed to be taught to stay with a toy. She is only 2.5 and a full 18 months younger than the other two so her attention span really is shorter. However, I think even she can learn that if she asks for a toy to be gotten out for her then she needs to stay with it for more than 5 minutes. I don't so much care if she wanders away from a toy--I just don't want her asking for a new toy to be provided every few minutes. I am not a toy-issuing robot!
This is what I specifically taught today. More skills and techniques may come to me as I try to identify how Jane needs to be retaught to play. I read back over these four and I realize that I never needed to explicitly teach any of my boys these things. They just naturally focused and played nicely and built things in one location. I've never had a scatterer before.
My biggest take-away from today is how happily Jane went with the new program. She really is a pleaser and likes concrete rules. She didn't balk in the slightest. By contrast, she loved the attention as I was playing along with them.
I think I build things up in my mind so that a problem seems like a big deal to overcome. In reality, once I address it and teach her a new way to behave she never balks and always seems happy for the attention. (That is a deeply sad statement, I know.)
Finally, Theo and I are in the process of writing letters to a few birth family members that will be delivered after the adoption is finalized. One of them is to Grandma and it addresses, among other things, her habit of bringing stuff at every visit. I have said she can give gifts at their birthdays and Christmas but any other items will be refused. I laid out three reasons.
1) Training a girl that stuff = love makes her prone to being "bought" by a guy rather than truly cared for.
2) Teaching her to expect a constant stream of new things doesn't teach her to use her money wisely someday when she's an adult. Shopping does not equal saving.
3) We just don't have the room and I don't appreciate the clutter.
I am SO EXCITED about no longer feeding the landfill (which is how I now think of every visit with Grandma). Removing Grandma's stream of plastic junk and teaching Jane to play focused, imaginative games by returning to the same high-quality, open-ended toys again and again is going to do so much for her thinking skills and happiness.
It is one more crucial step in lifting her from a poverty mindset to a middle-class values mindset. I know that may sound class-ist but it's how I see everything these days. Why are poor people with good jobs still poor? Bad habits. How do people lift themselves out of poverty? Good habits.
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