On Saturday I took the girls to aunt's workplace at 2pm. She drove them to her house where they played for about 2 hours with family and friends, and then brought them back to meet me about halfway between our houses. Though the girls have been alone with family before this was the first time they traveled without us and the total visit was 4 hours instead of 2 due to the travel time.
So many little tidbits to mull over.
During the hand off aunt made a joke about ways Jane was jealous of Kate. For example, Jane said she didn't want to be a big sister anymore and could they just leave Kate in the car? Ha ha ha. Also, Jane said she hadn't eaten that day because Kate took all her food. Ha ha ha
But on the drive home I began to think about this food lie Jane told.
Jane thought she was going to get a cartoon after the bath as we usually do---their 30 min of screen time each day happens as part of bedtime. I took her on my lap and gently explained that she'd told a lie and it was important she always tell the truth about what happens in everyone's home and that as a consequence she wouldn't get her bedtime cartoons.
She became hysterical. Again. It was as bad as the scene saying good-bye to grandma. I thought she was going to injure herself by flailing around in a complete tantrum. She would've never reacted this strongly to losing screen time normally.
I stayed with her long enough to be sure she was safe but then firmly tucked her into bed and left. She screamed for about 10 minutes but then suddenly stopped. She was asleep--totally worn out.
I feel bad that concepts such as truth and lies can't be learned in the usual way that all children do; that she isn't allowed the freedom to tell whopping stories like other 3 yr olds. But until those adoption papers are signed anything she says can trigger a CPS report on us. The stakes are just too high.
And now the other big thing I'm mulling over.
About 3am that night she came into our room, crying. This is BIG. She has never come in on her own. It's a weird thing where the other kids wake us up as needed but she never has. In fact, her worst nighttime catastrophes are always made worse because she won't ask for help when she should. So, suddenly, there she was standing beside the bed crying.
Now, it's against the rules for foster parents to take foster children into their bed (and for good reason) so I won't say she spent the night in our bed but I will say she spent the night in our room. Frequently reaching out to touch me.
That was last night. Tonight at bedtime she was going along fine when suddenly she got very stiff and frightened and said she was scared of the dark. I got Kate in bed first and then took Jane downstairs so we could talk. She cuddled into my lap and started talking. Lots of stuff came out but essentially she's just plain scared about returning to her old life where she was shuffled endlessly among houses.
She tells stories of good memories--her mother packing up a sleeping bag with her stuffed toy for her to take to Papa's house--but what I've realized now is that she almost doesn't know the difference between a good and bad memory. Her people were/are so volatile that good moments can turn bad on a dime. And, horrible memories like her parents physically fighting are mixed up with the wonderful feeling of grandma arriving to rescue her.
So, her smiling and talking about the stuffed toy and sleeping bag is really her being incredibly anxious and asking if her old lifestyle is about to start up again. I reassured her, many times and in many ways, that it is not.
Then we did bedtime prayers where we named all the things we're scared of, and all our favorite things, and I talked to her about praying for our scary things and then letting them go and focusing on our favorite things. Also, I put back on her old, very bright, nightlight that hadn't been used in months when I tucked her in. I gave her a beautifully illustrated book of images of God to look at before I left the room. She was calm and leafing through it as I shut the door.
I don't know if she'll sleep through the night tonight. If she needs me that's fine. I'm reminded that I had to stay in their room for up to an hour every night until Jane fell asleep for weeks and weeks after they first came to us. (Update: it's now five nights later and she's had nightmares every night. Last night it was down to five minutes of me in there rubbing her back. But two nights ago I was up all night with her as she'd go back into a nightmare every time she fell asleep. I'm seriously reconsidering whether the girls are ready for that kind of a visit yet.)
Kate, meanwhile, shows absolutely no ill effects whatsoever. I think she has completely bonded to us and feels only an average level of connection to her bio family.
And my anxiety level is back down to nil. I have acknowledged that I feel terribly worried and upset in the days before their visit but immediately afterwards my sense of humor comes back and I can cope again. This is taking a toll on all of us.
So many little tidbits to mull over.
- Before the visit I prepped Jane about lots of things but the thing she latched onto was that she was NOT going to sleep at aunt's house but would be coming back to her own bed here.
- I was surprisingly sad and anxious when her car pulled away. Would the girls even want to come back? How do divorced parents do this handing off of children? It feels awful to have so many conflicting emotions (have fun...but not too much fun) all at once.
- I had nothing to say by way of good-bye. My throat closed up. Aunt was uncomfortable and rushing things. I still hold back from physical affection when I'm around them just due to an awkwardness I can't explain (am I a real enough mommy to kiss them and say I love you in front of others, yet?)
- After the visit, at the pickup point, when I pulled up next to them Kate saw me through her car window and I could see her mouth saying, "There's mommy!" And she was so happy! My heart about burst.
- Jane came around the car and jumped into my arms for a big hug. I was so surprised and happy and relieved.
- Jane had grandma's phone and was watching a video. Though I thought we adults were doing the transition gradually enough I realized later she was tuned out from the good-byes happening around her and so all of a sudden the phone was taken from her and she was put in a carseat. She wasn't ready. She wailed and sobbed and held out her arms for grandma. It was excruciating. Next time I will be damn sure the phone is removed several minutes before we say good-bye so she has time to process and give physical hugs. (Grandma was trying to climb into my car and over car seats to get to Jane; it went from calm to insane in mere seconds; aunt had to pull grandma out of my car at my request. OMG!!)
- Jane stopped crying two seconds after the car door shut and the cartoons in our car system started. The cartoons are powerful. They mask every emotion. But they are evil. We will never do a transition with kids on a screen again.
- I immediately drove to McDonald's and bought the girls' french fries. Because I could not cope with the idea of unhappy girls regretting a return to our home for the entire long drive home. So I soothed them with food and screens. And, just this once, I don't regret it one bit.
- Aunt accidentally kept Kate's coat so she called to tell us. Theo spoke with her. Aunt said Jane kept repeating to them that she was NOT going to sleep there but would be coming back to our house. It was something Jane was clearly worried about.
During the hand off aunt made a joke about ways Jane was jealous of Kate. For example, Jane said she didn't want to be a big sister anymore and could they just leave Kate in the car? Ha ha ha. Also, Jane said she hadn't eaten that day because Kate took all her food. Ha ha ha
But on the drive home I began to think about this food lie Jane told.
- The lie was a typical thing a 3 yr old would say and more of a whopping tale than a lie.
- But in our situation the girls' reports about their treatment are powerful. What if it wasn't so much of an obvious whopper next time?
Jane thought she was going to get a cartoon after the bath as we usually do---their 30 min of screen time each day happens as part of bedtime. I took her on my lap and gently explained that she'd told a lie and it was important she always tell the truth about what happens in everyone's home and that as a consequence she wouldn't get her bedtime cartoons.
She became hysterical. Again. It was as bad as the scene saying good-bye to grandma. I thought she was going to injure herself by flailing around in a complete tantrum. She would've never reacted this strongly to losing screen time normally.
I stayed with her long enough to be sure she was safe but then firmly tucked her into bed and left. She screamed for about 10 minutes but then suddenly stopped. She was asleep--totally worn out.
I feel bad that concepts such as truth and lies can't be learned in the usual way that all children do; that she isn't allowed the freedom to tell whopping stories like other 3 yr olds. But until those adoption papers are signed anything she says can trigger a CPS report on us. The stakes are just too high.
And now the other big thing I'm mulling over.
About 3am that night she came into our room, crying. This is BIG. She has never come in on her own. It's a weird thing where the other kids wake us up as needed but she never has. In fact, her worst nighttime catastrophes are always made worse because she won't ask for help when she should. So, suddenly, there she was standing beside the bed crying.
Now, it's against the rules for foster parents to take foster children into their bed (and for good reason) so I won't say she spent the night in our bed but I will say she spent the night in our room. Frequently reaching out to touch me.
That was last night. Tonight at bedtime she was going along fine when suddenly she got very stiff and frightened and said she was scared of the dark. I got Kate in bed first and then took Jane downstairs so we could talk. She cuddled into my lap and started talking. Lots of stuff came out but essentially she's just plain scared about returning to her old life where she was shuffled endlessly among houses.
She tells stories of good memories--her mother packing up a sleeping bag with her stuffed toy for her to take to Papa's house--but what I've realized now is that she almost doesn't know the difference between a good and bad memory. Her people were/are so volatile that good moments can turn bad on a dime. And, horrible memories like her parents physically fighting are mixed up with the wonderful feeling of grandma arriving to rescue her.
So, her smiling and talking about the stuffed toy and sleeping bag is really her being incredibly anxious and asking if her old lifestyle is about to start up again. I reassured her, many times and in many ways, that it is not.
Then we did bedtime prayers where we named all the things we're scared of, and all our favorite things, and I talked to her about praying for our scary things and then letting them go and focusing on our favorite things. Also, I put back on her old, very bright, nightlight that hadn't been used in months when I tucked her in. I gave her a beautifully illustrated book of images of God to look at before I left the room. She was calm and leafing through it as I shut the door.
I don't know if she'll sleep through the night tonight. If she needs me that's fine. I'm reminded that I had to stay in their room for up to an hour every night until Jane fell asleep for weeks and weeks after they first came to us. (Update: it's now five nights later and she's had nightmares every night. Last night it was down to five minutes of me in there rubbing her back. But two nights ago I was up all night with her as she'd go back into a nightmare every time she fell asleep. I'm seriously reconsidering whether the girls are ready for that kind of a visit yet.)
Kate, meanwhile, shows absolutely no ill effects whatsoever. I think she has completely bonded to us and feels only an average level of connection to her bio family.
And my anxiety level is back down to nil. I have acknowledged that I feel terribly worried and upset in the days before their visit but immediately afterwards my sense of humor comes back and I can cope again. This is taking a toll on all of us.
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