Skip to main content

This vs. That, Part II

This past week the big new behavior has been tattling. I know, as a teacher, that behaviors move through a classroom like a virus and sometimes it's best to ignore them and let them work themselves out whereas other behaviors need an intervention.

As I've been observing and weighing what to do I've mainly been gauging my own reaction. One reason I thought I was equipped to do foster care is because I've cared for other people's kids my entire professional life. And, as a special ed teacher, it's been a pretty close relationship with the need to communicate about and work through some pretty tough stuff with parents.

Yet, what took me by surprise is how different it is to be parenting, in my own home, someone else's kids. Maybe if these girls had remained typical foster kids who were on track to return to mom then it'd be easier and I'd still have some professional distance.

Now that rights are terminated and we've begun the adoption process there is no professional distance whatsoever. And things get to me that I probably would've coped with better if it'd occured in my classroom.

So, as I observe the tattling I'm also noting my reactions. My big internal question is: why does this behavior bother me but that one does not?

I've come to see there are two kinds of tattling happening.
  • Straight up tattling: I wanna get this kid in trouble cuz s/he stole my toy and I'm mad.
  • Ulterior motive tattling: If I kick up a fuss and get the adult involved then I get attention from the adult.
I actually witnessed Jane sneak up behind James, steal one of his beloved animal figures he was carefully setting up in an arrangement, wait for him to yell at her and grab for it, and then she yelled to me: he's taking my toy!

This was on a particularly whiny day when she was seeking my attention in every conceivable
inappropriate way. I was already exasperated with her and then watching that event was the last straw. She got a time out in her room which is pretty rare--about once every 2-3 weeks--because I just could not remove myself emotionally and sort through all the layers of wrong. Besides, even having that conversation would've been reinforcing to her since she wanted attention to begin with.

But later it helped me to think this through. I'm not that annoyed by tattling because it's age-appropriate behavior. I'm completely pissed off by tattling as a tool to get attention.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Family Visit Success!

Last weekend we did a family visit that was a return to how we'd first begun doing them. Theo and I drove the girls down and stayed and hung out with the family the whole time. The visit was just 1.5 hours long. Aunt made the lovely suggestion that good-byes would happen in the house and not at the car. She even coached grandma to do them quickly. So, we did a quick but sincere good-bye then left. No drama with grandma climbing over seats or Jane wailing from her car seat. And it all worked! Girls were cheerful and chatty on the way home! No nightmares for Jane that night! Kate was even okay--one day of extreme clinginess but then she returned to usual level of attachment-bonding cling! I'm so incredibly relieved! Because what would I have done if this hadn't worked?? I could not bear the thought of telling them we were stopping visits completely not least of all because I truly don't believe that would be the right path, long term. But now I don't have to f...

Separation for Me

 One more note about yesterday. I noticed that when the girls were acting up yesterday I truly was not angry. I felt back in my old EI teacher groove where I could calmly observe and reflect to a student but never feel personally involved in the drama. It felt so nice! The equilibriam I was famous for when teaching but that I've struggled to find in my own home.  Being away was so good for me. Thinking other thoughts; being competent around other smart people. Life affirming to me as a human, not just the mother-drone trapped in a small house doing small things repeatedly all day long.  I absolutely have to have professional level conversation and interactions to maintain my sanity. Essential.

Why She Pees...

 Last week the little sister, Kate, got in trouble for peeing herself and then lying about it. She's had a weak bladder her whole life and must be vigilant about going often or she has an accident. If she gets busy playing and nobody reminds her to go, it's inevitable.  I am annoyed at the hassle, but tolerant that it's a medical situation.  Then, tonight I realized Jane smelled like pee. There's no excuse. She can hold it for days if she wants to. She got in trouble (a cold shower to hose off her body). Then I realized her room stank and asked what was going on. She told me she'd been deliberately peeing herself each day for the last three days, "so that you'd smell it and think she did it and then she'd get in trouble."  She's a sociopath.  Who deliberately sits in their own pee for three days for the small thrill of getting their little sister yelled at?  Well, two can play at this manipulation fight. I called Kate into the room and then had...