There It Is

 For continued disobedience yesterday Jane had to spend part of this afternoon in her room while the other two played. She cried bitterly. After she settled down I opened her door to talk. 

She looked up at me, her face blotchy and tear-streaked, and it all came pouring out. Her articulation and phrasing and vocabulary were like talking to a 10 yr old, not a 5 yr old. This is the true Jane who I believe is her real, honest, authentic self. It is the Jane we so rarely see. 

She said everything. Yes, she knows she's lying and she plans to do it because she likes to, "keep things inside myself". Yes, she knows she chose the negative consequence and she knew even before it happened that that's what she was going to choose because she doesn't want to "give in and do what you say, mama." She went on and on. Rehashing every single moment from yesterday and confessing that she knowingly created the situation. Confessing (in even more detail than Kate had shared yesterday) how she whispered in Kate's ear a threat that she would always disobey me and find Kate when she wanted to. That she did leave the front yard and go looking for Kate. 

She stood before me and told every last detail. Full confessional. And while, on one hand, it's scary to hear the depths of her devious mind and how many steps she is planning ahead, at the same time it's at least hopeful to hear her want to come clean. 

Every few minutes she'd reach out to hug me and I'd hug her back and reassure her that I was glad she was telling the truth now and I always loved her. There's this phrase she adopted a very long time ago, shortly after coming here. I'm sure it's something I said once and she latched onto it and recites it like an oath. "Sometimes you don't trust me but you always love me." 

I repeated it back, reassuringly, to her each time she said it. She needs to know she's loved unconditionally. In truth, I don't feel one bit of love towards her in these moments but it's important to go through the motions and say the words. She's a little girl, I remind myself. Every little girl deserves a home where she feels loved. No matter what. 

So, there it all was. Full awareness of her actions. Admitting that she planned events. Making the connection between her choices and the consequences. Everything I want her to be able to do. Now she does it, on her own time.

Sometimes, she camouflages her real self so deep under the baby talk and deflective behaviors, that I lose sight of any hope that she'll ever be authentic and honest with me. And there's these moments reminding me of all that is in there, under the layers of obfuscation.

People around us have absolutely no idea how exhausting it is to parent this girl.