Yup, She Struggles

Two days after I got back from being gone for five days, Jane let all her insecurities loose.

She baby talked all day. She pestered the other kids in every tiny way she could be. She forgot to do things immediately after I asked her to do it.

She was just low-grade angry all day. Day One after my return was full of tentative love attempts--creeping up to me, staring at me hungrily like she'd forgotten what I looked like, drawing a thousand heart pictures and presenting each one like priceless treasure and then being hurt when I wasn't enthusing over the twentieth picture in ten minutes. Day Two was angry. And anger for her is extremely passive aggressive. Low-grade annoyances toward everyone without ever once looking or sounding angry.

This all escalated throughout the day very gradually until at bedtime I was standing next to her while she was brushing her teeth and realized she reeked of urine. I asked her if she'd peed her pants and she began to cry this hysterical cry that is all weird and out of proportion to the actual events of the moment. I told her to take off her pants and they thwacked onto the bathroom tile floor--absolutely soaked in urine. Then she started to pee standing there talking to me, dripping onto the floor, going panic-faced and crossing her legs but not taking a half step over to sit on the toilet that she'd just been sitting on mere moments before since she always goes potty before brushing her teeth. It was like watching her revert back to infancy while panicking hysterically, right there in front of me.

It's times like these I remind myself of her fetal alcohol syndrome diagnosis, and her childhood trauma, and chant silently but rhythmically inside my head: she's mentally disabled, she's mentally disabled. Going into special ed teacher mode is the only way to stay calm in these moments.

So, I called her out. Just flat out saying--you are pestering James by taking his ball because you're angry that I was gone. Or--you are deliberately choosing to disobey me by not putting on your sandals because you are angry that I was gone. Or--you are peeing your pants and baby talking because you are angry that I was gone.

I've come to believe that she's simultaneously so literal and so clueless that everything has to be stated in the bluntest possible terms. She's also deeply unable to name her own emotions or behave genuinely in a relationship. So, again, I have to tell her what she is feeling. I also have to tell her that her method of acting out her feelings is unacceptable.

I flat out said that it is naughty to pee her pants and if she continues to do that then I won't take her on her own special trip with me if she continues to do it. That got her attention.

I have to give a consequence. She has to connect the misbehavior to a punishment or she doesn't really absorb that it's a misbehavior at all. I have to be pretty calm, cold and factual when I give the consequence. I try to walk this line that isn't giving attention (because even negative attention is rewarding) but also isn't letting her off the hook.

Sadly, I do not hug her or comfort her or elicit conversation in the midst of disciplining her the way I do with the other kids. Even with Kate I mix the stern conversations with hugs and comforting touch and space for them to cry and tell me whey they're sad or angry or frustrated or whatever that led to the misbehavior. But I believe, instinctively, that if I mix kind touch and attention with my reaction to her misbehavior then she, who is so desperate for attention, will repeat the misbehavior just to get the kindness. This is just how I feel after years of working with kids who were traumatized due to neglect. They have such a confused sense of how to get attention--the only attention they got from their neglectful parents was when that parent was angry with them.

Today, Day Three after my return, she appeared at my bedside early in the morning and said, "I want you, mama." I scooched over and let her crawl into bed with me. The rule is she can be there but she must be quiet and still because if she appears at 5am I still need to get some sleep. It was a nice way to wake up. She lay there for about 20 minutes and then slowly I was fully awake and we got up and went downstairs together. I gave her lots of hugs and kisses as we were going downstairs and then while I was getting breakfast. I try to load up the early morning with lots of positive touch because, heck, they haven't done anything wrong, yet, right? No reason not to be kind at the start of each day.

Today was better overall. None of the weird behavior of yesterday. She seemed very sleepy. Like she had to sleep to recover from the emotional exhaustion of me being gone and then returning.

All of this seems about what I expected. What I didn't expect was that Kate would also really struggle upon returning. She was GREAT on our trip! She never cried once! She cries at least once an hour here at home, short meaningless wails over every tiny thing. When we were gone she did none of that and I really enjoyed it! Then, we get back and she's twice as whiny. What does she have to be angry about? She got to go with me!?

I think every disruption in routine, especially something as big as being away from home, is just going to be a trigger for these girls. I mean, all kids struggle with travel. But for these girls it's going to bring up all the memories of being hauled around and dumped with different adults and never knowing where their family is.

I understand it. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with.