Dinner tonight encapsulated all my issues with Jane (and hers with me, too, now that I think of it).
Theo was at Vespers, the boys had had a late lunch, it was only 5:00 but Kate was acting slightly ill and I knew both girls hadn't slept well the night before. I decided to feed them dinner, give them a bath, and then send them to bed early.
Kate is playing but Jane is in the kitchen with me, spinning on an office chair (I know when she needs to spin she's been under-stimulated and is compensating). I pull some homemade chicken broth out of the fridge that I made last week, throw in some rice, chop up a carrot, add garlic and oregano and start to simmer the soup. I want Kate to get some good nourishment so she can fight off whatever is starting before Christmas. As it's cooking I ask Jane if she wants to have some of this soup or if she wants some of the Shepherd's Pie I made last night (which is what everyone else will be eating again tonight).
I absolutely do not care which meal she chooses. I know she doesn't like carrots a lot and she watched me chopping up the carrot (and chattered about the carrot because she's just calling out words to name every thought she's having--her mind like a leaky sieve) and put it in the soup. I expect her to choose the Shepherd's Pie.
But then she hems and haws and I can already feel what is coming. See, Jane knows I'm making this homemade soup just for Kate because Kate is sick. Now she's being invited to get the same special treatment that Kate is getting? How can she refuse? She can't. She says she wants the soup.
I know she regrets it immediately because then she starts over-compensating by naming every ingredient that went in and yelling, "Yum!" after each one. "Chicken--yum! Carrot-yum! Rice-yum! etc," It's totally fake and I find it 100% obnoxious. She's begun doing this a lot recently with food she doesn't like--using over-the-top superlatives at full volume to either butter up to me or convince herself. I don't know which but either way it's annoying. I'm not the food Nazi. While I require our kids to eat healthily everyone does have a few items they don't like and are excused from. Seth doesn't like mashed potatoes. Gus doesn't like beef. It's fine. She doesn't like carrots--that's why I offered her the other meal that she did love and had two servings of the night before.
Then the soup is on the table and both girls and I are eating it. Kate loves it and Jane is really struggling. She's started sighing and tearing up before and after every bite. She hates it. But now I'm pissed. I remind her, gently, once that I gave her a choice and she wanted this so that's why it's in front of her. (I feel I have to drive home these consequences of her actions due to her lack of reasoning skills--I have to spell out that she made a poor choice driven from jealousy; she's going to learn why that is a bad idea.)
The second time she stops eating and just stares morosely at her bowl like it's full of putrid, moldy slime I snap at her. No more gentle voice. It's good soup and I need Kate to finish it and I'm not indulging Jane's stupidity. Jane resumes eating without a problem.
Kate is being super cute and funny and I don't want to let Jane's attitude overtake it so I'm engaging with Kate. Then Kate has to go potty and while she's gone Jane copies Kate and baby-talks a stupid question, "I wonder how many legs a cat has?" Funny from a silly 2 yr old; bratty and annoying from a copycat, baby-talking 4 yr old. I am angry and snap at her again. She doesn't need to copy Kate to get attention. We have this same conversation every damn day! She resumes eating.
Kate comes back and finishes and I've already told both girls it's bath night so I casually tell Jane that I'm taking Kate up to start the bath and she can come when she's done eating. I truly said it calmly. I was shocked when Jane burst into tears and wailing about being left behind. Oh for god's sakes, you stupid twit, if you'd just eaten your soup... Creating still another drama.... I offered you something else to eat but you wanted this...
But I don't even bother saying all this. I ask Gus to watch her because I know she's going to do something stupid with the soup. Yep, five minutes later he brings her up and tells me she'd put a mouthful in but then spit it out--the table is covered in it.
She doesn't get a bath (because she loves them). She's in bed by 6:00 without a single bedtime routine and I have to force myself to give her a kiss goodnight and say I love you. I always, always, always make myself do those two things--it's the least I can do--even when I'm seething inside with anything but love.
So I'm thinking back over all of this and it's all about her not knowing how to regulate her emotions. It's about her physical/mental disregulation leading to jealousy and hyper-sensitivity to every perceived slight. The fact that she still can't be honest with me and outright say, "I don't like carrots." The fake pretending to like something as a smarmy way to get me to like her and give her attention. It's about me being fed up with problems she not only sets up but then she perpetuates like one inevitable domino after another. It's about emotional fatigue at the constant daily grind her unhappiness brings upon me.
And, it's about the bottomless pit she is. This morning she had a full hour 1:1 with her therapist in which they played with a beloved dollhouse and Jane didn't have to share with Kate because it was her solo trip. Then, she asked me if we could not go home but instead do something together. She asked sweetly and appropriately and so I agreed. We had a fun conversation brainstorming all we might need for our upcoming road trip to FL and I realized all three kids needed luggage. We went to the store and she got to pick out all three little suitcases. We brought them home and all three littles ADORED their rolly bags and spent all day trundling all over the house packing and unpacking them with random objects.
It was a good day! She got 1:1 attention and a special outing and buying something new and the weather was nice and she played outside for ages--all her top favorite things. And yet...it wasn't enough.
Sometimes, when I remind myself of what she came from, and how timid and manipulative her grandmother is and how much their personalities are alike, and how much she's grown in the past year--I feel that it's pretty good all things considered. Other times I just feel hopeless. If she can't even cope with a dinner choice, how can she ever be a functional member of our family?
Theo was at Vespers, the boys had had a late lunch, it was only 5:00 but Kate was acting slightly ill and I knew both girls hadn't slept well the night before. I decided to feed them dinner, give them a bath, and then send them to bed early.
Kate is playing but Jane is in the kitchen with me, spinning on an office chair (I know when she needs to spin she's been under-stimulated and is compensating). I pull some homemade chicken broth out of the fridge that I made last week, throw in some rice, chop up a carrot, add garlic and oregano and start to simmer the soup. I want Kate to get some good nourishment so she can fight off whatever is starting before Christmas. As it's cooking I ask Jane if she wants to have some of this soup or if she wants some of the Shepherd's Pie I made last night (which is what everyone else will be eating again tonight).
I absolutely do not care which meal she chooses. I know she doesn't like carrots a lot and she watched me chopping up the carrot (and chattered about the carrot because she's just calling out words to name every thought she's having--her mind like a leaky sieve) and put it in the soup. I expect her to choose the Shepherd's Pie.
But then she hems and haws and I can already feel what is coming. See, Jane knows I'm making this homemade soup just for Kate because Kate is sick. Now she's being invited to get the same special treatment that Kate is getting? How can she refuse? She can't. She says she wants the soup.
I know she regrets it immediately because then she starts over-compensating by naming every ingredient that went in and yelling, "Yum!" after each one. "Chicken--yum! Carrot-yum! Rice-yum! etc," It's totally fake and I find it 100% obnoxious. She's begun doing this a lot recently with food she doesn't like--using over-the-top superlatives at full volume to either butter up to me or convince herself. I don't know which but either way it's annoying. I'm not the food Nazi. While I require our kids to eat healthily everyone does have a few items they don't like and are excused from. Seth doesn't like mashed potatoes. Gus doesn't like beef. It's fine. She doesn't like carrots--that's why I offered her the other meal that she did love and had two servings of the night before.
Then the soup is on the table and both girls and I are eating it. Kate loves it and Jane is really struggling. She's started sighing and tearing up before and after every bite. She hates it. But now I'm pissed. I remind her, gently, once that I gave her a choice and she wanted this so that's why it's in front of her. (I feel I have to drive home these consequences of her actions due to her lack of reasoning skills--I have to spell out that she made a poor choice driven from jealousy; she's going to learn why that is a bad idea.)
The second time she stops eating and just stares morosely at her bowl like it's full of putrid, moldy slime I snap at her. No more gentle voice. It's good soup and I need Kate to finish it and I'm not indulging Jane's stupidity. Jane resumes eating without a problem.
Kate is being super cute and funny and I don't want to let Jane's attitude overtake it so I'm engaging with Kate. Then Kate has to go potty and while she's gone Jane copies Kate and baby-talks a stupid question, "I wonder how many legs a cat has?" Funny from a silly 2 yr old; bratty and annoying from a copycat, baby-talking 4 yr old. I am angry and snap at her again. She doesn't need to copy Kate to get attention. We have this same conversation every damn day! She resumes eating.
Kate comes back and finishes and I've already told both girls it's bath night so I casually tell Jane that I'm taking Kate up to start the bath and she can come when she's done eating. I truly said it calmly. I was shocked when Jane burst into tears and wailing about being left behind. Oh for god's sakes, you stupid twit, if you'd just eaten your soup... Creating still another drama.... I offered you something else to eat but you wanted this...
But I don't even bother saying all this. I ask Gus to watch her because I know she's going to do something stupid with the soup. Yep, five minutes later he brings her up and tells me she'd put a mouthful in but then spit it out--the table is covered in it.
She doesn't get a bath (because she loves them). She's in bed by 6:00 without a single bedtime routine and I have to force myself to give her a kiss goodnight and say I love you. I always, always, always make myself do those two things--it's the least I can do--even when I'm seething inside with anything but love.
So I'm thinking back over all of this and it's all about her not knowing how to regulate her emotions. It's about her physical/mental disregulation leading to jealousy and hyper-sensitivity to every perceived slight. The fact that she still can't be honest with me and outright say, "I don't like carrots." The fake pretending to like something as a smarmy way to get me to like her and give her attention. It's about me being fed up with problems she not only sets up but then she perpetuates like one inevitable domino after another. It's about emotional fatigue at the constant daily grind her unhappiness brings upon me.
And, it's about the bottomless pit she is. This morning she had a full hour 1:1 with her therapist in which they played with a beloved dollhouse and Jane didn't have to share with Kate because it was her solo trip. Then, she asked me if we could not go home but instead do something together. She asked sweetly and appropriately and so I agreed. We had a fun conversation brainstorming all we might need for our upcoming road trip to FL and I realized all three kids needed luggage. We went to the store and she got to pick out all three little suitcases. We brought them home and all three littles ADORED their rolly bags and spent all day trundling all over the house packing and unpacking them with random objects.
It was a good day! She got 1:1 attention and a special outing and buying something new and the weather was nice and she played outside for ages--all her top favorite things. And yet...it wasn't enough.
Sometimes, when I remind myself of what she came from, and how timid and manipulative her grandmother is and how much their personalities are alike, and how much she's grown in the past year--I feel that it's pretty good all things considered. Other times I just feel hopeless. If she can't even cope with a dinner choice, how can she ever be a functional member of our family?
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