Jane has lived here for 19 months. Just over a year and a half. She came at 3 yrs, 2 months. She is now 4 years 10 months. Soon she will celebrate her second birthday since coming here. I've bought all the clothes and shoes and coats and toys she owns. I decorated her bedroom. I choose what she eats and when. I give her baths and wash her hair and sometimes assist her in the bathroom. I can tell you the exact shape of her toes and how their shape differs from mine. I can predict how she'll react to most situations. She doesn't like ketchup or baked beans. When she is most anxious she needs the super bright night light. I know she's in a good place when she asks for the smaller night light. She picks on the cat when she's mad at me.
Jane and I have spent enough time together and know enough about each other (I bet she knows all the same details about my likes and dislikes) to be bonded by now. But I don't think we are. And I don't know that we will ever be.
The key factor is WHY we aren't yet bonded. Is it because she won't let go of her love of her first mother and allow herself to fully love me as a mother?
Or, is it that we are just plain out of sync?
All day long three little people trail me around the house. Just to walk from one room to another I'm either stepping around one of them in my path or, if I stop suddenly, one of their faces is bouncing off my butt. They are 4, 4, and 3 and they are still like little planets orbiting around me all the time. All day long James or Kate is climbing on my lap, asking to be held, leaning against my side, patting my arm, playing with my hair, sitting on the back of the chair behind me while draped over my back. I'm pretty tolerant and understand that this high-touch stage is necessary for healthy growth.
Jane wants to do the things James and Kate do but she cannot just confidently walk up and initiate physical affection. She starts looking anxious about 10 feet away. She looks more anxious and moves slower the closer she gets. By about 6 inches away she stops utterly, frozen. She whines, "Mama, I want you." I never know how to respond. Good lord, girl, I know what you want. It's taken you five minutes to approach me, yes, I am fully aware of what is happening. And in the five minutes you've done your frightened fawn approach the other two have already climbed up one side of me and down the other. Did I reject them? No. Have I ever rejected her? No. And yet she persists in her dramatic approach and whiny ask for affection.
But instead of saying all that I just keep my voice neutral and say one word, "Okay." She still needs permission so I give it. Whatever.
Then, she leans her head against me in the most tentative way while placing one or two hands on my boobs. My boobs. Every time. WHY??? I gently move her hands slightly away but she inevitably moves them back while hovering her face just barely in contact as if I'm made of quills. By now the whole episode has taken ages and I probably need to go do something else.
Because Jane always, always, always does this approach when I'm at my most busy. Right in the middle of dishes or dinner or laundry or watering the garden. Always. I swear she absolutely chooses the moments I'm most likely to reject her to present herself as most needy.
After about a minute of her boob handling and frightened fawn hovering I physically cannot take the weirdness any more (BTW, I've explicitly taught her all the right ways to touch me--where to put each hand and her face and when to do it and how to ask. Explicitly and repeatedly. She will not follow the guidelines I've taught her.) So, I explain that I'm busy--naming whatever task she can clearly see I'm engaged in--and promise her that we'll sit down together later.
But, here's the final problem. Within an hour or so I'll intentionally make space to sit down and invite her to sit on my lap. She'll come but then she'll wiggle incessantly, digging her sharp elbows and toes into me each time she has to leverage her body in a new position. I hate it. She is nonstop uncomfortable. We both give up less than five minutes later.
We. Are. Out. Of. Sync.
I've tried everything I can think of to accommodate her sensory needs. I've tried wrapping her tightly in every different blanket we own. I've tried sitting on different chairs and couches. I've offered all types of pillows. I've tried minimal contact by having just her head or feet touching me. Honestly, she just cannot (or will not) get comfortable with my body.
She has these weird regressive infant moments where she whines, "Mama, I want you." (always the same phrase) and grabs my boobs. Other than that she truly does not want contact with me.
I have four other children, each with unique moods and needs whom I interact with positively all day long. She has four other models to look at for ideas to seek physical and emotional connection. She sees that I freely offer connection and never reject anyone. Except her. Because she wants to pat my boob while I'm folding laundry and that simply isn't going to work.
Sorry, not sorry. A kid resting their head on my chest is normal. Her putting her head on my belly and then reaching up to grab my boobs is not normal. And I really don't want her doing that to her teacher someday. So, if nothing else, this girl needs to learn that women have the right to set boundaries for their bodies.
And so I just have to wait and see. Will we ever bond? Will she ever get in sync with how to get physical affection from me? Will she stop using me as a stand-in for her mother's body that she knew as an infant? Will she decide to love me for me and have a genuine relationship with who I am? Will she stop being angry that I'm not her "real" mother?
I just don't know.
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